Page 14 | Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

NorthSouthUK · 2026-10-03T22:40:06+00:00

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together. Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years. Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum. I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others. DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her. The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

LolalaBouche · 04/10/2026 20:04

I would encourage Mum to come to you. Christmas is 3 months away and she will likely be in a different place in her grief by that point. Plus seeing kids joyful at Christmas is half the pleasure!

VoiceofInsanity · 04/10/2026 20:18

If your husband's most important bit is the Xmas lunch then why don't you do that with your husband and step daughter on Xmas Eve so that then you can go see your mum as suggested without missing out on that.

JenniferBooth · 04/10/2026 20:20

VoiceofInsanity · 04/10/2026 20:18

If your husband's most important bit is the Xmas lunch then why don't you do that with your husband and step daughter on Xmas Eve so that then you can go see your mum as suggested without missing out on that.

The HUSBANDS most important bit?

Incoghooper · 04/10/2026 20:30

Calliopespa · 04/10/2026 18:55

But there's nothing stopping OP from caring for her mum that day.

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I didn’t say there was. I’ve said I think OP should go to her mums and DSD should stay with her dad. I’m commenting on the posts that suggest OP should be making the day about the DSD and doing dinner and making it ‘special’ and going to her mums at 4.

OP should care for her mum, DH should care for his daughter.

Lyndy74 · 04/10/2026 21:09

We lost my dad this year. My mum is coming to us like she always does. However my husband has kids/grandchildren so i know how that goes, but we see all those after xmas nowadays. But when they were younger it was up for debate. Knowing how my mum is, she would be the priority this year. Your husband needs to get a grip! Wait until he loses a parent!!! Ffs.....

Calliopespa · 04/10/2026 21:10

Incoghooper · 04/10/2026 20:30

I didn’t say there was. I’ve said I think OP should go to her mums and DSD should stay with her dad. I’m commenting on the posts that suggest OP should be making the day about the DSD and doing dinner and making it ‘special’ and going to her mums at 4.

OP should care for her mum, DH should care for his daughter.

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I agree.

Brokentoes85 · 04/10/2026 21:15

Why are you calling her bio mum?

He sounds inflexible. What's important to him is irrelevant when you've just lost your dad and your mum is deeply grieving.

He can do meal on Xmas eve considering she's there for 4 days beforehand. Good enough for the royals.

Brokentoes85 · 04/10/2026 21:22

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2026 07:04

I don't think your dh is being rigid, I think he's prioritizing his dd and that's totally appropriate. No, your dsd shouldn't be sent home because your dm doesn't want to come to you, that wouldn't be fair at all.

Honestly, considering your dm refused the invite, I'd assume she prefers some time alone and go after 4, but you could always head over at 12 and leave your dh and dsd to celebrate at home.

He's prioritising himself and his wants

Apupandablanket · 04/10/2026 22:00

Your DH is expecting you to love his DD like your own child but also DH fought hard for this access to his child so it's understandable that he's not budging a bit.

There's only one solution as far as I can see: your DH retains his access to his DD as arranged, but you go to your DM at some point on the day, probably around midday to have an early lunch. Potentially be back at 3.45pm to wave the child off (if you want to).

To do this arrangement, you need to provide DH with early notice (ie don't land it on him on Christmas Eve) and confirm that it is not a request for permission but a done deal.

JenniferBooth · 04/10/2026 22:34

Apupandablanket · 04/10/2026 22:00

Your DH is expecting you to love his DD like your own child but also DH fought hard for this access to his child so it's understandable that he's not budging a bit.

There's only one solution as far as I can see: your DH retains his access to his DD as arranged, but you go to your DM at some point on the day, probably around midday to have an early lunch. Potentially be back at 3.45pm to wave the child off (if you want to).

To do this arrangement, you need to provide DH with early notice (ie don't land it on him on Christmas Eve) and confirm that it is not a request for permission but a done deal.

Access he wouldnt have without the financial help of @NorthSouthUK

Thesafetygeneral · 04/10/2026 22:41

It sounds like you’re using your mums loss as a bit of an excuse not to see SD as you’re annoyed at being jerked around in the past. Why don’t you go and stay at your mums on Xmas Eve and let your husband spend the day (until 4) with his daughter and then when she goes to her mums you go home (after spending all day either your mum) and spend a relaxing evening with your hubbie?

PlaneMum19 · 04/10/2026 22:43

Go alone to your mums at 12, then he can join after his dropped his daughter off at 4. Simples.. although if shoe was on other foot and it was his mum and he asked you to give your Xmas day up with your child how would you react? Tbh I’m on his side, wouldn’t be giving up my Christmas Day with my child (which he only gets every other year) for nobody 🤷‍♀️

JenniferBooth · 04/10/2026 22:50

Thesafetygeneral · 04/10/2026 22:41

It sounds like you’re using your mums loss as a bit of an excuse not to see SD as you’re annoyed at being jerked around in the past. Why don’t you go and stay at your mums on Xmas Eve and let your husband spend the day (until 4) with his daughter and then when she goes to her mums you go home (after spending all day either your mum) and spend a relaxing evening with your hubbie?

Using HER MUMS loss HER MUMS loss
The OP has just lost her dad. Its the OPs loss too. And as for using it as an excuse............well words fucking fail me.

People want stepmums to disappear and not have a say Until it comes to the domestic work. Im not a mum but like OP i have lost a parent. Yes losing my dad was my mums loss but it was mine too Same for the OP.

