Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

It's only the beginning of October. She might feel differently in a few weeks' time.

What do you mean by spending the whole day apart? Can you just leave at midday ish rather than your stepdaughter?

Its not sad to just be with one parent for Christmas lunch...she might love having a special dad and daughter Christmas dinner.

If you're mother was married to your father for close to 60 years his sudden death will have been hard on her. She could be in her late 70's or older. You also mentioned that she is frail also.

I would let your mother stay in her own home rather than coming to yours.
My feeling is that you mother would prefer one to one time or time with you and any siblings you have.
Explain to your husband that you want an early dinner in your home and then go to your mother's house on your own. Tell him you want to stay in her house that night as well. Bring a dinner to your mother. Bring some nice drinks and picky bits, sweets or crisps that you know she likes also.
Your there for your step daughter Christmas morning but she has time with her father alone.
You mother then has time with you to talk about and look at photos ect of her, your father and family. This will make the 1st Christmas alone easier on her.

You may decided in time to encourage your mother to move closer to your home or to move into a nursing home near you.

Go to your mother and let DH spend the day with his daughter. At the end of the day, children are the ones the Christmas magic is mostly for and asking him to change his plans with his child is a bit much.

It’s a one off, by next year your mother might be (hopefully) feeling differently and can join you guys for Christmas.

Spend the day with your mum, OP, she needs you there whereas your husband just wants you there.

It’s very normal to do at least one Christmas differently after a big loss. We’ve always had Christmas at home, but the year my brother-in-law died we all went to my sister-in-law’s instead as she wanted people around to change the focus of the day.

Do Christmas morning at home as usual, then head to your mum’s and cook a lovely Christmas dinner to have together. Your husband can follow on to join you after handing over his child.

Your husband is very very selfish.

OP says her mum and dad had been married for 60 years so probably older than that.

And anyway she may want to be in her own home, the one she shared with her husband for so long. So it's not all about travelling, it's about where she wants, and maybe emotionally needs to be.

You know what your DH wants. What does your mother want ?
You seem to think that she will be expecting to go over her grief and loss. She has that every day. And is trying to come to terms with her new life. This will include a new way of Christmas.
I would ask her if she would like to come to yours. And not assume that she would not want to.
I would hesitate to dwell on death and loss too. Of course remember Dad, and miss him. But do not devote the day to mourning. I am not sure that helps anyone.
If she does not want to come, then you go to her. But don’t make it overwhelming.

go to your mum. You'll have spent the run-up, and Christmas morning, with the other two. it's only another day for you, for goodness sake - for your mum, it's her first Christmas alone.

By wanting to spend Christmas with his daughter?

Oh please!

Do what suits you and your mum! I’m so sorry about your dad’s death 💐

I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

He's prioritising his daughter over his wife who wants to be with her grieving mother alone at Christmas. Bloody right he's selfish. His wife's a daughter as well, isn't she? and her mother might well want to see her on Christmas Day. Funny how that doesn't appear to have occurred to him.

He last had Christmas lunch with his child in 2024 when his daughter was 8.
The Op thinks he should next do it in 2028.

Before anyone suggests Christmas lunch isn’t important - if it’s not important why is there a need to leave early? To have lunch with the OP’s mum.

If your mum can’t come to you, then go to your mum and let your DH have Christmas dinner with his daughter. I cannot imagine being so cruel as to expect her to have Christmas Day alone, especially after she has been recently widowed. In fact, since my FiL died, we have hosted my MiL every year, including alongside my parents, even though it has been 8 years. She has other children, but is most comfortable with my DH and me, so that is what we do.

I understand and agree with your DH that if this is his daughter’s year to have Christmas with him, then cutting it short is wrong and unfair. But if your husband doesn’t have the heart or sympathy to understand why you need to be with your mother, this year of all years, then I would be concerned about his values and sense of duty and morality.

They were always going to see her Mum on Christmas Day. He’s not keeping her from her mum.

You have tried to be accommodating and invite your mum and she said no. Just leave the door open incase she changes her mind. Christmas is mainly for children to be fair and if she has actively made the choice to be alone I would respect that. Maybe go round in the evening with a present and some food. You can only do so much.

Go to your mum after presents are opened. No big deal, no arguments just tell your DH that it’s the first year without dad your not leaving her alone. If he wants to join you he can head over after dropping dd off.

I don’t even like my mum and she never prioritised Christmas for us as children, she chose to work so she could get the nights off she wanted to go out on. I think in 30 years we may have spent 2/3 christmases together as a family, as a teen I’d go round various families houses. Anyway the year Dad died my siblings and I made the effort to spend Christmas with her. It’s just something that needed to be done.

No he really isn’t. He should absolutely prioritise seeing his dd on his turn on Christmas Day. He last had Christmas dinner with his dd in 24, and you want him to wait until 28?.
The op can prioritise her mum, but the dh should prioritise his dd, maybe he can catch up with op after dd has gone home.

Do the morning together. Then you go to your mums. Wont she be happier if its just you anyway.
And your dh should be with his child.

He's not stopping op from seeing her mum on Christmas day.

Unless he is barricading the doors abd preventing op from leaving, she's free to go and see her mum whenever she wants and he and his daughter can crack on with Christmas

I think OP is step mum surely? That’s a kind of mum. There are two mums.

Of course you should support your mother.

You sound like another poor woman sucked in by a very very selfish man that thinks HIS child comes first for YOU ahead of your mother.

Your poor mother.
He hasn't the basic decency to be in any way flexible for you and your mother.

Men like this target soft women that they can control.

You should wake up big time to his character.

It doesn't sound as if you have children with him, so for goodness sake have the sense to keep any inheritance you receive in a separate bank account with only your name on it.

I suspect you have been never been a priority here.
Wake up.

He can spend the day with HIS child and you should support your mother if that is where you feel you should be.

Your plan is a no brainer OP. I hope all goes well. Much strength to you and your mum OP. 💐

I agree. I think it’s understandable he doesn’t want to take DD back to her mums early, but if he’s relying on OP to cook and generally make Christmas ‘special’ then he’s out of order. It’s his job to do all of that, it’s his job to make Christmas special for DD, not OP.

Absolutely, have her til 4 as planned. Don’t make out OP has ruined anything if she chooses her mum.