27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

I know. It's like a parallel universe isn't it?

OP is more bothered about what future boyfriends think of her cheating, lying past than she is the man she actually did this to.

OP end your marriage, whatever your marriage was like before, your husband deserves better.

But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work

why have things changed? in what way?

why can't you look at things the same way anymore? in what way can't you put the affair behind you?

I'm not defending OP here. All the comments about double standards, etc, are working to a false premise. Betrayed wives come here when they've discovered an affair or are in the process of discovering it.

Absolutely no-one tells an OP who's happy - or content - in their marriage to leave because their spouse is a cheat! Why would they?

If a cheat's partner is cocooned in blissful ignorance (and many are, we just don't know how many) then let them stay that way.

I have been cheated on. As I see it you have two options: end the marriage and not tell him or tell him and give your DH the choice of wanting to stay married despite your affair.

You see, your life decision is based on whether you wish to tell your DH or not. Your relationship has changed and so it can’t ever go back to being what it was so you have to make this decision. I found out four years later and I felt all the years of marriage since his affair started was a lie, it broke me, the realising of living blissfully in a lie broke my sense of reality. I left. You don’t want that for anyone. You will be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life wondering if he’ll ever find out. That’s not life for either of you.

If you want to divorce, at least you should confess.

If you want to make your marriage work, then maybe don’t tell.

for a man to raise your children as his own, I don’t think he could be much of the reason why you feel your marriage was shit.

Do not find excuses for cheating to ease your shame and guilt. It won’t be good for you and only cloud your judgement.

your marriage can’t be good for the last 27 months because of your affair. Your marriage will be affected the months leading to the affair when you were flirting with others too.

so you probably already forgotten the good times.

What stands out to me op, if that it is ALL about you. How you feel, what you want, your desire to deceive potential future partners as well as your current husband. No comments at all on how any of this might affect any of the people you are in a relationship with, including your own children? No awareness at all that perhaps your marriage was shit BECAUSE you were having an affair? Or that everyone who has an affair claims to have a “shit” marriage but many, on reflection, discover it wasn’t the marriage at all that was shit, it was them.
If I were you, I’d book in with a decent therapist to address your own behavioural issues before I did anything else.

Have you promised the AP secrecy and that you’ll never tell anyone, too?

As someone who has been cheated on, I know first hand the devastation it creates and I abhor cheats.

It destroyed my self esteem and my peace of mind but I would still rather know so I didn't waste my precious life with someone who wasn't who I thought they were.
If OP didn't want to create that devastation in her life then she should have thought about that before she spent 2 YEARS under another man, whilst lying to her husband's face.

He deserves to mend and move on and spend his life with someone who doesn't treat him like that, don't you think?

And we don't know what OPs husband has been thinking the past 2 years, he could have been turning himself inside out for all we know, all she seems to give a shit about is her own selfish ends.

How is it blissful ignorance if you sleep every night next to someone who has lied to you and put your health at risk for 2 years?

It's just delusion.

Don't tell. Carry on as normal if you think the relationship have a future and see how it goes. You can always end things with him if you want to and you don't need to bring up the past affair as a cause. People get divorced for multiple reasons, not loving each other anymore included, bringing up something that's long gone and in the past just doesn't make sense. Unless you want to yourself, of course.

I agree. Been there. Twice. But I was being misled, lied to, called paranoid and possessive and so on.

I said I'm not defending OP. She seems a little odd from her posts. I hope she'll come back and engage with the follow-up questions.

I'm also saying logic dictates that many people cheat and give their partners no clue, not even a tiny one. I suspect women are better at this than men, in general, but of course there's no direct evidence.

This.

I’m usually all for honesty in relationships but I don’t see how telling him now would help anyone after the fact. But staying in this relationship when you just don’t seem to be invested in it would be living a lie.

Yeah, that’s what I get from this. You’re a fundamentally dishonest and selfish person, OP.

No. Don’t tell him just to ease your conscience. It will destroy everything. Let it go and become a better, loving, respectful life partner. This was something you unwisely chose to do and you are the only one who should carry that burden. Especially as things are getting better. If you care about your husband and family at all, keep your mouth shut and do better. If you need to, tell a therapist. Maybe a clergy person. But do not wound your husband and family in this way.

You can do that. “Irreconcilable differences”, but there is zero need to put salt in wound. Anyway, didn’t you say things were getting better?

A year or so down the track AP will want you back/will be up for having some fun etc and you'll say no . . . Then all of a sudden the promise to stay silent is "accidentally" broken.
You need to tell your DH before he finds out down the track.

Oh wow how interesting this is on your mind, so you've lied to your DH for 2 years but wouldn't lie to a new partner, and also things can't be good if you're thinking about future relationships!

She wouldn’t. She’s worried that word would get around.

Tell him so he can make an informed decision. Your poor children though. I’ve been in their position and I value my Dad far more than I value my Mum. But I doubt you thought that far forward whilst you were cheating and lying.

Probably having an affair made your marriage shit, it can't have helped your affectionate contact levels or sexual relations. I am not surprised that things have improved since it ended.

Since you have a 9yo hold I would not tell and I would work to improve the relationship, if you feel guilt consider the effort you are making as atonement

You seem very selfish. I would seek therapy to see what character flaws you have that have caused the affair.

Sorry but I am quite shocked by some of the replies on this thread. She’s been shagging someone else for two years(!) and now wants to go back to playing happy families as it suits her.

How on earth do you ever have a proper relationship with someone when you’re hiding the fact you cheated on them for TWO years? Would posters here really prefer not to know their husband had been shagging around for two years and be in a relationship built entirely on false grounds?

I think it’s disgusting to carry on lying to this man. End it and don’t tell if you must but it’s reprehensible to carry on this lie while he’s unaware that he’s in a relationship that has been a sham.

You're contradicting yourself here...one sentence you're saying you want to stay married and then in another you're considering ending your marriage!

You need to decide if you still love your husband. If you do, is that enough for you to stay married to him for the next 20+ years? If not, then you need to end the marriage.

Have you thought about some therapy to help you work through your emotions? Sometimes talking through a situation with a stranger, who has no emotional connection to you, might help.

As for telling your husband. If you're planning on staying married, then in my opinion, No, you don't tell him. If you're planning on divorcing him, why hurt the poor bloke any further, by telling him that you had an affair. If he loves you, then you wanting a divorce, will be devastating enough, without throwing in an affair too. If you told him, he'd want to know who the AP is, and that starts opening up a whole can of worms, you don't want to open.

If you wanting to tell him, is because you feel guilty, then, that's not a reason to tell him. That's your guilt, not his. Telling him won't ease that guilt, it will probably make you feel even more guilty because of the fallout your confession will have on your husband and children. Seek some therapy, to talk it over, but ultimately it's something you may have to live with.

Don't be too sure, you were both so discreet that your work colleagues weren't aware of the affair. In my experience, it's usually glaringly obvious, when two people are having an affair, especially working in an office environment. Most people conducting an affair, are never as discreet as they believe!

And I am also shocked at the double standards. Frequently on here, posters are told to leave their husbands over far less advanced affairs than this. But this woman has spent two years cheating on her husband and apparently it’s okay just to move on like nothing happened and he will never know he’s been potentially exposed to STDs and his entire relationship and future is built on a lie.

Gross.

I guess cheating is totally fine if the other person just doesn’t find out.

Talk to a counsellor.
It should help you find a way forward.

You're very muddled, to ing and fro ing between making your marriage work and walking away.

Relate does remote /phone counselling or find a BACP counsellor from their online directory.