27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

Your husband will need STD tests, and he can't consent to the relationship if being deceived.
If it's shit, divorce, but let him know he's at risk of STDs

Having a two year affair is very different to a ONS or some other kind of situational stress related cheating. I could kind of understand one off NSA sex if you were in a sexless marriage but two years?? That's a parallel relationship which really takes alot of compartmentalization to maintain. It also possibly contributed to the breakdown of another family. I think you know this. I don't think you should tell because what is done is done. But I do think you should probably leave him because you don't love him if you did that for so long .

Your marriage must be dog shit if you started an affair 3 years ago because of how bad it was, then actively cheated for over two years. A marriage that bad can't magically turn into a good marriage, especially if one person is lying every day of their lives. It can only ever be a barely tolerable marriage at best. The brave and adult thing would have been to divorce 3 years ago when your head was turned but the next best thing is to divorce now.

You are not sure about telling your husband that you have been cheating for over two years, because you are worried how that may affect future relationship?

Lovely.

Thank fuck, for once a cheating woman gets the replies she deserves instead of the idiotic 'we love all women regardless of what they do' brigade!
Tell your husband then he should be able to take more in the divorce as he deserves and he can hopefully find someone with some decency.

It may have improved between you bc your husband is also having an affair now, which is making him happy and distracting him from problems so he is easier to live with at home, have you ever considered that? If you found out he was having an affair how would you react if he promised to end it? He’d be in the same position you’re in - altho you admitted your affair ended bc he moved job so you didn’t actively end it.

Leaving an improved marriage and not telling him bc you’re scared of facing the consequences (let’s be honest, it’s that more than hurting your husband) is fucking cowardly and will be as bad as you telling him about the affair. What’s he meant to think? It would seemingly come out of nowhere and wouldn’t make sense so he’d be tearing himself apart wondering why it happened and what he’d done wrong. Also you contemplating this bc it may affect your future dating life is so shit.

If it was me, I wouldn’t tell, it’s my guilt to hold. If you want to work at the marriage, do that - you have kids for one thing, surely it’s worth a shot. Maybe individual counselling too to unpick how you cheated in the first place.

I think you only have 2 options:

• Tell and end it
• Don't tell and stay

Not telling him and ending the marriage will be heartbreaking and incredibly confusing, if things are getting better. The only person that will help is you because none of the wider family will find out, including your kids. It's a coward's way out.
OR
Stay and don't say anything. There are good reasons for not saying anything if you want to preserve things and really work on your marriage.

If the affair is over I would not tell him. You would be doing so to clear your own conscience, i.e. for your benefit not his. You risked everything for this affair. I understand that life can be messy, but I cannot defend what you have done and you need to do better going forward. Have you had an STD check to ensure there is no risk that you have past something to your DH? What happens if your former lover comes back looking for another session for old times sake? Are you sure you would say no?

Wow.
Just wow.
The lack of morals.. Respect..
Etc.

You know it's right to tell the truth but that doesn't benefit you and cheats only think of one person.

I won't give this any more of my time. I have zero respect for cheaters they deserve all they get.

Stay in the marriage if things are improving. Do not confess the affair just move on.

April just gone? Did you write this three months ago??

You don't sound at all committed to your marriage and it might be interesting to hear what you think about your children's responses were you to split. What were you unhappy about when you started the affair? What's improved now?

If you're 100% sure DH never suspected, don't tell him. But if he had doubts, wondered where you were at times or anything like that, do. Not for your own sake but because living with unanswered questions is excruciating.

You're ultimately going to be the one who has to live with the consequences - confessing about it isn't going to take that away, and your DH isn't going to forgive you.

I'd keep quiet and carry on.

Everyone deserves to know the truth about the life they’re living and the relationship they’re in. To not tell him is stopping him from making an informed decision about what he does with his whole life. To deny him that and make his whole life be based on a lie is one of the worst things you can do to someone in my opinion.

You lied and cheated for 2 years. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that. Awful behaviour.

“recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.”

OP, why on earth would you tell your DH if things between you are getting better? You had a previous relationship, so you know the wrench and upheaval of tearing everything up, and don’t underestimate the effect it would have on your DC, either. It’s actually much harder not to tell, because you have to live with it on your own - as you say, though, “Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.”. And it would. I’m not sure why you would want to destroy everything you have when it’s improving and the affair is over. Relationships are difficult, OP, and you’ve been with your DH for 15 years. The thing you will never replace is your shared past, and for your DC, their father. It’s a lot to lose without a really solid reason for moving on. Do you really want the trauma and upheaval of shared custody, selling the house etc etc? Take a long hard look at what you’ve got, and really think about whether it’s worth destroying what you have over an affair that’s now finished and done.

You would be better off not saying anything. If you do you will open up a hornet's nest and cause no end of issues.
Think of the effect on the children if you open up.

How do your kids feel about all this? Or do they just have to put up with you repeatedly breaking up their families?

Haven’t read full thread …. But I’ve read some of the replies.. if this was a man posting this why do I somehow think the replies would be much more negative? No matter male or female your a POS for cheating , if your unhappy no matter what leave I don’t understand why anybody would stay with their partner if your cheating when it’s your own free will to leave ? Even if some circumstances make it hard to leave there’s DV charities , police etc. not saying this was the case with OP but cheating is disgusting

Have you had any marriage counseling???
I think you owe your husband and kids that to be honest. Your husband sounds like he has been a good partner to you; Imare you someone who seeks the thrilling things in life; do you understand that a marriage isn’t always that? You need to consider what the actual problem is that led you to look elsewhere; and you need to work on that.

I don’t think I would tell him, but I would attend counseling and do my best to improve the marriage before making any other decisions. I think you owe him that and also your kids. Consider yourself a team player in your family and that it’s up to you to make choices that support everyone’s well being for the long term.

I have to say you think no one knows. In our office there are currently two lots of people having affairs thinking no one knows but in actual fact most people know so it could easily get back to him. He deserves to know before he hears it from elsewhere.

Having found out my husband was having a 2 year affair last year I would say tell him. We have both been in individual therapy to process what happened and have just started EFT couples therapy and it has been life changing. We had both ran from / ignored issues. His affair type was found by his counsellor to be addictive / escapism. I e have uncovered neurodiversity, attachment styles and all kinds of things. I never expected we would be able to come back from the affair. When we agreed to look at if we could in my mind I thought we have to be better afterwards otherwise all this pain has been for nothing. After the individual counselling the plan was always to look at relationship counselling for recovery or to help amicably separate.
This has not been a cheap or easy process but then neither was the option of divorce. I never expected either of us to ever have therapy but honestly it has been life changing please do consider it even if just for yourself initially to discuss disclosure.

If you want to keep working on your marriage, then keep working on it and don't say anything.

If you don't want to keep working on your marriage, then tell him and end things.

Focus on resolving the now rather than thinking about the whatifs in the future.

Any partner in the dark deserves to know their spouse/SO is a lying, cheating, sack of shit.

An affair is a form of abuse, because it removes their agency of being fully informed and puts their sexual health at risk.