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Original poster

Should we spend Christmas Day apart to support my recently bereaved mum?

364 replies

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:40

Interested to hear how others might handle this situation as it's playing on my mind, and my husband is being rigid about his obligations. My Dad passed very unexpectedly a couple of months ago. Mum is frail and struggling with her new reality after 60 years together.

Christmas this year is my husband's turn to see his daughter/my step daughter (10). DH and bio Mum alternate years.
Currently DC is scheduled to go home at 4pm on Christmas Day so she also has time with bio Mum.

I suggested that as DC is with us for the 4 days before Christmas, which includes her birthday, that on Christmas Day perhaps she could go home to her bio Mum at midday for this year only. She will wake up on Christmas morning with us for a special breakfast, Santa will have been, there will be presents etc. This would enable us to then go to my Mum's for the rest of the afternoon and evening to support her and allow Mum and me to share our grief and remember Dad without the pressure of everyone putting a happy face on in front of others.

DH is not happy with this. He understands DC's most important thing will be the presents, but his most important part of Christmas is Christmas dinner together and that it's already agreed the handover will be 4pm. I got a flippant response that DC might as well not come at all. He didn't seem understanding that I won't be prioritising putting on a show as I'll be upset and Mum will be alone as there's no family near her.

The only solution I can come up with now is for DH and I to spend the day apart - him with DC and me with Mum. Are there any other suggestions?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 04/10/2026 08:07

I’ll be honest I’d give a flippant answer as well if the first option given was to get rid of my child early.

let your mum decide later if she wants you to go to her or she comes to stay with you, it doesn’t need to be decided this early.

MCF86 · 04/10/2026 08:08

Sorry for your loss, "firsts" are especially hard aren't they :(

You go to your mums at midday, Husband joins you there when DSD has gone back to mums.

Although ideally, your mum would come to you for dinner (sharing Christmas with a child could be quite a tonic!), and then you take her home and stay with her for a while.

Barney16 · 04/10/2026 08:09

It would probably do your mum good to come to you, I'm very recently bereaved so I'm not plucking that advice out of thin air. But if Mum really isn't up to it go to her and your husband stay at home with his daughter. After someone dies firsts are really hard but you and your mum could look at some photos together, talk about your dad, maybe go to the grave ( if your father was buried). I'm very sorry for your loss OP and I'm very sorry for your mum's loss too.

unsync · 04/10/2026 08:10

What do you want to do @NorthSouthUK ? You've just lost your father, who is supporting you? Personally, I think I'd leave DH to it and go be with my mother. You can have a quiet Christmas together in remembrance of your Dad.

If your DH gives you grief about him having to cook, you may like to think about how supportive he is of your needs.

Whattodo1122 · 04/10/2026 08:12

So sorry for your loss xx

The only place I would be in this situation is by my mums side, maybe just being the 2 of you will be a lot better for her if she doesn’t want to celebrate as 2 months is nothing.

I hope your husband understands, it’s a one off and the right thing to do.

BugJuice · 04/10/2026 08:13

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

The only extra person would be your SD wouldn’t it?
YANBU to want to spend the day with your mum. Your husband is DNBU to want to spend as much of the day as possible with his daughter. If you and him spending it apart is the only way you can achieve that, then do that.

rookiemere · 04/10/2026 08:14

I would have an earlyish Christmas lunch at home, make up a nice plate to bring to your DM then spend a few hours with her. I don’t think you’ve mentioned how far away she lives, so that might be a factor. Do you have siblings- if so maybe talk to them about how the day could be split or if you’re an only DC like me, it’s good not to try to split yourself too far to be all things to all people.

Also as others have said, your DM may not want much Christmas celebration. I think letting her have a quiet morning and then joining her in the afternoon is a good compromise.

cartagenagina · 04/10/2026 08:15

Your mum should come to you. If she chooses not to, then that’s her decision and you need to respect it.

HettyTagliatelli · 04/10/2026 08:17

664eek · 04/10/2026 06:48

in your shoes I’d spend all day with your mum and your husband can have his day as planned with DD. Then do something together for Boxing Day.

some posts on this thread show very little understanding of sudden bereavement.

I lost my husband very suddenly, I still think the child in the situation should take priority and the OP has more obligation to support her than her Mum.

Christmas Day will be miserable for her Mum whether or not she is there. It could be lovely for the stepdaughter or not, depending on what OP chooses to do.

Felixthewonderdog · 04/10/2026 08:22

invite your mum to spend xmas ar your house. Having a child around will be a useful distraction

if she refuses, you drive over and have a drink with her but return to your house for xmas lunch

or you go round at 4pm when the daughter has left

ThankyouBakedP0tato · 04/10/2026 08:22

Go and spend time with your mum yourself. You'll probably have a better time just the two of you as you can properly reminisce.

