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Original poster

Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

364 replies

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:40

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

OP posts:
wiredandtired · 04/10/2026 07:17

AhBiscuits · 04/10/2026 07:03

It's not going to do either of you any good to spend the day wallowing. I'm sure your mum would feel bad about separating the family. Spending it with an excited child might help. I'd encourage your mum to come to you, but otherwise go to her after lunch.

Sometimes when you are grieving, especially at Christmas, spending the day quietly together and allowing yourself to feel sad is exactly what you need. Ignoring sadness does not make it go away.
(As anyone who ever watched "Inside Out" would know 😄)

Lucia573 · 04/10/2026 07:20

DH should stick to his plans with his DD. Christmas with a 10 year old is precious. Would your mum really want to to cut your family day short? I would want my DD to make the most of her time with her husband in your mum’s shoes. Sounds like she doesn’t want to make a big deal of Christmas in her grief, so I don’t think 4 hours will make a huge difference. You head to her when your SD is dropped off.

Dandeloosha · 04/10/2026 07:23

Does your mum actually want to spend Christmas Day with you? There is always this assumption that people have to spend Christmas together and sometimes they just want to be left alone. Check with her first and be guided by what she wants. She may prefer a quiet day and then a visit on Boxing Day.

Whaleandsnail6 · 04/10/2026 07:31

I think you should go to your mum and let dh have his Christmas with his daughter

When you say "won't be putting on a show"....what do you mean? I mean this in a non criticizing way, but I think you need to put on a show of happiness for children at Christmas, even if you do not feel it. They need normality and a happy day. I say that as someone who lost a parent close to Christmas when I had young children...I wouldn't want them to have memories of me sad at Christmas, thats the time I wanted the day about them and their joy and excitement

Why don't you travel to mum on Christmas eve? That way you can both support each other through the whole day, you won't have the pressure of trying to act happy for sd, wouldnt feel worried and guilty at mum being alone and dh and his daughter get to celebrate the day together

Besidemyselfwithworry · 04/10/2026 07:35

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

I’d work on your mum to come to you and be with other people to be honest. It’s afew weeks yet xx

Thatnameistaken · 04/10/2026 07:37

If the alternative is for your grieving mum to be alone this Christmas then you should go to her in the morning and support her through the day, this 'first' is going to be incredibly hard for her and she will need you far more than your DH and SD. It sounds as though you'll have had plenty of time with them both leading up to Christmas day.
Are there other relatives who will see your mum too?

spaghettiandicecream · 04/10/2026 07:39

What does your mum think you should do?

Puppalicious · 04/10/2026 07:39

I don’t think DSD going home early is an option. Christmas with children is so precious and time-limited, and given he only gets 50% of them, it’s a very big ask to ask him to cut it short (even regardless of any impact on DSD).
Could you have an early Christmas lunch around 1pm with DH and DSD - maybe only having a starter but just to share with them - and then head over to your mums for maybe 2pm? Obviously your DH should be doing the cooking so you’re not stuck catering twice!

Mapletree1985 · 04/10/2026 07:42

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:40

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

Time moves on, circumstances change, and our arrangements must change with them. This rigid idea some people have that "the family" all must be together on the 25th December creates some real headaches. Why don't you go spend Christmas with your mum while your DH takes his little girl away somewhere special? I presume you live together the other 361 days of the year, so being apart for 4 days won't be a huge hardship.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/10/2026 07:43

Spend the whole day apart except maybe presents, you go to your mum and your DH can have dinner with his daughter.

Mapletree1985 · 04/10/2026 07:44

wiredandtired · 04/10/2026 07:17

Sometimes when you are grieving, especially at Christmas, spending the day quietly together and allowing yourself to feel sad is exactly what you need. Ignoring sadness does not make it go away.
(As anyone who ever watched "Inside Out" would know 😄)

Edited
Show quote history

But the mum IS the family too!

