27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

Carry on like it didn't happen. But.. can you see yourself with you're dh in 10, 20, years time ? How's your sex life?

I don't know. I thing I maight just end my marrige without confessing the affair.

Well I suppose you could tell him why, you could tell him about all the reasons you were unhappy enough to have an affair, but that’s an aside.

if I were you and I could live with myself (and I had kids) I might not say anything. However, I would consider how genuinely ‘good’ your relationship is now (or can ever be) with the previous issues and now this between you.

I'm worried about having to explain my cheating past if I ever get into a new relationship. That's why I tgaught about leaving without telling.

He deserves to know and have the truth about why the relationship is ending if thats how it goes.

Your future dating chances really shouldn’t be featuring in this decision.

whoops - meant or quote your next comment.

If you no longer have the same feelings for your husband and don’t feel that you will see them return then exit the relationship without causing more pain on your husband. It won’t be straightforward with children but it may eat you up staying in the relationship and having this in your head. As for future relationships I suppose you have to communicate issues and addressing them more actively. I’m not sure you’d have to disclose your affair as it would be in the past and you would not do it again.

You’d basically blow up the lives of four other people by telling him. For what? To ease your conscience? Don’t do it.
I’m not sure why you’d be discussing it with a future partner either. Just leave it in the past and channel the guilt into building a better relationship with your husband.

You don’t sound very into your marriage. You ‘might’ just end it. You are worried about what future partners think.

Really?

Personally, I’d say absolutely nothing because disclosure will harm everyone in your family. The pain will be immense and lifelong and unbearable. For your children’s sake, at the very least, say nothing. Also, you took an oath of silence/discretion with your AP. Mean it. Be true to your word.

Only you can know whether or not staying in your marriage is the right decision. You’ll have to give this some real, earnest consideration and accept that divorce might be the better option.

I think if you're making your decisions based on what your future boyfriend that doesn't exist thinks of your moral code, then you've definitely got some more thinking to do, as that's a pretty unusual consideration given the scenario.

You sound remarkably uninvested in this marriage.

Just wondering what the responses would be if it was a man posting that he had lied to his wife for more than two years, exposed her to STDs and wondered if it’s ok to let her continue in a relationship built on lies.

I know you say he would never find out, but these things have a way of coming to light eventually. You can’t really know that he’ll never find out, only that he doesn’t know right now.

My husband tried to do this to me, he had an affair with a woman who was completely unknown to me or any of our friends, then he ended it and tried to make things work with me. I found out about the affair by pure chance about 6 months later. It was devastating but I can’t imagine how much worse it would feel if 10 years had gone by without me knowing. You are depriving him of the opportunity to make his life choices based on the facts.

Of course the 'right' thing is to be honest. The consequences of this could be dire though and blow up your life and your children's lives. They may hate you, your wider family may turn against you etc.

So by doing the 'right' thing you are likely to end up hurting people a great deal. By not saying anything there is a risk of the above coming out anyway but less so.

By doing the wrong thing you may reduce harm. Of course that's a big secret to hold onto for the rest of your life.

I do think you should leave you DH anyway. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who cheated on him even if he never finds out that was why.

"... maight just end my marrige without confessing the affair."

Cannot see the point of ending it if you want to stay.

Out of interest why did the affair end?
I wouldn’t say anything- you say you want to work on your marriage

Nice way of thanking him for bringing up your children 'as his own' 🙄

You're going to cheat on your new partner too.

You don’t need to wonder, there are many threads.

he’s always roundly castigated and it’s made clear that not telling is a form of abuse.

odd this doesn’t happen here…

There will be always be distance between you if you stay without telling him. Look in your heart: do you want to stay? If you do, you have to tell him who you really are and give him the choice too as to whether he wants a fresh start with you. If you know though, that it’s the end, don’t destroy him, walk away and take the opportunity to reinvent who you are. This is the paradox: in staying, honesty will set you both free. In going, honesty will only imprison you. Others will disagree, but this is based on experience.

I would have a think about what would be best for your kids and then do that.

I imagine that means not telling him and doing what you can to make the marriage work.

Of course you should tell him. He’ll probably have had an idea something was going on anyway but possibly could never prove it. You sound pretty callous.

He will find out some way or another. It’s sounds great that you’re AP took a vow of silence but evidently people can break vows as you have broken your marriage vows.

What were the reasons for the marriage being shit? That would affect my answer.

If you’re thinking about a new partner whilst coming out of an affair , then you need to end it with your husband because he deserves better.
If you actually want to make it work, keep your mouth shut and actually invest in him.

I think the purpose of telling him is to alleviate your own guilt. If so, do not tell him. You will have to live with it though