AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

Why don't you propose to him?
As in a big fancy "event" proposal if that's what you want.
Or just say "when are we getting married then? Shall we go to the registrar office and get the licences?

This. Don't sit around waiting.

You don't sound as though you really want to marry him. Or rather you want the fancy instagrammable wedding but haven't really thought about what being married to him would be like. If you did you would do the asking. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

OP you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Calm
down.

If it’s that much of a deal breaker then leave him. You don’t need to announce that you will never marry him if he doesn’t do it by a certain date.

Do you want to spend your life with him?

If the answer is yes and being married is important to you. Tell him that. Tell
him that you want to spend your life with him and you’d like to start planning a wedding.

If he says no and doesn’t want to marry you then decide if it’s a deal breaker or not.

Talk about it like adults rather than a child stamping your foot because other people have got engaged before you have.

I asked my husband to marry me. We have been married 26 years. Ask him this weekend. If he says no, that's your answer.

Stop letting him have control over the timeline. Tell him you would like to be married next summer and would he like to sit down together to choose a date and look at venues.

@gingerandpeppermint Sounds to me like you just want a wedding, and that your are embaressed to not be engaged or married, like its all for social status and attention.

Read your 1st paragraph again, out loud, how you feel about this man, how wonderful he is, the qualities he has, you love him.....you are chucking all this away then?! Does that not count for anything?

And you are putting all this pressure on him, basically asking him to ask you to marry him? It means nothing now because youve put a timeline on it 🤷‍♀️

What if he said he never wants to get married? Some people believe marriage is just a piece of paper.....marriage doesnt mean you'll stay together forever children or no children.....take that from me as someone who did everything on the expected timeline.....divorce still happens!

My DP sounds a lot like yours. Ive never loved anyone like i do him, and he loves me in a different way than ive ever experienced too....he doesnt believe in marriage as important, he just believes in choosing me every day....which he does and I feel it every day.......
I couldn't give a monkies about getting married again....the last one didnt mean anything when shit hit the fan, the wedding was big and expensive... the divorce more so!!!

Basically just trying to give you some perspective.....

This sounds like a situation entirely of your own making. You’ve imagined a scenario that hasn’t happened. Why not take control?

See how this weekend goes once you have the nails and everything done and if after all that he doesn't propose then either you propose to him or decide whether you really want to be with him any longer.

@gingerandpeppermint
You’re 33… are you really in perimenopause? If so and you want children - you need to crack on TTC. If you want to be married before being a mum (which is fair enough), that’s an important conversation you need to have with your DP.

If it’s just that you want a cool wedding while you’re still young, that’s up to you, but you also need to tell your DP this as well.

It sounds like you have very poor communication as a couple. You make him sound perfect but he isn’t meeting your needs … you need to talk together as adults rather than playing make believe about the future.

Ive told my other half I won't wait forever.
I won't finish with him, but my retirement will be more comfortable than his.
If we aren't a team, then I must look out for myself.

I lost a partner young and know first hand how difficult it is when one of you dies and you are unmarried. I'm happy with a registry office and nice meal afterwards

I get your sadness, it feels like you're a placeholder, even if you're not.

Since you want to get married and then have children, be sure to make a decision early enough to start again with a different partner if necessary. Your BF does not seem keen to get married in the near future.
If he does propose soon, don't be fobbed off with an engagement ring plus an indefinite delay. Get on with fixing the date.
There's no point in deciding you will never marry him BTW, only in deciding that you will leave him and look for someone else. It's sad but important to face the reality - as you are doing.

You start off with ‘this is the happiest I’ve ever been’ then proceed to write paragraphs which say the opposite.

It’s a big imaginary scenario, as is the happiness. He isn’t making you happy at all, you sound miserable and desperate for some sort of validation.

FWIW I don’t really ‘get’ the whole proposal thing. DH and I talked about marriage, decided we wanted to do it and then arranged it. You are making yourself desperate and sad by waiting around for something that ultimately isn’t important.

Being married, if that’s what you want, is important. Being proposed to is not.

If you're "in peri" at 33, you have bigger problems than the lack of a white dress and a big party. If you want to have children and you've had tests confirming imminent menopause (I assume), you need to have a serious conversation about getting pregnant soon.

What does this mean?
That you will end the relationship?
Just end it now if so.
Such a daft ultimatum.
"Engaged" means nothing really if you have not booked a wedding ceremony.

have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him

P.s. you can get married easily at registry office but clearly you want a big white wedding? Why? What motivates you? The man you say you love or your love of a big wedding? Try to understand what you really want.

