Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

[NorthSouthUK]

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

I think that the best solution would be for your DH to hand DSD over at 4pm as per the original arrangement. You could leave to go to your mum's at 12 noon and your DH could follow after he's handed DSD over, four hours later. This enables your mum to not be alone and your DSD to have the full time with her father.

Like i said...............sociopathic

Yeah we are always seeing on the step parents board that the step mum should mind her own as access is for time with the kids father..............ah but there is more domestic work to be done at Christmas. The hypocrisy is stark

A less than ideal Christmas is not traumatic for a child, don't be ridiculous.

On the back of the parents having rows it all adds up. It sounds like the child needs stability.

For what it’s worth, my father spent the Christmas with us all 6 months after my mum died and there was no split with him making us all go in different directions. Many parents after their partners die manage to spend Christmas at their kids / in law homes. They enjoyed their days as it took their mind of their mourning.

I think you should split for Christmas. You’ll be sad and grieving and that won’t be fun for the little girl. You may as well go to your mums and let them have their Christmas. Sorry for your loss OP

Your dad is not the OP's mum. People are not all the same and do not have the same needs.

You have invented a backstory and diagnosed "trauma" in a child based on one episode of bedwetting three+ years ago. That is going it some, even for armchair diagnosis mad MN.

No it was in the basis that a kid was being fought over by the parents and court involved for dad to get his access back. That seems tumultuous I would say. Clearly in the meantime, the child was denied access to dad - you don’t think that would have caused severe distress? Try your kids not seeing their dad for many months.

oh and DM wants OP to do that does she? Do you know that ? You seem to be very authorative.
And I'm not a thickett I know the child is not the OP's biological DD. I'm quite clued up on Mumsnet abbreviations.
But that is OP's family unit/household.
Nowhere did I say carry on as normal as though you are not grieving. I said carry on as planned and DM may change her mind nearer the time or visit her at tea time if DM is wanting to be on her own.
I suggest you read and digest posts before quoting @C8H10N4O2 - cool username for Mumsnet.

Again, you are making up a backstory with no actual facts and then applying a diagnosis using those made up facts.

You said the OP should fit in with the court order as usual and stay with the DH/DSD until 4pm. The court order doesn't apply to the OP - it applies to the DH, his ex and the child.

Lets face it - it took minutes for PP's to jump on the OP for using the word "biological" and having the temerity for thinking she might do anything other than centre the step child (who she will have no access to in the event of a divorce).

SMs are part of the family unit when they are doing free childcare and funding court cases but not as soon as they want to do anything that doesn't serve the convenience of biological parents.
The OP should feel free to spend the day with her mum if that is what she and the DM want. A ten year old is quite old enough to understand that sometimes adults need to consider others.

yes and I stand by that as that is what she had happily arranged before.
OP invited mum. mum doesn't want to at this point.
doesn't need to be set in stone.
Yes OP is step mum. ok you say it it means nothing. That is not my opinion. personally as a human I would prefer to not make a child feel like they aren't welcome or someone to rush off on Christmas day of all days.

blended families go through lots of things together. I'm not someone who is interested in popularity contests. OP sounds like a very good role model for her step child. OP hasn't said she doesn't want to spend the day with step child. she asked should she go to her mum's.
her mum hasn't said she wants her to. Her mum might change her mind. and does it matter if mum says on Xmas morning she's changed her mind. no it doesn't.
but my opinion is op do as she had originally planned and ger mum either comes or maybe sees them later. or she may not want to be with anyone.
I don't know why you have took offence at my opinion I'm just saying go with the flow.

OP supported and as she declared paid for the court order. So it's not hers but they all live in the same home - yes DD part time but it is still her home.
I am not saying it so OP gets the dinner made and acts as a Xmas fairy making everyone happy. it's up to her how much she does domestic chores wise.
my point is DM hasn't even said she wants to spend time with DD. So DD should do what she was going to do.

The op said there was a court case to get access back!