Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

193 replies

PrincessFiona133 · 22/09/2026 21:35

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

OP posts:
ANNotherWriter · 23/09/2026 07:42

runnerducky · 23/09/2026 07:39

And I am also shocked at the double standards. Frequently on here, posters are told to leave their husbands over far less advanced affairs than this. But this woman has spent two years cheating on her husband and apparently it’s okay just to move on like nothing happened and he will never know he’s been potentially exposed to STDs and his entire relationship and future is built on a lie.

Gross.

I guess cheating is totally fine if the other person just doesn’t find out.

Edited

I'm sure they did the right things to prevent most STIs. The OP would have it if it was there.

If he had something now, it would be visible.

I don't think that is reason enough to tell him.

OldrNWisr · 23/09/2026 07:44

This question comes up on mumsnet a lot and it’s always polarising and the advice is definitely different for a woman than a man.

My opinion is this. Your marriage is already over but only one of you knows it. To stay and keep quiet is to continue lying for the rest of your life. A marriage with a lie that big in the middle of it is absolutely worthless. Your husband deserves your honesty, but if you can’t give him that then let him go.

ThreadGuardDog · 23/09/2026 07:45

PrincessFiona133 · 22/09/2026 21:41

I'm worried about having to explain my cheating past if I ever get into a new relationship. That's why I tgaught about leaving without telling.

Your past is your own - you don’t owe a new partner an explanation or even disclosure.

The marriage may be on a better footing now but you sound very unsure about whether to carry on. Carrying the guilt of the affair isn’t going to help a struggling marriage if you’re trying to get things back on track. Since you’re thinking of ending the marriage anyway, you could potentially tell your DH about the affair and your reasons for it and see whether there’s a way forward. Clean slate so to speak.

Pumpkinmagic · 23/09/2026 07:45

PrincessFiona133 · 22/09/2026 21:41

I'm worried about having to explain my cheating past if I ever get into a new relationship. That's why I tgaught about leaving without telling.

So you are thinking about if you ever get into a new relationship. I think that tells you all you need to know. Jeez, for your poor husband’s sake you need to end it with him. How do you think he would feel reading this. I feel very sorry for your husband but the sooner you end things the sooner he can move on and start to rebuild his life.

runnerducky · 23/09/2026 07:46

Reason enough to tell should be having a moral compass but that seems long gone. He is in a relationship under false pretences, he’s being deceived and will continue to be deceived until OP either tells him or leaves. If you think it’s okay to treat a human being like that, then there’s not much else conversation to be had on the topic. It’s not protecting someone to have them living a life that’s a lie. He could have a future with someone who actually loves and cares for him, but he’s being denied that.

ThreadGuardDog · 23/09/2026 07:46

HonorBound · 23/09/2026 06:33

But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work

why have things changed? in what way?

why can't you look at things the same way anymore? in what way can't you put the affair behind you?

I can’t help wondering whether the improvement in the marriage is more to do with the fact that one partner is no longer having an affair.

ANNotherWriter · 23/09/2026 07:46

Why does he 'deserve honesty' if it's going to make him unhappy?
If OP is repentant and willing to try, acknowledge her mistakes and carry on , is that not better for everyone?
Carrying the guilt is something she will always do.

ThatHangryRubyReader · 23/09/2026 07:48

Also youve mocked your poor husband for 27months meaning his whole life was a lie. Im just shocked and saddened by that for him.

moderate · 23/09/2026 07:48

Sassylovesbooks · 23/09/2026 07:37

You're contradicting yourself here...one sentence you're saying you want to stay married and then in another you're considering ending your marriage!

You need to decide if you still love your husband. If you do, is that enough for you to stay married to him for the next 20+ years? If not, then you need to end the marriage.

Have you thought about some therapy to help you work through your emotions? Sometimes talking through a situation with a stranger, who has no emotional connection to you, might help.

As for telling your husband. If you're planning on staying married, then in my opinion, No, you don't tell him. If you're planning on divorcing him, why hurt the poor bloke any further, by telling him that you had an affair. If he loves you, then you wanting a divorce, will be devastating enough, without throwing in an affair too. If you told him, he'd want to know who the AP is, and that starts opening up a whole can of worms, you don't want to open.

If you wanting to tell him, is because you feel guilty, then, that's not a reason to tell him. That's your guilt, not his. Telling him won't ease that guilt, it will probably make you feel even more guilty because of the fallout your confession will have on your husband and children. Seek some therapy, to talk it over, but ultimately it's something you may have to live with.

Don't be too sure, you were both so discreet that your work colleagues weren't aware of the affair. In my experience, it's usually glaringly obvious, when two people are having an affair, especially working in an office environment. Most people conducting an affair, are never as discreet as they believe!

You need to decide if you still love your husband

The thing is, if OP were to answer this question it would mean something very different to if you or I were to answer it.

OP has already shown herself to be completely selfish, so I would expect her answer to be based on whether he can still provide a means to an end for her.

TheLiftedLash · 23/09/2026 07:48

Wow, you really have taken him for a mug haven't you?

