The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

You can still date and keep your life with the kids separate, that’s what I do ☺️ then if you do meet a keeper just decide if / when the time is right but I wouldn’t be introducing anyone to mine for a good while (if I actually meet anyone!) 😂

This update is beautiful! Happy anniversary to you both! You definitely give us all hope that we can all get to your stage 🤍 Thank you so much for this.

I was single for a year without going near dating. Then I used OLD very reluctantly for a year or so. I was the emotionally avoidant one then! Then properly tried to date through OLD maybe for a year and half plus until I met my now BF.

I think I dated two or three men slightly more longer term, ie beyond second dates!, in that entire time and I had three FWBs (not concurrently!), one of which messed with my head.

😂😂
I dont think il ever forget his many names 🤭
Isn't it odd how some people, no matter how hard we try to forget, are burned on the insides of our brain?!

I hope Mr Tennis is treating you well?

How are you lovely? I hope you are all good xxx 🤗

Ah 😊 Things are great here. He is still very much the same person he was when we first met, no changes in personality, effort, no red flags surfacing, still consistent, affectionate and caring.

We went away together for a week at the end of august....it was just bliss 😍

So there is hope: there are genuine, honest, loyal guys out there who will put effort in. Yes we have our moments, little niggles which is bound to happen when you are basically living together most of the time but even if we've had a little disagreement he still reassures me and we both apologise pretty quickly. No shouting or stropping or sulking.

I acknowledge at times I can be a perfectionist when it comes to housework and tidiness.....he tries his best bless him and I have worked on myself to acknowledge that things cant always be done to my stamdard if I want help 😂 hes fabulous with the kids, gets stuck in with supporting them at clubs, competitions and shows, helping with homework etc and hes still a fabulous cook 😋

@OneShyQuail @UmberSheep fabulous updates!

Crashing is doing nothing different. Posting mispers on fb and holding events in his local that no one attends but him.

@AlwaysCarrieSATC no shame on you AT ALL for a man's behaviour. NEXT!

ETA Tennis is treating me well except for his lapse into racism which I told him off for.

This is lovely 🥰

This is possible. Not in the sense that I want a relationship with him - I really don't - our relationship was bad for both of us - he showed controlling tendecies, I became quite jealous, we rowed quite a lot. It was not a good fit.

However, the chemistry and the sex between us does remain excellent, and I was aware while I was having sex with Cricket (I know this sounds bad) that I was making a few comparisons - and that was very unfair, because, for a first sexual encounter, it was really good! He did all the right things - showed interest in my pleasure, made a big effort to "last" a long time etc etc. But obviously, it wasn't as great as the sex with FWB, because we are so used to each other and exactly what each other likes, etc......

It's not the sex that is putting me off Cricket, tho. I am aware that was as good as it could possibly be for a first encounter, and will almost certainly improve if we carry on......

I don't know what it is, really. Maybe I have become a bit avoidant? This is what my life coach suggested last time we had a session. (A big change for me - I used to have much more or an anxious attachment style for most of my adult life....)

Is it that the flirting seems a bit forced/clunky? It's a tricky thing, flirting. Here is me wishing Cricket would flirt more!

But at the same time, I have been put off by some irons who have overdone the physical compliments....b

Part of me wonders if how we react has less to do with the actual words they use, and more to do with how we feel about the guy. So if we are really into someone they could do the lamest flirting in the world and we would love it. Conversely, when the sparks aren't flying, even the best flirting feels a bit icky.....

You definitely need to clear some emotional space for yourself then, both to enjoy the holiday. (Any hopes of a holiday romance? Are you travelling alone?) And also to get you through the surgery, which is never pleasant. The last thing you need is to be worrying about irons at this point (unless they are a pleasant distraction). Can you tell Bay you will be busy and pop him on the back burner for a while? Or would that cause you more anxiety?

And does Mr Charismatic know about your surgery? If he does, I hope he will make the effort to come round and cook for you or similar - especially as he lives close. Don't be shy of asking! My view on my FWB is, he gets a lot of boyfriend privileges (sex, cooking, I even let him to his laundry at mine as his living arrangements are pretty basic). So he owes me a degree of boyfriend obligation! I would definitely expect him to come over at least once or twice if I was laid up for a couple of weeks.

(Obviously if and when I have an actual boyfriend, they will be getting the privileges and the obligations!)

Calm down Hinge! That's actually pissed me off. Women should take as long as they need to feel safe and comfortable meeting - Hinge can fuck right off!

Congratulations - that really is wonderful news. I am so pleased you have found a guy who deserves you - and it's brilliant of you to cheer us all up by posting on here, it really does help to hear success stories!

Can I ask how soon you knew that you really liked him. Was it apparent on the first date? Even before then?

(I think I've been kind of waiting for fireworks. Cricket is lovely, but it isn't fireworks. But I wonder if fireworks are really essential? )

This sounds wonderful too. Again, congratulations, and thank you so much for coming back to share this. Xxx

I wouldn't be suggesting a date at 80 messages, never mind 8!