Felixthewonderdog · 04/10/2026 08:23

She may well perk up by xmas and be more up for being around people

Simplelobsterhat · 04/10/2026 08:29

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

It's still 2 1/2 months away so do you need her to decide yet? She may feel more like it by then.

If she won't, then yes spend it separately, as it's not fair to your Dh to ask him to spend less time with his child, and may make the child feel pushed out. You wouldn't have that option if she was both of yours anyway, so plenty of people do work around these things. Or spend the time after 4 with your mum.

I'm sorry for your loss.

ThatCosy · 04/10/2026 08:31

Look after your mum. Makeva fuss of your step daughter beforehand and explain. She'll understand.

Moonnstarz · 04/10/2026 08:31

Sorry for your loss but I am team DH. How will it look to a 10 year old who knows that she normally stays the day with her dad when it's his turn to be turfed out at lunchtime. Also depending on his relationship with his ex how this could be ammunition for suggesting how he isn't involved, lacks interest in her etc which could be fed back to DD who then may not want to visit in the future.

As others have said DD is 10 so can understand that you will be sad about your dad no longer being around, and that your mum is needing support. I would do as others suggest and have an early lunch together before heading to your mum's for the afternoon.

Alittlefrustrated · 04/10/2026 08:32

I'd have dinner as normal with DH and DSD, maybe aim to be finished by 3. Then go to mum's without DH. I'm assuming drivers/cars allows for this.
Your suggestion to cut short DSD's day with her dad is very selfish,grieving or not. She's 10. DH only gets 50 % of Christmas dinners.
If you really can't put on a happy face, for the child's sake, then maybe it's best you go to Mum's for Christmas Eve,and come back when DSD is gone. DH will have to make the best of it. He should be understanding and accept this with good grace.
I'm sorry for your loss OP.
My mother died 2 days before Christmas. It's awful. My happy face had to go on for my son's Christmas Day.
My mother would 100 % of expected that and done the same though.

Ethelspagetti · 04/10/2026 08:35

In this case I’d spend it separately. Yes go to your mums as you’ll be feeling miserable too. Will your husband be okay with this?

My dad felt suicidal during his first few months without his wife. He came to us for Christmas which did him good, but the kids didn’t enjoy him being here as he kept getting upset. We still have him every year but this year would like to swap it to Boxing Day instead! But he expects to be with us for Christmas Day, tricky one! How about you both go to hers on Boxing Day instead? Gives her something to look forward to and if she expects the tradition to continue then it doesn’t infringe on Christmas Day.

WhereAreWeNow · 04/10/2026 08:38

I would spend the day with mum if she didn't want to come and spend the day with us. Sorry for your loss. It'll be a difficult day 💐

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/10/2026 08:39

Christmas is for children - I think your husband is correct in prioritising his daughter at Christmas.

If your mum won't come for Christmas then I think you should go to her after you have had dinner at home.

HideousKinky · 04/10/2026 08:41

Chickadee26 · 04/10/2026 04:55

In your shoes I'd go to my mother.

So would I

Kez145 · 04/10/2026 08:42

I think you are being unreasonable. I say this as someone who lost my mum in May. Your mum should come to you or you wait and go later.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/10/2026 08:43

It's not going to do either of you any good to spend the day wallowing.

She has just lost her husband of 60 years, if she's not allowed to 'wallow' over that, Christmas or not, then when is she? she's barely started on her grieving journey.

LethargeMarg · 04/10/2026 08:44

Scarlettpixie · 04/10/2026 01:31

I would invite your mum and if she refuses go to her either on your own after dinner with DSD or with or without your DH after 4pm. I don’t think your DH should send DSD home early.

i agree with this. Invite your mum , offer to collect her etc, drive her back etc but i wouldn’t miss xmas lunch with partner and ds. I wonder if the lunch aspect is a lot for your mum and she may not want a typical xmas anyway? you could always have xmas tea with her?
i think a 10 yo still gets very excited for christmas and would likely be sad if it was just her and dad…amd does lunch take till 4 just the 3 of you? could you have lunch then drive over to your mum after?

Blushingm · 04/10/2026 08:47

NorthSouthUK · 03/10/2026 23:45

She doesn't want to. She's withdrawn at the moment and not in the mood to be around people. I think forcing it will reinforce the sadness into the day at our house.

Show quote history

So you’re wanting your DH to sacrifice what he feels to be one of important parts of Christmas for him and his daughter for your mum but you can’t do the same for him and his daughter.

Hand over at 4 means you can go to your mums after that.

IronEverything · 04/10/2026 08:49

I'm with your DH. He spends Christmas day with his daughter once every 2 years. This is the last one where she's going to be remotely child like.

He shouldn't have to give that up just because your mum doesn't want to come to your house. You are unreasonable to even ask him to send her home early and I think you should apologise for doing so.

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