You need to agree your priorities. Sounds like his is kids and yours is a wedding? I met my husband when I was older than you so we agreed kids first then wedding. You don’t need a big fancy proposal or wedding, but you do need to agree, and agree timelines too.

It only takes reading threads on here to realise that having children with someone you're not married is a legal minefield. If you want a family OP and he's not committing, then you run the very big risk of ending up single and childless. However, if you're not sure about kids then being in a relationship with someone decent could be enough.

I think you need to be really honest about how you're feeling, but 4 years in without a proposal would signify he's not into marriage to me.

Well it definately sounds to be as if he is going to propose this week-end! but if he doesn't, why not propose to him?

I made it clear to my then-boyfriend that I would not be just a girlfriend, I wanted marriage, and if he didn't that's absolutely fine, we can pull out of the house purchase.
I would definitely not be sharing bank accounts or mortgages with some man without a legal document-marriage.

Take control of your life and future, don't wait around for a boyfriend to decide for you.

Appreciate the replies - will read through shortly.

Just as I posted this, one of my girlfriends (who my boyfriend has known for 12yrs) asked if I want to get my nails done conveniently the morning of the anniversary. Im getting nervous

I’d feel the same as you. I think he’s wasting your time.

You’re both grown ups and obviously discussed marriage - I’d just sit him down and say “I want to get married next summer, can we get it booked in please?”. Then you will have your answer. If you’re both talking as if you’re going to get married then my honest opinion is you’re engaged now anyway.

I’ve never really seen the point in hanging around for some sort of official proposal. When my now-husband started dropping hints that he was going to propose soon, I got a bit fed up - it just felt like unnecessary theatrics at that point. We were really quite young, but had already discussed that we wanted to spend our lives together. He was then dropping very obvious hints that a proposal was coming, and I was indicating that I’d be agreeable to this. So eventually I just said that, by virtue of the fact that we’d both clearly agreed multiple times that we wanted to get married, we are in fact already engaged to be wed, and so he may as well just give me the ring now and we can get it booked in. So that’s what he did! I think many people end up doing this these days - I feel like seeing a proposal as some sort of important milestone event that needs to occur is a bit pointless in the context of a modern, cohabiting long-term committed relationship where you’re already building a life together.

It made much more sense in our grandparents’ days, where they would be living apart and “courting” until they got married - in that case, the proposal itself actually meant something definitive and signified a change in circumstances!

What do you want? Do you want to get married or have the fancy engagement and wedding. I knew DH would hate a big wedding, so off we popped on USA holiday, county court 5 minute wedding, no fuss, no guests. You propose, answer will decide what next.

I was with my ex for 6 years. I loved him a lot we got on great until we didn't.

I went to weddings a lot over the years and waited patiently to be the one. He announced one day that he didn't believe in marriage in front of all our friends.

I was devastated and embarrassed and tbh that was the beginning of the end.

We broke up and surprise surprise he's now married.

Just to say, be very careful having children outside of marriage you could find you sacrifice your career with no safety net.

If it's that important to you ask him and if he says no, dust yourself down, head up and move on.

I just want to offer you some advice / persepective.

I am 37 - married for 3 years, been with my husband for 12 years.
He waited 10 years to propose, and I, like you, had given up all hope.

You are four years in, and very much still in the honeymoon phase by the sounds of it. You don't really argue - this could be a bonus, OR you could acutally suck at communication and are both keeping the peace, so to speak.

When my husband finally proposed it was the most wonderful year planning our tiny, romantic, non-expensive wedding. It was so romantic and we both had the most wonderful day with our close friends and family.

For years I was desperate to get married, like you. But in those 10 years we bought our house, got a dog, and set up a business - It turns out my husband didn't propose because he simply wasnt ready. We couldn't afford a wedding for years, and when we fianlly could, he asked me. He also thought it more important to buy our house, before getting married.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper chat about it, and stop being passive agressive with him. He simply might not be ready, he might be worried about the type of wedding you want, and how to pay for it. He might not be able to affort an engagement ring atm.

FWIW our wedding cost around £6000 - but I know people spend way more than that these days for the 'gram' - for me, I just wanted to be married to my husband, I wasn;t all that fussed about the actual wedding!

It does seem an awful lot of drama and much more about the proposal than the actual marriage.

I'm not convinced by those saying ask yourself. He knows OP wants to marry, if he wanted to marry he would have asked, in gact eh's told her he's not ready. It's amazing how many men are happy to have all the benefits of marriage without any of the (financial?) commitment, and then are quick to marry someone else once the relationship ends.

I'd make it very very clear there will be no children without marriage. If that's something you see in your future you have some big decisions to make quite soon. I.e. if DC aren't going to be with him you don't have loads of time.