27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

Those are separate and make no sense.

The bigger question is why are you staying if this is how you are thinking?

Youve asked if you should divorce or not without giving us any details about the marriage...

What was bad about it?
What has improved?
What is still bad?

Tbf a man could come on here and say he's just found out his dw has had an affair and the response would be did you do enough in the home, what have you done wrong?

And I bet you're 10x angrier and more humiliated to find out that way, than if your husband had the decency to come clean?

I mean my preference was absolutely for my ex to have kept his dirty dick in his pants,
But he clearly couldn't, so then next best scenario would've been him coming clean..
He clearly couldn't do that either.

So yes I also found out from someone else and it added a whole load more stuff to go through in therapy. 😔

Or perhaps most people reading actually have superior morals to OP and by extension, you?

No. I didn't open the letter. My husband told me before the letter arrived and I made a choice not to read it. This is now years later and I've divorced him for something else, so part of me wonders if getting the letter and reading it while he was at work would have been better. I'll never know. I don't feel humiliated at all. He's the one who should as his kids and mother know what he did. I don't see there's anything for me to be humiliated about, angry of course. Disappointed and heartbroken, yes.

A man that's bringing up DC that aren't even biologically his with a wife' that's dishonest and untrustworthy, of course he needs to know, as they say on MN "once a cheater".

You didn't bother about the affair tearing apart your family while you were shagging another man, chances are if your paths do ever cross you'll be at it with him again.

Your question should be whether you tell your husband or despite what he says to you now your AP let's slip at some point and your husband finds out that way.

I don’t understand. Your husband told you because the betrayed husband was about to do so, but you’d rather he’d kept his mouth shut so you would have learned about the affair from the betrayed husband?

No, she doesn’t want the affair ever to come to light because then she would be a known cheater which might affect her future relationship prospects.

Oh, so he did tell you himself then? Sorry I thought you said you found out from the APs husband.
Instead your husband told you because he knew he was about to be exposed anyway.

Apologies, my response was in the scenario that you'd found out from a third party rather than your cheating husband.

I do understand, unfortunately.

No way do you get to blow up those children’s lives because of this. Serve your time and ditch the marriage when they are grown. You have commitments, prior to your affair, that you must honour. Was a marriage and three babies in ten years not enough good fortune?

I think your first step is to decide if you want to work on your mearriage or if you want a divorce.

Ah, I see the confusion. My husband only told me because the OW husband was writing to tell me. If she'd not told hers and my husband's name, he wouldn't have written and mine would have kept quiet.

That's ok. I realised I missed a bit out so it wasn't your fault, I wasn't clear.

Why would you have to explain your past to a new partner? What you choose to share is completely up to you.
I did some rather shady things in my past but I've never considered telling my DH because its none of his business.

I think you’ve checked out of this marriage. That’s a long affair and your main concern about telling him is that it would wreck your chances in a future relationship? Think about that - it’s not right.

only you can decide whether to stay or go but I wouldn’t tell him either way.

Shit for such a long time but now it isn't so shit is he having an affair?

What bullshit. Have you ever seen a post that goes along the lines

OP: Some post about a holiday destination.
MN: How's your marriage, OP?
OP: Eh? It's pretty good. We've all been stressed this year, so want a proper chill-out holiday.
MN: Stressed, huh? Does DH pull his weight at home? How's your sex life?
OP: All good. We're simply worn out from parental issues and teens' exams.
MN: Save the holiday money. You'll need it for your divorce.
OP: ?? What divorce?
MN: Time to get your ducks in a row. You deserve to be free of the bastard.
OP: He's a nice man, actually! He's my friend, supporter and lover. He's a good laugh and a great dad. We want to go on holiday together as a family.
MN: Demand to know the truth! It'll hurt, but you can't build your future on a lie.
OP: ... ... ?!

No, you have never seen a thread like this. It'd be insane, wouldn't it?

You've only seen LTB posts where an OP's confused, bewildered, suspicious. If the spouse in this case is happy enough, like my imaginary OP here, why would anyone want to pull the rug from under them? "I'm sorry to tell you, you've been living a lie for years and it's all my fault" does absolutely nothing good, does it?

That's not double standards, it's compassion for the unsuspecting betrayed partner. Coming clean in this situation only serves the cheat, not the spouse.

I think the affair itself is not the main issue - it’s that you are unhappy in your marriage. You need to talk to your DH about this and decide together whether to have counselling and work on it, or to walk away and divorce. I think telling him that you’ve had an affair in either scenario would simply cause pain and redirect focus from what is important - saving or ending your marriage in a way that protects your children and causes him minimal pain.

You do need, at some point, to have counselling to understand why you had the affair - ie why, rather than address your marital issues, you engaged in avoidance and deceit, and put your children’s wellbeing at risk had it been discovered. Sometimes it is about the dopamine hit, the excitement/fear in an otherwise flat and banal family existence - in which case you need to address this. Understanding this will help you work on your communication style, reconciling you to your life as a parent, and hopefully prevent you doing the same in a future relationship.

Don't tell. He does not need to be destroyed.

'Vengeance is mine; I will repay' - this is the epigraph to L.Tolstoy's Anna Karenin, in other words, rest assured, God will punish you or for the atheists on here, karma will find you.

I voted "don't tell" because if the affair ended and you were committed to your marriage making it work, telling him would do more harm than good to your him and your children.

The problem is that your 2nd and 3rd message is all about "me, me, me and only me". You've learned nothing from the affair or are committed to your H and marriage.

Get a divorce and don't tell him. He doesn't deserve the hurt of having a partner more worried about explaing her cheating to a new boyfriend than why you want to stay with him.

What do you hope to achieve by confessing, unless it is assuage your guilt.

All marriages go through rough patches. Most ride them through. What about your children in all of this. Forgive me, but you appear to be incredibly selfish.

Or, FFS, might it be better because she is no longer having an affair thereby directing her energy away from the marriage?