The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@librauk ignore at this point, block if you feel like it. Beyond two days is poor manners IMO

@CleverOpalBalonz you can use photos of sunsets if you want to x

People put a lot of random photos on Hinge to be honest - photos of their pet, or a nice view, or a nice cocktail. Just a picture of something you like, is fine I think. I would say at least 50% of the Hinge profiles I have seen have things like this!

I definitely knew there was something on the first date. He unsettled me, in a good way. I’d been very avoidant or dismissive of men, and he triggered a rawer side. He made me feel, and still does (mostly), very calm and assured.

Our first date was very short, and so we did a long second date and from then on I really knew it would/could be something.

And, then, if helpful to share - I’d say that the niggles started to appear at around 8 weeks, but at that point I knew they were niggles to work through and communicate about, instead of getting the ick and walking away.

BUT! I’ve also had a LTR where we were friends for a long time first with zero romantic attraction from me, so I really think chemistry isn’t a set thing. I think I’d say to pay more attention to if you feel on edge/irritated/ overthinking, versus calmly hopeful, as a sign of the potential connection.

Ok, that massively reduces the pressure if I don’t need 6 perfect photos of me on there?

@UmberSheep that sounds like a lovely connection from the start for you.

Sorry I've been awol. Life got in the way. Tho I have been on 2 dates where I was sitting there thinking, god I'd love to be sat at home reading the mumsnet OLD thread!!
I thought i was great catching up with pages 32-35, just to realise (again), a new thread's been created. As I can't log in daily, I'm going to have to learn to read from newest to oldest. Really hope to be caught up and checked in by the weekend ❤️

Still talking to Mr Steampunk. Trying not to over invest, but in the meantime I am really enjoying the conversation and its bringing me a lot of pleasure. He has an interesting mind, a sexy voice (love Hinge for this) and seemingly similar principles and ethics to me.

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife you don't need to read it all! Just catch up from here x

@Nosdacariad
thank you .

If you like the Pilates selfie add it in! Tbh my photos are terrible because I don’t take many either, two of mine are last minute selfies in the car 😂

Hi everyone, you had kindly suggested you could help me draft a text to send to my date, I will call him Mr Green Eyes, who avoided answering my question about meeting up again but was still responding to my texts and with whom the earlier exchanges were very intense. I did draft a text but am not sure about the content nor sending it as I am afraid of the outcome. If you have any advice, it would be so helpful as I can't stop thinking about him. Here is the text: Hey X, you once told me I could ask you anything, so I'm taking you at your word 🙂 The connection we had mattered to me, and I really enjoyed getting to know you and discussing about all the things we love in life. I realise our meeting ended up being quite intense in some ways. I think that happened naturally, we'd already talked so much beforehand and then circumstances meant we ended up spending much more time together than either of us had expected! I wasn't assuming it had to become anything in particular, I was simply interested in continuing to get to know you and seeing naturally where things might go. I sensed that something shifted, though, and I'd rather ask than make assumptions. Would you still be interested in exploring the connection, in whatever form feels natural and given our lives at the moment, or do you feel differently?

Is he still messaging you or has he completely backed off/ghosting you?

Thank you @Empirebiscuits12. I last texted him almost two weeks ago to ask how he is doing. He apologised immediately for not responding to my previous text about meeting up and said that he was really busy at work etc. I was hoping he would text me at some point and I didn't initiate further. Of course, I assume that was his way to stop being in touch with me but I am still paying the whole thing in my head and can't find a way out.

Thought id do an update. Things are going really good with my partner. Been together over a year. Been through a few bumps but got through them.

Hope everyone is well. xx

I'm going to say if you need to send long texts then you have your answer already.

Sorry xxx

Great news 💙♥️💙

I really think the fact he avoided questions about meeting up again and has dropped off from messages is all you need to know. I wouldn’t send anything at all. I don’t think it’s likely to get the response you’re hoping for. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but wait for someone with equal enthusiasm who won’t leave you confused.

Sorry to say but he’s ghosted you lovely, I know it’s so difficult but let it go 💐

Hi everyone, I keep up to date here, it’s been a year since I joined the thread and started online dating.

I met someone earlier this year and we’ve been seeing each other steadily ever since. I’ve had a few wobbles around communication, I came here for advice and we got past them.

He’s lovely, kind, considerate, tall and handsome, a little geeky and quiet (but then so am I). We both have pre-teens from previous relationships.

Over the past few weeks it’s become clear that he craves some kind of blended family life. I would like that eventually too, but I don’t see it happening any time soon. My instinct is that we should keep our own kids settled in their own homes for the foreseeable future and just enjoy seeing each other when we can, as we have been.We talked about it and initially decided to leave introducing the kids for a while. Then we backtracked and arranged a very casual, brief, low-pressure meeting last week. It went really badly. His child clearly didn’t want to be there, and my partner handled the situation badly too, he left without telling me, leaving me and my child there, and although he did ring, it wasn’t until hours later.

Since then he’s become very worried about our future and seems to have transferred all of those worries onto me. I genuinely can’t work out whether he wants reassurance that we’ll figure this out together, or whether the weekend has made him realise that the blended-family future he wants isn’t going to happen anytime soon and he now wants to end the relationship, or maybe wants me to end it for him.

