27-month affair ended April just gone. Things are finally getting better with DH—do I confess or just end it?

[PrincessFiona133]

I am posting here because I don't know who else to turn to and I need some brutal honesty.

I am in my early 40s. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids altogether—2 from my previous relationship who he has raised as his own, and 1 together. Our youngest is 9.

I had a 27-month-long affair that finally, completely ended in April just gone. My husband has absolutely no idea it ever happened. The ex-AP used to work at the same place as me, but he has since changed jobs. None of our work colleagues ever found out because we were incredibly discreet. On top of that, I am actively looking to change jobs myself anyway, so there will be zero connection left.

The ex-AP actually split up with his own wife around the time our affair ended and is currently single, but he has promised me faithfully that he will never tell anyone. Absolutely no one else knows, we have zero mutual connections now, and there is 100% no way my husband could ever find out on his own.

Our marriage was absolute shit for a very long time, which is how I ended up in the affair in the first place. But recently, things have actually been getting much better between me and my husband, and part of me knows that I want to stay and make this work.

Part of me thinks confessing now, just as things are finally improving, will completely destroy him and tear our family apart for no real reason.

But if I can't look at things the same way anymore, should I just end the marriage quietly without ever telling him why?

an affair lasting over 2 years and people are saying not to tell your husband, wtf is wrong with you people?! I hope you didn't give your husband any diseases. He deserves to try and find a partner who won't treat like some sort of fool like you have

Says a lot about those giving that advise.

What does it say?

The affair is over. The time to reveal was when it was ongoing.

If OP is ready to make a go of it now in her marriage, she will feel guilty forever, but that is her cross to bear.

@PrincessFiona133 Please tell your husband the truth. It’s not fair to stay otherwise and it’s unfair to just walk away without a real honest conversation about why.

I agree. I’m glad I’m not the only one. The percentage of people saying do not tell is baffling to me. How can you justify letting someone live a lie. My worse nightmare

Do not confess

I think you need to do the decent thing and if you won’t tell your husband, then divorce him. I really hope you weren’t having unprotected sex with the ‘AP’, it’s bad enough to cheat, let alone pass an STD on.

The time to reveal was when it was ongoing.

Why would you reveal it when it was ongoing, rather than just stop it?

And feeling guilty is going to colour the marriage for ever. OP says she would be prepared to end the marriage without confessing to avoid having to disclose an affair to a future partner, so why can’t she confess and see whether her DH is prepared to try to save the relationship ? OP says the marriage has improved in the last few months - I’d say that’s because she’s no longer having an affair and is giving more of herself to the relationship. She owes it to her DH to confess if the marriage is to continue on an honest footing.

I don’t think diseases are the problem. A two year affair suggests an emotional connection and that’s the biggest betrayal of all. A one night stand is a physical connection - emotional takes time and involvement. That’s the real infidelity.

Guilty?
Sounds more concerned about what their next love interest will think if they find out that she was a cheater during her marriage.

Not the only problem no but one of many in this scenario.

Your husband deserves better. Do him a favour and leave
Let him meet someone who isnt awful

Which is entirely your fault.

This is why cheaters shouldn't cheat.. because it destroys EVERYTHING and everyone that loves that person.
It is beyond selfish to just blindly follow your impulses and not accept that you're gonna hurt a lot of people.

You swapped vows, they meant something to your husband, he took on your children as his own, how do you repay him, by having an affair. He is now caught up in something that he doesn't know about, and all you care about is how to explain your infidelity to your next partner. You're a real catch aren't you.

Just for once do the right thing and confess everything to your poor husband, then at least he can really see who he's married to, not the fake person who he thought he was marrying.

If your genuinely unhappy end the marriage but honestly I wouldn’t mention the affair. It will only hurt your DH and leave him with more questions than answers

This. Are you hoping to go back to the AP

OP, the way you’ve been presenting things, it seems that whether things are getting better with your husband or not, you are emotionally long gone. Like someone who’s given two weeks notice at work and for those two weeks is clearly uninvested and making no effort.