TheCabbageMerchant · 04/10/2026 23:06

JenniferBooth · 04/10/2026 22:50

Using HER MUMS loss HER MUMS loss
The OP has just lost her dad. Its the OPs loss too. And as for using it as an excuse............well words fucking fail me.

People want stepmums to disappear and not have a say Until it comes to the domestic work. Im not a mum but like OP i have lost a parent. Yes losing my dad was my mums loss but it was mine too Same for the OP.

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Her mum could join them and everyone could be happy.

My mum died this year. Life goes on. It has to.

honeylulu · 04/10/2026 23:27

VoiceofInsanity · 04/10/2026 20:18

If your husband's most important bit is the Xmas lunch then why don't you do that with your husband and step daughter on Xmas Eve so that then you can go see your mum as suggested without missing out on that.

The husband is a grown adult. He can cook lunch for him and his DD. He doesn't need mummying (at least, I hope not). It's fine he wants to spend the day with DD. OP isn't their personal domestic drudge and it's fine if she wants to spend the day at her mum's.

Harry12345 · 04/10/2026 23:41

TheCabbageMerchant · 04/10/2026 23:06

Her mum could join them and everyone could be happy.

My mum died this year. Life goes on. It has to.

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Does everyone keep missing the part where the mum doesn’t want to join them? She might not be close to the child

Harry12345 · 04/10/2026 23:43

TheCabbageMerchant · 04/10/2026 23:06

Her mum could join them and everyone could be happy.

My mum died this year. Life goes on. It has to.

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Have you still got a partner and kids at home to make life going on a bit easier?

Luddite26 · 05/10/2026 06:45

Sorry for your loss @NorthSouthUK. I can understand you wanting to be there for your mum.

if you have a court order in place you should stick to it.
if your mum isn't feeling like coming you should leave her to that.
personally I feel you are better keeping arrangements with DH and dsd. Try not to make them feel you want to rush the day. There isn't many left where you get the playing with toys etc.
See what your mum feels like doing about tea.
it may be that she wants to be on her own.
have you any other family.

At the end of the day you have invited DM and she's declined. you can keep the invitation open nothing has to be decided till the last minute really. it's no big deal if you buy food in for her and she doesn't come.

I am with DH don't rush the day for dsd it would be like open presents and off.
4pm gives more chance of enjoying the day. nobody wants to feel like they aren't welcome - not saying you have ever made dsd feel unwelcome.
It's going to be a hard day for you too so don't put pressure on yourself trying to make everyone happy. you will need some time for yourself you don't need to be at loggerheads with DH.💐

TheCabbageMerchant · 05/10/2026 07:28

Harry12345 · 04/10/2026 23:43

Have you still got a partner and kids at home to make life going on a bit easier?

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Yes but my dad doesn’t.

Dogmum6 · 05/10/2026 08:06

Why can't he put on a Christmas lunch before she leaves ? It shouldn't be on you if you are grieving.

italianlondongirl · 05/10/2026 08:47

I think OP’s post is confusing as she makes reference to her DH coming along to her mother’s

I think it would be better to have the morning with DH and SDD. and then go to her mother’s on her own in the afternoon

He can still have the day with his DD. This would have been the case anyway had he not remarried … they’d have spent it just the two of them or gone to other relations

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/10/2026 10:51

id just go - i dont know why people are so weird about chrsitmas anyway -we often do seperate things

C8H10N4O2 · 05/10/2026 11:04

Luddite26 · 05/10/2026 06:45

Sorry for your loss @NorthSouthUK. I can understand you wanting to be there for your mum.

if you have a court order in place you should stick to it.
if your mum isn't feeling like coming you should leave her to that.
personally I feel you are better keeping arrangements with DH and dsd. Try not to make them feel you want to rush the day. There isn't many left where you get the playing with toys etc.
See what your mum feels like doing about tea.
it may be that she wants to be on her own.
have you any other family.

At the end of the day you have invited DM and she's declined. you can keep the invitation open nothing has to be decided till the last minute really. it's no big deal if you buy food in for her and she doesn't come.

I am with DH don't rush the day for dsd it would be like open presents and off.
4pm gives more chance of enjoying the day. nobody wants to feel like they aren't welcome - not saying you have ever made dsd feel unwelcome.
It's going to be a hard day for you too so don't put pressure on yourself trying to make everyone happy. you will need some time for yourself you don't need to be at loggerheads with DH.💐

The child is not the OP's DD as the child's actual mother (and half of MN) are quick to point out. The arrangement is for the child to spend time with her father.

The DM is her actual mother and doesn't feel up to the full family Christmas routine this year.

No earthly reason why DH can't cook and do Christmas with his DD whilst the OP goes over to her DM, say, after present opening in the morning and has lunch with her DM. At 10 years old the child is old enough to understand that the OP needs to put her mother first this year.

As for all the PPs who just carry on as normal after a close bereavement - well bully for you, the vast majority of people do not carry on regardless and each person reacts a bit differently.

TinyTear · 05/10/2026 11:42

Cant get past the fact you put a 7 year old in pull ups. What the hell? there has to be more to this story

Vinculum · 05/10/2026 12:25

Thesafetygeneral · 04/10/2026 22:41

It sounds like you’re using your mums loss as a bit of an excuse not to see SD as you’re annoyed at being jerked around in the past. Why don’t you go and stay at your mums on Xmas Eve and let your husband spend the day (until 4) with his daughter and then when she goes to her mums you go home (after spending all day either your mum) and spend a relaxing evening with your hubbie?

Her mum's loss? OP has lost her father as well, remember? Jeez.

@NorthSouthUK I think you should be with your mum. She's in deep grief. SD will have many more Christmas days.