Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

Who would be at your house other than you, your DH, and your SD? Since you were expecting your DH to come to your mum's house with you, isn't the only difference in terms of "being around people", one person (your SD)? If there are other people there, what would they do if you left at noon?

So what does your DH think you should do?
I think you should just go be with your mother she needs you right now

Are you your mums only relative?

Your husband is 100% right to prioritise his daughter and in his position I’d be quite hurt that you’d ask his child to leave early.

If you can’t support him and your mum doesn’t have anyone else and refuses to come to you, then you don’t have much option but to have Christmas dinner separately.

I’m going against the grain and saying spend the day as planned and then go to your Mum at 4 and spend the evening. If she doesn’t want to come to yours then she doesn’t really want to do Xmas. Don’t mess your step daughter up -she’s 10 and Xmas is a big deal at that age.

Why not have an early Xmas lunch with DH and DD, then head to your mums and take leftovers for her and spend the rest of the day together (while DH and DD watch a movie or play games for a couple of hours before 4pm).

If your mum’s grieving, she’s not going to care if you’re there with her to have a proper Xmas lunch and pull a cracker is she? You could stay over and go for a walk on Boxing Day together as well.

YABU to try to make your DH change his young DD's Christmas. YANBU to worry about your mum.

I understand that you're grieving too, but calling it 'putting in a show' isn't fair, he loves his DD and is correctly prioritising her needs.

But also, it's only October - you and your mum might feel slightly differently nearer the time.

If your mum doesn't want to come to you, then you can go to her any time you would like to.

Sorry for your loss

How far away is your mum?

I agree with this poster. Your mum may feel differently in nearly three months’ time and be up for coming to yours. However, if she is not, it would be harsh to make DH miss part of the day with his DD when he (I assume) won’t get another Christmas Day with her for two years. She might not still believe in FC, but she’s still at an age where it’s all really exciting and special. By 12 that may change.

I would therefore make tentative plans to spend the day separately but closer to the time see if your mum won’t come to yours after all.

Either be apart or have Xmas lunch with your family and then go for Xmas dinner after 4 at your mother (if she won’t come to
you)

I’d go and spend the whole day with your mum. Let your dh spend the day with his dd, I can see why he doesn’t want to cut the day short.

I would do Xmas day separately. Your mum needs you but I don’t think your SD should miss out.

It sounds like your mum is really struggling with you using the word "withdrawn".

I would have breakfast at home - possibly even lunch - but go to your mums at some point during the day so that you can at least spend the evening together. Maybe stay overnight with her and spend some time together on Boxing day too.

I’m glad to see this post, sorry OP I’m with DH and can’t believe you wanted to hand back your step daughter early? I can’t believe you expected him to do that tbh.

If your mum won’t come to you, I’d do dinner at home and about 2-3ish head to mum’s with food and snacks and spend the evening with her. I’ve lost my dad and I’m the only relative of my mum who’s 82 but she would have to come to us or I’d do the above.

I totally get you and your mum not being ‘in the mood’ for Christmas given the recent bereavement but it seems very unreasonable to expect your husband to cut short a Christmas Day with his child to ‘share grief’.

Just go support your mum and leave your husband to spend the majority of the day with his kid.

in your shoes I’d spend all day with your mum and your husband can have his day as planned with DD. Then do something together for Boxing Day.

some posts on this thread show very little understanding of sudden bereavement.

You go to your mum’s at midday, DH joins you at 4pm after DD has gone back home.

I thought this as well

The first Christmas after such a big bereavement is a write-off anyway.
I would leave your partner to spend the whole day with his DD. You still have the special breakfast and presents at home, then head to your Mum’s and spend the day there.
Something in your post tells me that it could be good for your husband to fend for himself for the day. Is it usually you putting in the effort to make things special, with all the little extras, cooking, getting in people’s favourite treats? He doesn’t sound too appreciative.

It's not going to do either of you any good to spend the day wallowing. I'm sure your mum would feel bad about separating the family. Spending it with an excited child might help. I'd encourage your mum to come to you, but otherwise go to her after lunch.

I don't think your dh is being rigid, I think he's prioritizing his dd and that's totally appropriate. No, your dsd shouldn't be sent home because your dm doesn't want to come to you, that wouldn't be fair at all.

Honestly, considering your dm refused the invite, I'd assume she prefers some time alone and go after 4, but you could always head over at 12 and leave your dh and dsd to celebrate at home.

I would leave my own children to be with my mum in this situation, let alone a stepchild.

spend Xmas with your mum - watch telly, eat crap and be sad together. It’s one day - and everyone else being happy when you’re not is shit.

Let DH and DSD have their Christmas at home. His priorities are in the right place. I wouldn’t be doing all the Xmas prep though - let him do the big shop and the dinner etc!

Yes - your priority is to your DM, his to his DD.

I think this is your compromise here. Stepdaughter is not pushed out. You have lunch with your husband. Your mum is supported but not overwhelmed with people.

Did your mum ever have Christmas separate from Dad? If not, is that truly what she’d want for you?

This seems like a good solution.

Do an early lunch at 12 with your DH and DSD, then go to your mum mid afternoon.

Leave your DH and DSD at home together til 4, then DH can join you later if you and your mum want him to, or give you space if not?

I am very sorry for your loss op.

I understand both your concerns so going separate ways this year makes sense.

I think Christmases with kids are so fleeting and your husband deserves his 50% share of them.