He isn’t the most communicative person at the best of times, and I’m really struggling with how to handle this. I don’t want to lose him, but equally I don’t want to spend weeks being put through the wringer wondering whether he wants to be with me. Part of me thinks I’d rather end it myself than wait to be left.

Most importantly, I don’t want to destabilise my kids. They’re happy and settled. I’d imagined that, over time, perhaps we could occasionally do things together with all the children and then go back to our respective homes. I don’t see why being in a serious relationship necessarily has to mean combining two households anytime soon.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Can a relationship work long-term when you both care about each other but living together/blending families isn’t realistic for quite a few years?

Talk to him about your feelings. Its better to get them out then hold them in. Even tho you said he isnt the most communicative person he needs to listen.

I introduced my kids quite early. They are quite young. As my son was upset and my partner just said to go and get him. Hes a dad himself. And then introduced the other two. They get on amazing and have a lovely bond. X

I think that, given he hasn't been in touch for two weeks, he probably isn't interested in pursuing things for whatever reason. This isn't a comment on you as a person - it could well just be where he is at at the moment in his life, or any number of reasons.

If sending a text will make you feel better, and give you some closure, you have every right to do so. But I wouldn't necessarily expect an answer...... And please don't agonise over the wording of it - just say what you want to say.

If you feel like sending the text will unsettle your peace, don't do it. It's a very personal thing, and you have the right to do whatever you want to do now.

But please don't fall into the trap of feeling you have don something "wrong" if he doesn't reply. That's on him, not you.

And it is probably a good idea to start chatting to others, and be open to new connections, rather than giving this guy rent-free space in your mind.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Xxx

The kind of relationship you describe definitely can work - but only if both parties want it to.

It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty confused at the moment, and not treating you very fairly.

Whereas you have been clear and consistent from the start.

Please don't take on the emotional labour of making him feel ok. His stress and confusion about what he wants is his own to deal with. And it doesn't sound like he is really listening to and thinking about what his child wants and needs right now, which is a little bit of a red flag I think ....

So sorry this has happened. X

Thanks @Wynter25 and @Ilovelurchers I’m getting real throwing the baby out with the bath water vibes. He said he wants to find a way we can stay together but not force the kids together, which makes sense to me but I don’t think it’s what his heart desires even though he knows realistically living together probably isn’t a runner given our circumstances and the ages of our children.

We’ve talked a bit over the phone and by text but it’s harder still cause I won’t see him to talk to for a few days, in the meantime I’ve tried just to make light of things and carry on as we were but I think somethings shifted.

Unfortunately I think you have your answer, my love. It seems like he has withdrawn and my advice for you would be to match his energy and draw a line under it. It absolutely sucks, I get it, however you are worth a million times more than this

Quick update from me and then I’ll read back over other replies and get back later.

Hot Physio has finally responded to my message telling him thanks but no thanks, because he didn’t seem keen.

He has apologised for “being inconsistent but he’s been questioning how much sense it makes when it’s not going to be long term. Even though he finds me attractive”.

What in the heck do I say to this? I would be up for exploring FWB with him but does it sound as though he’s completely shut the door?

Now I’ve dangled my own Mr Cricket (let’s call him Mr Lax) I might as well update the thread as we’ve had another blip and I’m thinking of pulling the plug. Wonder if there’s any similarities with your past cricketers, @Ilovelurchers abd @PinkNeonSign 😂

Mr lax and I have been seeing each other for over a year. He has one child (8) from a very messy divorce. I have not met said child - or anyone in his life - and as a childfree 30-something with no desire to cohabit with a man (been there done it, not again) this has largely suited me well. However, I dumped him in the summer for reneging on an arrangement for me to meet him and his child for lunch. Cue; a bunch of flowers, an impromptu trip to South America (me) and a handful of dates with undesirables who made him look more appealing. We moved on.

his pluses: reliable (very), an excellent dad from what I can tell. Fab work ethic, sex has been wonderful and we share very similar outlooks on our respective sporting hobbies and life in general. He’s very easy going and difficult to rattle, easy to talk to and fit. He’s never raised his voice or been snipey, which shouldn’t be a plus but here we are..

minuses: he’s the least romantic person I’ve ever dated. No ‘love yous’ no little gifts etc. He’s still very affected by his ex’s behaviour - ditto her family’s. She is a witch but it’s four years since they split and they continue to argue over property etc. I’m now getting fed up and it came to a bit of a head last night.

on the weekend we headed out of town for a date at my suggestion. He lost his keys and spent most of the time working out how he could get them back without having to call his ex - the only person with a spare (slaps forehead). Glossed over the fact I had dressed to the nines but admitted, yesterday after a very sharp text from me, that I looked ‘a million bucks’. I told him I was bored about hearing about the ex’s family drama, wanted to be treated like a date and deserved better. He didn’t disagree and said was over it all and it ought to have been kept private.

my higher self says dump him. I’ve done it before. But he’s got some great qualities and boy do we know how tough it is on those dating streets! I’m also recovering from an op so my social and sport life is limited at the moment so doesn’t feel like a great time to pull a plug on anything. But holy Christ I just want a bit of romance and for someone to remember their effing toothbrush. 😂😂

Needless to say he got the cold shoulder on Saturday evening - a first for us. Now it’s stalemate.

Anyway, sorry for rabbiting. I wonder if that chimes with my other cricket fanciers! I have read your tales with interest and will respond to a few. Standards and heels high, as ever x