Maybe you had some very good things going on with FWB, and of course want the same from someone else. The thing is noone will ever feel the same way as another person, their touch, their smell, their mannerisms, the way they hold you.

Some things grow into more, but there is a time limit on this. Its ok to not rush into things, but you do need to trust your gut and instincts. Some of the things you said he did (rocking up with nothing when you hosted, the lack of a compliment) would really irk me and if you feel there is something missing you will hone in on that ans not always look at whats there.

You sounds like such a catch, perhaps he isnt for you? But theres no harm in seeing if he can step up for a bit longer

@BoxOfCats oh gosh if u have the ick then you have the ick.

The ick can be totally irrational, appear out of nowhere and totally change your opinion on someone!

I would suggest that if this was the guy for you that his flirting probably wouldnt give you the ick.....i used to get it on dates etc and be like errrrr no im out....but DP does/says the most cheesiest corniest things early days and still now and I don't get the ick I find it hilarious 😂

Thank you 😊😘

Clearing space is a good idea. Mr Bay messaged last night asking I I could video call again before my holiday. I suppose I could make time, but I actually just not want to! I’d rather go to my Pilates class… I was going to suggest that as I’m away - and then so is he - that he just lets me know when he’s next in my city and we will try to arrange an in person meet.

Mr C has helped me out with DIY jobs in the past, and made me many meals. However I feel slightly uncomfortable about him helping me out during recovery. I’d del that way about anyone I guess, but I’m having nasal surgery so my face will be swollen and bandaged and that’s definitely a factor too! I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks and he has his hand in a cast and I’m wondering if he feels similarly…

Yes I hi k it’s a bit of being unsure if the chemistry is there and also just not being in the right headspace!

Absolutely loved this update. So happy for you!!

Great memory, he did and I’ve been deliberately delaying having the chat..!

Welcome, lovely, to the nicest thread on Mumsnet, if not the internet as a whole! The posters and the solidarity on here are fabulous!

I'll tell you a quick potted history of my dating story, for what it's worth. (But there is no right or wrong - everyone feels ready for different things at different times).

I have been single for about 2 years after the end of a 5 year cohabiting relationship (not my dd's dad - we broke up about 10 years ago). After 6 months I went onto the apps mainly to find sex - I wanted an FWB or something very casual. I had 3 or 4 dates - slept with a couple of them - nothing got beyond the second date mark, as I just wasn't ready, even for a very low level of commitment.

Then I started an FWB set up with a friend (a man who I had been on a date with years and years ago and stayed in loose touch with). And also became FWBs with my ex, which worked a lot better than our relationship had! So I was getting those needs met.....

But about 6 months ago (so a year and a half of being single) I decided I was ready to start looking for an actual relationship. So joined Bumble, Hinge, and later Facebook Dating.

I have had 14 first dates in that time. Only the most recent one has led to anything - Mr Cricket - we have now had 4 dates and have just slept together for the first time. The others were a mix. Mostly I just didn't fancy them/found them weird? A couple didn't fancy me and never pursued things, tho I would have liked to see them again...... One was a racist, he was the worst I think.
One kept sending me poetry! Tho 13 dates that lead to nothing sounds like a lot, on the whole I have kind of enjoyed it, and it's actually done my confidence a lot of good, in a weird way. And the people on this thread have done a fantastic job in keeping me sane, and enabling me to laugh at myself at times.....

Remember, you are perfectly within your rights to join the apps and just start chatting, even if you aren't ready to date yet. Plenty of men are on there just to chat, so as long as you are clear from the start about what you are and are not looking for, it's all good!

I do understand the face thing..... Not that you ought to feel like that of course, but it's human nature.

Does he know about your surgery? It will be interesting to see whether he offers to come round, if he does......

Hi all, I mostly lurk these days
but follow this thread for some time.
i have still been dipping in and out of OLD

At the weekend , I sent a message to profile
we got chatting , now I do not have a profile pic or my name on this particular app, as I work in a shop, and I see customers all the time on it, so I keep a low profile.

he never mentioned, the fact or pushed to see me.
we continued to chat, was really friendly etc

i then felt comfortable to say , that we could move off , so I could send a pic of myself
which we did , this was Saturday evening, he was going out with friends so I wished him a good evening .
next morning, I sent him a message , along the lines, that I was going to work, which he knew, and he was spending the day with his family. And would catch up later.
i then sent him my pic.

both were read….but I have had no response since…
and he has not deleted, the messages from the dating app.?..

what to do ?.

I think I’m more worried about the kids finding out I’m dating and them not being ready. I wouldn’t introduce them to anyone for a long time but they have a tendency to go on my phone often if they can’t be bothered charging theirs. I’ve been trying to get stricter about this but have failed 😂

I’ve downloaded hinge but am 1-2 photos short. I can’t believe how few photos I have of myself, no one ever took them. Is a pilates selfie too cliche? When I’ve only been twice in my life? I might be able to sneak one of those later on.