27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

There's no value in telling him, making him miserable and you feel guilty. Whatever you decide to do with your life I think you should just keep this episode in the past. I've been on both ends of the whole affair thing and it's toxic. Leave it buried x

Yes I agree. I was going to post a similar comment.

Divorce and don’t tell. You clearly don’t love or respect your DH so you may as well split now. I doubt you will be able to make it work after such a long affair anyway. But don’t tell him. He doesn’t deserve to be made to feel that shit, or to listen to your excuses about how it’s his fault really because the marriage was bad. Also what the hell will your DC think of you? And your family?

@DogCoparent - what was the pure chance that caused you to find out?

I swear, this place makes me want to never get into a relationship again.

Fucking horrible.

Op likely also promised to be faithful to her husband. Her words mean nothing.
tell your husband the truth so that he can make an informed decision, leave you, and find someone worthy of his time

My opinion is that by not telling him, you're lying by omission. Whatever has gone on in your marriage, he is under the impression you are faithful to him, you're not, so he’s with a version of you that is essentially a lie. It’s a house built on sand.

At least if you tell him and he chooses to work at thing, you know he’s working at things knowing the real version of you and making an informed choice.

Your moral compass is pretty skewed - having a two year affair, talking about future boyfriends when you haven’t ended this one yet. Which makes me wonder why suddenly you are all moral with wanting to confess because you don’t want to deceive him. It doesn’t align with your other behaviour. Sounds like you want to sabotage your marriage by confessing so that he’ll leave and you can move on to your next target.

I think you should get some counselling. You sound immature for a 40 year old.

You're not making sense, you say things are getting better and part of you wants to stay and make it work, so why don't you just try?
I don't see the point in telling him and hurting your whole family with it unless someone is going to out you. Your affair is over, put it behind you, give yourself some time to adapt and make things happy again, but if you can't make it work after a wee while then leave without telling him

Why on earth would you tell a new partner about this??

What we do to the people we ‘love’. Since having an affair is the epitome of having zero morality you just want advice on how you feel better or what makes you feel the least worse.

Think of everyone else (for once) first - kids and husband. Then do it again. And again. Then start to think of yourself in their shoes and what is best for them. Then do that.

God no. Why would you? Just don’t say anything, and continue to work on your marriage as it sounds like it’s worth fighting for. You’ve too much to lose x

Tell him. You are removing his agency to make a decision in the marriage after you cheated for more than 2 years. Absolutely disgusting. Are you just worried he won't pay for the children that aren't his?

Unless you changed a lot of details this is very identifiable to people who know you (length of relationship, ages of kids, how many yours, how many together) and you should ask to have it deleted.

I couldn’t care less what you do. You sound like a horrible human being to carry on an affair then be all ‘woe is me, what on earth should I do now’.

I detect zero remorse.

Why did AP end it?

he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell

Hmm, like he promised his wife he would forsake all others?

Not sure what you want. If you're going to stay as things are better and he won't find out, don't tell.
If you're going to leave anyway, don't tell, he'll be hurt enough.
No need to tell any future boyfriends any of this stuff.
But maybe don't bother with more men. You seem to get bored with them quickly.

Your DH deserves the truth and autonomy over his own life choices.

You cheated on a man for that long but expected him to bring up your children. Can you not see how awful that is?

I think you are done. The details are not that relevant now.
leave him - be free. Start again. Own what happened. Go well.

You cheated for nearly 2 years.
Again, you cheated for nearly 2 years.
What does that entail. 2 years of dishonest actions to everyone in your life.
You want to absolve yourself. Feck off, cheater.

For anyone to give a helpful and honest opinion, I think you need to be honest about your feelings for the (ex) AP. Because, reading between the lines, I suspect there are still feelings. It’s there in the ease and flippancy of ‘I think I’ll just end the marriage.’ Thus liberating you to be with the ex AP, if you so choose.

What do you mean you can't look at things the same way now? What about your children ?

So you not only were content to betray your husband for over 2 years.
Then you'd be content to not tell him the truth about why you were leaving
Partially so you can hide things from a prospective new partner.

Honesty isn't something you hold in high regard is it?