27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

The good old Mumsnet bias. Man has cheated - ‘ you absolutely have to tell her, she has a right to know and to decide whether she wants to kick your sorry cheating ass out’. Woman had cheated - ‘nah, it’s fine, don’t say anything’.

The line is a dot to you

You should leave him because you don't love him.
You're already planning how you're going to explain cheating to your next boyfriend ffs!
Whether you tell him about the affair or not, doesn't really change anything.

Do you think you could actually keep it a secret indefinitely? I’m not sure that it’s that likely. I’m also not convinced that your marriage going through a good patch means it will work in the long run.

Think about the impact on your children whose lives you’re about to upend if you tell

You are coming across so selfish here! What about your poor husband who raised two of your kids??

You’re worried about yourself staying in the marriage and being found out and you’re worried about yourself leaving the marriage and having to admit to cheating and it affecting future dating prospects…..!

When are you going to stop and consider there’s a man and three children whose worlds are about to blow up behind your incredible self serving and selfish “dilemma” which is only focused on coming out of this as scot free as possible

I'd not tell and try and rekindle the marriage. If that doesn't work and you can't reconnect with him then I'd just leave the marriage. At least that will have the best chance for coparenting in future and your DC to have stable lives. That's all I'd focus on at this point.

New poll results!

1. Forgive as it is a woman - 100%
2. Castigate if it was a man posting this - Also 100%

Would your DH say that your marriage was absolutely shit too?

You have evidently checked out of this marriage already and I don't think that it will be salvageable in the long-term. This is exemplified by the duration of your affair and the ramifications of revealing this affair to your hypothetical future partner being at the forefront of your mind.

No judgement from me, but you do appear to be flogging a dead horse. Many would deem your actions completely despicable but you are human and what has been done cannot be undone. The guilt will end up eating you alive if you choose to stay quiet, but it is not healthy for you to be carrying that around for the rest of your life and taking this to your grave.

I feel that it is morally wrong to continue in this relationship while he continues to fund the existence of two children that are not his. This facade of a robust family unit will ultimately harm him and most importantly your children in the long-term. You should leave the marriage, but put the children's best interest at the forefront of your decision. I don't think you should reveal this affair to your husband if you choose to leave to minimise damage to everybody concerned. The best thing is to simply move on and work on yourself without any external validation from men.

I don't think you should do anything drastic, but to use Mumsnet terminology "get your ducks in a row". There are many things to consider in order to make this a measured exit with as much damage limitation as possible. Consider the age of your older children and the impact that this would have on them, your financial situation, support from others and ability to manage as a single parent. Most importantly, please speak to a therapist. Perhaps it is worth delving into your previous failed relationships as well as the affair and considering whether there any patterns in your behaviour and need for external validation.

She said 27 months? 2yrs and 3mths infact.

I think the person who took on your children, likely being the one caring for them whilst you was having an affair for the last 2 years and a bit deserves the truth and he deserves to be able to decide if he wants to work on the relationship or leave based on that truth. Yes you will have to explain to future partners but thats the consequences of your decisions.

Exactly my thoughts. I am so sorry for the guy....

I don’t really get your post- you are saying things are getting better so why do you want to end it?

your next posts sound like you have totally checked out already so confessing would basically throw a grenade in your marriage and likely ensure maximum hurt, pain and there is no way back - perhaps that is what you want?

have you actually put any effort into saving your marriage? What type of issues do you have with your DH?

I’m really surprised by the voting. Not telling your husband means taking away his choice. If you stay quiet then he has stayed in a relationship he might have chosen not to stay in.

If you leave him without telling him you had an affair then he will find it far harder to understand why the marriage has ended and won’t be able to process it properly.

The fact that you would do that to make it easier for YOU to have a future relationship simply highlights how selfish you are. You clearly don’t love or respect your husband to behave in this way. So try to think of him for once, tell him and let him find someone who does.

No. A lot of people are sending don’t tell him but end the relationship. Why humiliate him when there’s no need? Anyway the affair is a symptom of the fact she doesn’t love him. That’s why she should leave.

What’s dishonest is staying in the relationship without telling him which would be living a lie.

It’s not clear to me that giving him a reason she is leaving is more humiliating than leaving with ostensibly no reason.

But anyway, telling him and leaving isn’t one of the poll options, because it isn’t self-serving enough for the OP.

Having confessed an affair, I wouldn’t tell him OP. Whilst he appreciated knowing the truth, it has made co-parenting for the last few years absolutely awful and it would have been far better for the children if he hadn’t known.

I’m not going to comment on your unconscionable behaviour, you aren't worth my time.

For your poor husband’s sake though, you must know that this is nonsense:

Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own

I know of 4 or 5 affairs in the last 20 years which were accidentally discovered, someone seeing people who should be elsewhere in restaurants, coming out of hotels or just walking down streets with the wrong person. And that’s before you start on body language.

The affair couple in each case were entirely unaware they were being laughed at behind their backs.

You have no idea if someone else knows, who they have gossiped to and whether it might eventually make its way to your family.

Another one here who's bemused by a lot of these responses and thinks you have a moral obligation to tell your husband so he can make informed, consensual decisions about his own life and test himself for STDs.

All this 'telling him would only hurt him and alleviate your own guilt' is bollocks too. You can tell him (as he has the right to know, it's as simple as that) and still rightly carry the guilt of your own actions around with you. It's not either or. Of course, if your main concern is future boyfriends finding out you cheated and judging you for it, I fear any posts talking about your husband's rights may fall on deaf ears.

Wouldn't it have been far better for the children if you hadn't had an affair, causing the hurt and disruption that now impacts your co-parenting?

OP doesn't seem particularly concerned about her children anyway, she's mostly concerned about how future boyfriends will perceive her.

And it can remain latent for years and years, and then suddenly surface if someone falls out with someone, or a new person gets told, or someone gets cheated on themselves and suddenly feels differently about whether it should be kept secret, or any number of other things.

People who vote don't tell, I don't know how you can live with such a violation of trust on your conscience.

Cheating is a horribly selfish thing to do, but in some ways the dishonesty involved in keeping that secret is even worse. Being an adult involves taking responsibility for your actions and facing repercussions. It happened, so own up, deal with the aftermath, and move on with your life.

Put it this way, if it was the other way around, and you'd been the one who had been cheated on, you'd want to know and be the first to find out rather than it come out months or years down the line second-hand, wouldn't you?

She didn't think about the potential impact on the children's lives when she was having the affair though.....

Maybe I don’t get the whole voting thing… is it a poll the OP initiates?

if so, how bloody odd- you’re not voting on what colour dress you should buy

are you taking this seriously?