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Original poster

Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

364 replies

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:40

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 04/10/2026 08:49

Try to persuade your DM to spend the day with you. Remind her that you need each other. Make a room comfortable for her so she can withdraw sometimes.

Not being in her own home could make the first Christmas without your father okay.
Your DH will also be able to prepare most of the meal.

FunPreventionOfficer · 04/10/2026 08:50

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

It’s still only October, obviously she’ll still be grieving at Christmas but she may feel differently. Does everything have to be agreed now?

HangingOver · 04/10/2026 08:51

I agree with pp that I would try hard to persuade my mum to come to yours for the day

Dont. The first Christmas is horrendous. Enforced jollity Will just make her want to throw herself out a window and DC will feel in eggshells.

Notonthestairs · 04/10/2026 08:52

So he’d have Christmas lunch with his child Christmas 2028?
No I wouldn’t ask that of him.

As for my plans, I would decide closer to the time. There’s no rush.

user1492757084 · 04/10/2026 08:54

It doesn't need to be jolly.
Or enforced.
But Christmas Day at your place could be an option, particularly as the weeks progress.

Walkerzoo · 04/10/2026 08:54

People at that age don't want to travel. I have seen this a lot with extended family

Still early but is there a long term plan here. No family close by so is it the time to think beyond Christmas. Who helps with shopping, food, or other things

Is it time to look at her moving closer?

But sometimes we all have to listen to parents particularly when older.

Depending on how frail, you may nit have another Christmas to factor.

JustLookingThanks · 04/10/2026 08:57

Wale up and fancy breakfast at home with husband. Then off to your mum's for a nice lunch and remembering your dad. No guilt needed.
Your mum may be saying she doesn't want to come to yours for lunch, think of this as at the moment she doesn't want to but she may want to come December. Things might change, leave the door open incase she needs some distraction.
I'd explain to your husband that's it's an unusual year and you both need to prioritise people important in your life so you'll be spending time apart.

Londonwelshie · 04/10/2026 08:58

If she doesn’t want to come to you then I would stick to your current plans. She will be fine with you coming after step daughter is dropped off at 4pm. She doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas at all so you could spend the evening with her so she has someone to share the grief with.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 04/10/2026 08:59

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2026 05:17

I’m going against the grain and saying spend the day as planned and then go to your Mum at 4 and spend the evening. If she doesn’t want to come to yours then she doesn’t really want to do Xmas. Don’t mess your step daughter up -she’s 10 and Xmas is a big deal at that age.

This. Be very careful here not to set a precedent that mum’s wants trump everyone else’s. Circumstances, early days etc or not. My GP were married 66 years and when my GF died my GM was happy to fit round the majority. Child takes priority and I’m sure your DM would expect that anyway?!

B9waiting · 04/10/2026 09:00

HettyTagliatelli · 04/10/2026 05:10

Are you your mums only relative?

Your husband is 100% right to prioritise his daughter and in his position I’d be quite hurt that you’d ask his child to leave early.

If you can’t support him and your mum doesn’t have anyone else and refuses to come to you, then you don’t have much option but to have Christmas dinner separately.

This! I’m quite shocked that you asked him to leave his DD back so early on Christmas Day. He’s absolutely right to prioritise her. You leave to see your mum at 12pm & have lunch separately.

Shineonyoucrazy · 04/10/2026 09:02

TruffleSlinky · 04/10/2026 04:46

I agree with pp that I would try hard to persuade my mum to come to yours for the day. She may say no to begin with, but I would persevere for a bit as that seems by far the best solution.

If you really can't convince her, then it's ok for you and DH to spend it separately. It does seem like a shame though.

Please anything but this. Putting pressure on her to put her own needs aside and do something she actively does not want to do is the most awful, tin-eared proposal. Your Mum is a grown woman who will have understood the issues around who is where at Christmas since before most of us were born. I’m sorry your DH won’t compromise on where he has his Christmas dinner as 12 noon handover after special morning and presents (the acknowledged most important bit for your DSD) as a compassionate and pragmatic compromise and DSD may be really ready to see her Mum by then.
What does your Mum think? She may not want her DSGD’s plans changed. How important is Christmas Dinner to her? If it’s really important to her to have Christmas Dinner in the early afternoon then maybe you and your DH should agree to spend most day apart with you doing some presents and Christmas morning things together then you going there. She may prefer to see you both in the late afternoon and evening. If you don’t feel you can really broach this with her, if she’s in that really low, depressed stage of grieving where she cannot really care or express a view either way my priority would be her.
I hope you find a way through this.

sherbetlemonade · 04/10/2026 09:02

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 04/10/2026 04:11

Don't call her bio mum. There's only one mum.in the equation, it doesn't need the qualifier.

If your husband is so bothered about having dinner with his daughter, let him cook it and eat with her. You. An be with your mother. Why would his needs come first?

