Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

Could your mum come to you?

Can your Mum come to you and all of you be together for Xmas day?

Would there be no way your mum could come to you and stay (of course with his family too)? This means she'll be supported the whole time, and if she's frail, you could look at how to organise things to support her, eg swapping rooms/borrowing appropraite chairs or whatever is needed.
Would you be able to drive her/pay for an Uber if necessary for her?

Why can’t your mum join you? I wouldn’t be leaving a newly bereaved parent alone at Christmas but see no reason why plans need to change that much.

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

You should support your mum. Drive yourself there and speak to your dsd at the earliest opportunity so she understands. Lots of love x She will have a good time with her dad. And her mum.

I wouldn't think twice a about leaving your DH and DSD to it and spending the entire day with your DM.

Your mum comes to you. If not I think Christmas apart is fine for this year. Your DH and DSD can have a nice day just the two of them and he can prioritise putting on a show for her.

Oh i would 100% spend it with my mum. Its not a stepchild thing as I would also leave my own children in this circumstance if my mum wanted just me.

Does she want to to come alone? Will she feel guilty about splitting you up on xmas day?

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable and that splitting up is what works for this year.

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. I'm in a similar ish situation to you. My own dear Dad died in May eight days after my second baby was born. We usually alternate Christmas between my family and DPs. This year we are due to go to his family which meant it would have been just my Mam, sister and niece together on Christmas Day. After having a chat with both sides it was decided that everyone would come to ours. Everyone was happy with the arrangement and it suits us that we don't have to drag two small kids around.
However, DP and I did discuss doing Christmas separately this year if anyone was uncomfortable doing it together. I think with the year that's in it, exceptions need to be made.

I'm sure he's supported you during your grief and will continue to do so. But his daughter will be his priority especially at Christmas. As others have said can your mum come to you for the day?

Go to your mum.

We are older, our mums are 90 and live 350 miles away from each other. Neither travels aany more.

For the last few years DH has gone to his and I have gone to mine. We'd never leave them on their own.

It's the way it is.

If your mum and dad had been together for 60 years, she must be in her 80s. I would definitely go to her for the afternoon and evening OP. It's her first Christmas without him and she can't be on her own. It will also be good for you, not only to share that grief, but maybe to also remember happier Christmases of your childhood. Take some smoked salmon and a Christmas pudding and just have some time together.

Your proposed plan does accommodate your step daughter as she'll still have the excitement of Christmas morning. To be honest, most children are left to their own devices (sometimes literally) at noon ish anyway whilst the adults prepare Christmas dinner.

I'm surprised at your husband's reaction

Are there any relatives on his side of the family that he and his daughter can descend on for the afternoon?

I would invite your mum and if she refuses go to her either on your own after dinner with DSD or with or without your DH after 4pm. I don’t think your DH should send DSD home early.

Have Christmas apart, I wouldn’t think twice about this in the same circumstances- I’d spend it with my mum at her house (I’m also a stepmom although he’s long since grown up now).

I know she is grieving and so doesn't want to, but I actually think it is a shame she won't come to yours, even just for part of the day. Grief can make people very selfish, which is not at all unreasonable, but can make things very tricky.
I think perhaps have Christmas lunch with dh and then go to hers for the rest of the afternoon and evening if she really won't come. I wouldn't expect dh to not be with his child for as long as he possibly can on Christmas day, especially when he only gets every other. Maybe dh could join you at your mums once she has been taken home?

Don't call her bio mum. There's only one mum.in the equation, it doesn't need the qualifier.

If your husband is so bothered about having dinner with his daughter, let him cook it and eat with her. You. An be with your mother. Why would his needs come first?

This is what I would do too.
If your mum is too sad and low to come to you it won’t make a difference to get whether you go there at 12 or 4.

Have Christmas lunch with your husband, then pack up a share for your mum and take it to her at 1/2ish. Your husband can stay home. Your desires aren’t that different.

I agree with pp that I would try hard to persuade my mum to come to yours for the day. She may say no to begin with, but I would persevere for a bit as that seems by far the best solution.

If you really can't convince her, then it's ok for you and DH to spend it separately. It does seem like a shame though.

I would totally go to your mum.

also. She’s 10. It’s highly unlikely she still believes in Santa.

In your shoes I'd go to my mother.

Given what you've said about both your mother's state of mind and wanting to be alone/not go out AND your also saying that you want to share the grief about your dad with her on Christmas rather than putting on a happy face for others, it sounds like either your mother going to yours and joining in the regular Christmas there OR your husband and SD coming with you and having Christmas dinner at your mother's house instead of yours could be upsetting/not ideal. Will your mother genuinely miss your husband if she doesn't see him on Christmas day? If not, I'd split up and you go alone based on your judgement of what's the best time for you to arrive.