He raised your 2 DC like his own, and you repay him by having an affair. In leaving the marriage and messing up your 3 DC's lives and MH, your first thought is for your image for your next conquest.

Yes, I'd end it and set the poor bloke free.

runnerducky · 23/09/2026 07:49

Okay so what I am getting from this thread is that it’s okay to fuck another man for two years as long as your partner doesn’t find out and you are ‘repentant’. You can just carry on with life like nothing happened with your partner having no idea of the kind of person you are. Lovely.

AutumnsFinallyHere · 23/09/2026 07:53

Affairs are definitely one of the areas on Mumsnet where the woman gets a comparatively easy ride.

Men - wife deserves to know and hopefully she'll hang the bastard from a lamppost. Women - forgive yourself, move on and definitely don't tell anyone.

On threads like these I'm almost waiting for someone to tell the OP she must have tripped, fallen and landed on the other guys dick.

Canitrustagain · 23/09/2026 07:53

Tell him! He deserves to know so he can choose to divorce you and he might’ve also caught STIs from you. There’s no excuse for cheating. If you weren’t happy with him over 2 years ago then you should’ve separated before having an affair. Being cheated on whilst also having a child together is shit. My ex didn’t tell me. I found out because OW told me.

Canitrustagain · 23/09/2026 07:58

ANNotherWriter · 23/09/2026 07:46

Why does he 'deserve honesty' if it's going to make him unhappy?
If OP is repentant and willing to try, acknowledge her mistakes and carry on , is that not better for everyone?
Carrying the guilt is something she will always do.

You’re just as bad as the OP. It hurt to find out my ex (also father of our toddler) cheated on me, but I’m glad I found out. I deserved honesty as does OP’s poor husband.

MadFroggy · 23/09/2026 08:02

PrincessFiona133 · 22/09/2026 21:41

I'm worried about having to explain my cheating past if I ever get into a new relationship. That's why I tgaught about leaving without telling.

The lack of accountability on your part is what's jumping out at me here.
Plus the fact you're already mentioning future relationships shows you have absolutely no respect for your poor husband whatsoever.

If you wanted to work on your marriage, he would be the only one on your mind.

See a therapist and be honest with your husband.

Iceandfire92 · 23/09/2026 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The holier than thous are out in full force yet again.

Embarrassed Shame GIF
MadFroggy · 23/09/2026 08:05

Canitrustagain · 23/09/2026 07:53

Tell him! He deserves to know so he can choose to divorce you and he might’ve also caught STIs from you. There’s no excuse for cheating. If you weren’t happy with him over 2 years ago then you should’ve separated before having an affair. Being cheated on whilst also having a child together is shit. My ex didn’t tell me. I found out because OW told me.

Agreed.

I actually could've handled the fact my ex cheated, if he'd owned up. But he didn't, so instead I found out in the most humiliating way AND also there was a long time-period where my (now ex) could've been giving me an STI and I was totally oblivious.

It was the lack of respect for MY well-being, sexual health and body that shocked me to my core. That bastard.

VibrantpurpleA · 23/09/2026 08:05

PrincessFiona133 · 22/09/2026 21:35

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

‘Faithfully told me’ made me laugh. Not sure either of you know the meaning.

FaceIt · 23/09/2026 08:13

If things are back on track with your DH why divorce him and blow up the lives of 3 DC’s??

Don’t tell your DH. In time your conscience will fade.

waterrat · 23/09/2026 08:14

I think you should be honest so your husband completely understands his own relationshp and is able to process and move on from what the reality of it was.

MadFroggy · 23/09/2026 08:14

The fact it wasn't even a 'few times thing' or a very short moment of madness....over TWO YEARS is abhorrent

Mumtotornadoes · 23/09/2026 08:16

If you were all in on fixing your marriage and carrying any guilt I'd say don't tell. But you only don't to tell because you don't want people to know and you're thinking of divorce just because. He deserves to know that if his marriage broke down it becausevyoy were fucking someone else for over 2 years. That's not a fling. Not a mistake. That's years of lies, deceit and frankly scummy behaviour. He deserves the closure

Ladyleisure · 23/09/2026 08:17

BronzedSun · 22/09/2026 21:57

Just wondering what the responses would be if it was a man posting that he had lied to his wife for more than two years, exposed her to STDs and wondered if it’s ok to let her continue in a relationship built on lies.

Exactly. The double standards on here never fail to amaze me.

MadFroggy · 23/09/2026 08:18

FaceIt · 23/09/2026 08:13

If things are back on track with your DH why divorce him and blow up the lives of 3 DC’s??

Don’t tell your DH. In time your conscience will fade.

And THIS right here shows the difference between people that have morals and integrity, and those that don't.

Because it's not about her!!
HE has a right to know who he is married to, so he can decide if he wants to stay.
Also he deserves protecting from STIs.

People can get over affairs, as a couple and with extensive therapy.
But living a lie and deceiving another adult is unbelievably cruel.

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 23/09/2026 08:21

My husband had an affair. Given the consequences for me, I'd rather he'd kept his mouth shut. And not screwed a woman so delusional that she told her husband who then tracked me down to tell me, so husband told me first.