I think the OP used that term to distingish between her own mum, herself, her DH's own mum, and his child's mother - not in a derogatory way, but so we understood which mum she was on about.

Walkerzoo · 04/10/2026 09:04

The DSD may want a day just with her dad

Still early though but bigger issues to factor through as in his frail and longer term care

Shinyandnew1 · 04/10/2026 09:05

If your mum doesn’t want come to yours, then I would go to your mum’s with a bag full of nice food with your DH after your SD has gone to her mum’s. Stay for dinner/evening and the night if possible?

I don’t think it’s fair to ruin plans for a 10 year old. I would also make it. Lear to your mum that she is welcome to change her mind at any point and come to yours-it’s only one extra person for part of the day.

Timble · 04/10/2026 09:05

I see both sides completely. Your dh obviously doesn’t want to miss special time with his dd but your mum absolutely needs someone with her. I live 300 miles from my family so we always alternate Xmas. My Fil died many years ago in April, that year it was my turn to go to see my family but I couldn’t leave MIL so we stayed here. My family completely understood. It was the right thing to do and it meant the world to my MIL. The loss for your mum is still very fresh.

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 04/10/2026 09:06

I lost my dad earlier this year OP. There's no way I'd not be with my mum (or make sure she was with one of my brothers) on Christmas Day, unless she really wanted to be alone.

If your mum really doesn't want to come to yours, which is understandable, either go to hers for the whole day or go at 4 pm.

I can understand your DH not wanting to miss having dinner with his DD. But it doesn't mean you can't do what's right for you.

Frenchjamisbest · 04/10/2026 09:08

I would go to her and have a second 'Xmas ' at home later or earlier.

TheBers · 04/10/2026 09:12

To be honest it sounds a bit sad for the child. If you go she’ll just be having just her and her dad there for Christmas lunch.

Since shes with you for the lead up I’d suggest presents at yours and then DC has lunch with mum.

I’d definitely go to my mums on my own though if she won’t travel.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/10/2026 09:13

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

A no brainer - go to your mother at this stark time for her. You will have many more Christmas with your children, less so with your grieving mother. (And good behaviour to model to your children).

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

RubyToDosDay · 04/10/2026 09:14

Can’t you have the morning with your DP and DSD, then you go to your mum’s at 12. DP and DSD have a few hours together, you and your mum can have some time to do what you want to. DP can then join you once his daughter has gone to her mum’s…

Step5678 · 04/10/2026 09:14

Definitely go to your mum's alone, I suspect she would prefer to see you without your husband anyway. Don't expect your husband to send his daughter home early, she is still so young and Christmas is still special, he only sees her on alternative years and it will be very different when she is 12 on the next occasion. I'm sure he's very aware of that and shouldn't have to give up that time.

So separating from midday onwards sounds best for everyone

ThereIsSomethingWrongWithTheLeftFilange · 04/10/2026 09:17

harderthanIexpected · 03/10/2026 23:46

I wouldn't think twice a about leaving your DH and DSD to it and spending the entire day with your DM.

Absolutely this.

Your Mum needs you right now and you need to do this together.

The first Christmas will be so tough for her, and for you, and she needs you more than your DH does.

There is no question where my priorities would lie and my DH would have to just like it or lump it. End of.

Please don't leave your Mum to cope with this first Christmas alone.

BugJuice · 04/10/2026 09:18

Walkerzoo · 04/10/2026 08:54

People at that age don't want to travel. I have seen this a lot with extended family

Still early but is there a long term plan here. No family close by so is it the time to think beyond Christmas. Who helps with shopping, food, or other things

Is it time to look at her moving closer?

But sometimes we all have to listen to parents particularly when older.

Depending on how frail, you may nit have another Christmas to factor.

Has the OP said how old her mum is? My in laws are coming to us from abroad for Christmas, they’re 79 and 77.

JLou08 · 04/10/2026 09:23

I think it was unfair of you to suggest his DD goes home early. You've given your mum the opportunity to come to you so you call all be together, she declined which is understandable but it shouldn't mean your DH and his child miss out.
If I was in your situation I'd have dinner with DH and his DD then go to mums alone.

Comtesse · 04/10/2026 09:25

Picklelily99 · 04/10/2026 07:59

It's only October. Your bereavement was 2 months ago, and christmas is 2 months ahead, it's far too early to be making Christmas plans. It's understandable for your mother to be only thinking of death right now, but by Christmas she may feel she wants to focus more on life events, and remember and reminisce the happy times.

I agree. Let this one play out for a few weeks and a way forward will probably be a lot clearer. The plan with DSD should stay as it is, but your mum might well feel a bit different.

I also want to ask - surely you can’t be expected to cook Christmas lunch in 2 places simultaneously? Could DH cook if you were at your mum’s? If he cannot, is that one reason why he might want you to stay home (which would be a bit crap)?

If that is part if the issue, he needs to practice cooking a Sunday roast every week through til Christmas!