Ooodelally · 04/10/2026 07:46

I’m sorry for your loss. I think you should split and your husband stay with his daughter and you go to you mum xx

Mapletree1985 · 04/10/2026 07:47

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2026 05:17

I’m going against the grain and saying spend the day as planned and then go to your Mum at 4 and spend the evening. If she doesn’t want to come to yours then she doesn’t really want to do Xmas. Don’t mess your step daughter up -she’s 10 and Xmas is a big deal at that age.

A 10 year old girl is more than capable of understanding that the needs of someone who has recently suffered a terrible bereavement must be prioritized. It won't wreck the child's Christmas if her stepmum is away taking care of someone who needs her - and if it does, then the child needs to learn a little unselfishness.

Happytaytos · 04/10/2026 07:47

Do the morning together. Then you go to mums and he stays with SD. Once SD is home, he joins you at mums.

SplishSplash123 · 04/10/2026 07:52

I think it makes sense to spend the day apart, I think when you have step children in the mix you have to accept as a couple that sometimes you won't have the same priorities. Your SD might even enjoy having a day with just your DH.

Sorry for your and your mum's loss.

Justmadesourkraut · 04/10/2026 07:52

As a pp suggested, Id cook the lunch with an extra portion to deliver to your mum, then either head over to hers leaving dh and dsd to eat together, or eat the main course together and leave them to pud.

Copperoliverbear · 04/10/2026 07:54

Why can’t you mum stay with you ?

D0gMum26 · 04/10/2026 07:56

As others have said- a compromise of an earlier Xmas dinner at 12/1230 then you heading to your mum after that around 2/2.30 would be ideal imo @NorthSouthUK
I was also struck by the person asking did your mum and dad spend Christmas apart? As that is a good point too- your loss and your mums grief shouldn’t lessen the bond between you and your husband to honour hers. They’ve had over 60 years together which is amazing and whilst she will be grieving your mum should be encouraged to appreciate that some people would give their all to be so lucky and that grief she feels is her price of love and look back with happiness and gratitude for his and their life together rather than wallowing in the grief and allowing herself to just wait til she joins him. I’m sure that’s not what he would have wanted for either of you.
Death on your late 70s or early 80s of course can still be sudden but it is not unexpected and the memories made on days such as those with your SD are precious.

Copperoliverbear · 04/10/2026 07:58

Explain the situation to her properly say how difficult it will make the day for you if she doesn’t come to yours as SD is coming this year.

Ohyesiwill2 · 04/10/2026 07:58

Well, he's not bothered at all about how you feel and will continue to prioritise what he thinks matters more.

So spending the day apart is fine. Just do that.

Summerunlover · 04/10/2026 07:58

I would just go to your mums on your own.

Picklelily99 · 04/10/2026 07:59

It's only October. Your bereavement was 2 months ago, and christmas is 2 months ahead, it's far too early to be making Christmas plans. It's understandable for your mother to be only thinking of death right now, but by Christmas she may feel she wants to focus more on life events, and remember and reminisce the happy times.

Ohyesiwill2 · 04/10/2026 07:59

Well, he's not bothered at all about how you feel and will continue to prioritise what he thinks matters more.

So spending the day apart is fine. Just do that.

Edit - sorry no idea why the double post.

Justbrieme · 04/10/2026 08:03

I’m so sorry for your loss @NorthSouthUK I definitely think that you should go and spend Christmas with your Mum after you get up on Christmas morning. I think that is the best solution all around especially if your mother is not up to being around other people, it is probably better that your DH isn’t there.

ShadowManCometh · 04/10/2026 08:06

I am sorry about your Dad. What does your Mum want? Does she want to be supported or left alone? To be honest FIL hasn't really celebrated Christmas since MIL died. No decorations, no effort at all into marking the occasion, it literally could be any other visit. It has continued in this vein for over a decade.

I think cutting your SDD's visit short is not a good idea, you have to consider her in all of this too. Maybe you need to be at your Mum's by yourself and your Dh could join you later.

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