AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

It was nearly 9 years before DH and I were engaged. We lived together, moved to different parts of the country together etc and I had no doubt on commitment, but it took time for that step to fall into place. We've now been married 11, have DS(9) and together 21.
Don't be bloody absurd if it's generally good.

It looks like this weekend is make or break time. It also looks like you’ve had all the joy of getting engaged sucked out of you. Do you want to marry him? Will his timeline/ opinion on how/ when things are done rule you for rest of your married life? Can you see yourself in an equal partnership with him?

Not sure he has - his friends seem to think he's working to a timetable he's failed to share with OP.

He seems to not be saying no as not yet - and we can have kids first and buy a house - which doesn't suit the OP and frankly I'd be a bit wary of doing pre marriage though many do.

That is odd advice.
I know many couples who have bought a house together, unmarried. They have a legal agreement where they ring fence their own financial input and get the same back if they split up.

You're being ridiculous

Why would a nail appointment make you nervous?

This is perfect!

Do you want to get married? No need for a proposal. Sit down together and discuss it, really calmly and clearly.
If he really doesn't want to get married, he should tell you.
Stop being so passive, it's not the 1950s. You have choices.

Yes. That was a big finish to your post.
He doesn't want to marry me.. and then what looks like some suggestions he's made the sounds like he does.

You've mentioned a lot of good qualities about him. You need to talk to him. Does he feel those about you?

It sound like you feel very let down that he's withholding on this point. I think you need to find out why.. why does he say "I'm not ready for that?"
Is he just against marriage in general.. or he's been to too many expensive weddings and stags and sees it as a waste of money. You don't know. It's important that you know.
So you have to get him to talk about it. It may not be romantic, but its important that you ahve the full information so that you can make your decisions on the basis of fact, not doubt.

"I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only." I think that was a very good thing to point out to him. This issue is a big dissatisfaction for you.. so its no good him announcing that he's satisfied so you just have to put up with it. You don't have to put up with it... and he needs to be honest about what he wants and doesn't want, not just kicking the can down the road. If you want children, that's another discussion.

It sounds like you are well able to express yourself (better than him by the sounds of it) . I would take the plunge and have a good discussion with him about it. Although some people when suddenly confronted by big life discussions can be taken aback and not know what to say exactly, so it's worth giving them a chance to think about what they really want and if your future plans match.
Good luck!

I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary....

I don't mean to be rude OP, but no one gives a stuff if it's your 4 year anniversary or not, and it's not obligatory to "announce" it. Stop comparing yourself to others and worrying about what they think or what your social media content is going to be. You don't have to have a massive wedding either.

I'm assuming the references to getting nails done are around prepping photos with an engagement ring on for social media. Seriously, these are not the things that make a marriage a sucess or not. They don't matter.

What matters is do you want to be married? Do you feel ready? Do you want to be married to this man? Is it a deal breaker if you don't get married in X years? Not engaged, that's just a limbo status state. An expression of intent but not one that's binding or time limited. Actually married.

"announcing your 4yr anniversary"......WTF?? who are you announcing this to?
You just need to have a grown up conversation like 2 adults about if marriage is important to you. You've let him move in so if that isn't commitment enough you need to talk about it.

The other day there was a poster on here saying that when questioning her partner about the reasons for being together, the partner said 'it is convenient'. I am afraid he finds you convenient. He is looking for 'the one' in the meantime. I did not know it was possible, until it happened to quite a few of my friends. If you find the one, you nab them, just like at a car boot sale - because the world is like a car boot sale - you wander around thousands of quite nice but unnecessary to you things, until you find the one thing you want and you grab it - because you know that if you put it down for a minute, somebody else will snap it up. My df proposed to my dm on date number 3 and he was not romantic or emotional or anything, he said 'when I met her and we talked, I just knew that if I don't propose asap, then in a few months she will be engaged to somebody else'. He was so sure she was the most amazing person he was worried to loose her, really worried. My best friend was living with a guy, who she said was perfect, I don't remember how many years, but my friend said she was not bothered about the marriage until he proposed to someone else. You do what you need to do about it, but if somebody loves you, they will be scared to loose you and they will propose asap.

I know many couples who have bought a house together, unmarried. They have a legal agreement where they ring fence their own financial input and get the same back if they split up.

I think that advice was coming from idea that OP wants to be married and further entining lives without that makes it less likely to happen at all and harder to break up and move on to someone who might.

I wasn't having kids before marriage oreven trying before that - and while I know many who did and got married later or married while pg - it was my line in the sand.

We bought a house many years after marriage - as took that long to settle in careers and save deposit - and we had kids first and they needed stablity for school years- our parents thought house should have been before kids and possibly before marriage as sister did - she did house pg then they broke up and she been renting ever since - but we did it our way and it worked for us.

I think two things- one , that you’ve done really well laying down expectations and timelines. It’s unusual to come across these threads on mumsnet and have a poster who can articulate to her partner that he doesn’t get to decide all the timelines and she is a free woman to make her own choices.
the second- there’s this whole world of expectation and almost imaginary world of others opinions. You’re not wrong wanting to be married but you are wrong imagining announcing a 4y anniversary without an engagement is humiliating. Relationships come in all types and it is fine to want what you want and tell your partner that, but whatever you want the world is not judging and if they are who cares? Keep this about you. What others think is not a real thing.

I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.

I really try not to be unkind on MN, but honestly 'announcing' a four year anniversary, is pathetic, even if it was a wedding anniversary.

Who are you announcing to? Who do you think cares? I presume you mean one of those ridiculous SM posts where you tell "him" how lucky you are to have him.

Just don't do it and all your problems are solved!

You sound much younger than 33.

I was so determined to follow the traditional route of moving in together then marriage I pressured my now husband into it. Now we've been married 20 years I actually wish I hadn't been such a stickler for it. Nothing he said or did before or since made me think we wouldn't be together forever but I fixated on the marriage thing. Again I wish I hadn't.

I have quite a few unmarred couple families as friends and the fact they aren't married has no bearing on their happiness. I wish I didn't make my DH unhappy to make me happy. We're very happily married and it's never been an issue between us but my advice is not to put as much pressure, unhappiness or meaning into marriage as you are doing.

Be happy with your boyfriend. He'll stay because he wants to. Goodness knows there's enough cheating husbands on MN to know a ring and a piece of paper mean nothing to some men.

You mean everything to your boyfriend. Don't force him into something just because you think you should.

We were together 30 years before we got married. I don’t remember ever announcing an anniversary.
When we did finally decide to get married we did it very cheaply but it still felt so special.
I don’t understand why it has to be such a drama.

AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

How can you call off a marriage when it's not even been arranged?

I have never heard of anyone 'announcing' their 4 year relationship.

I've been married for years and we never 'announce ' any anniversaries. Just not into that type of thing. A card each, a nice meal at home, that's it.

I wonder if SM is at the root of this? Announcing an anniversary?
I think she wants to announce an engagement, together with pictures.

It was my line in the sand too.
We dated for 3 years and then we got married. DH already had a home of his own, so shortly after we got married we sold it and bought another, together.
Our first child was born 2 years after we married.

This, to the moon and back.

He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Your boyfriend asked you to get your hair and nails done before the date of your anniversary?

Goodness, this all sounds so pretentious.

And you think this means a proposal and no doubt photos and loads of stuff on SM? Is that it?

If a man told me to get my hair or nails done, he'd be an ex.

Are you both so concerned with appearances and being 'showy'? It sounds like it with the emphasis on 'big ' weddings and making a huge fuss over the fact you've been together for 4 years.

If he's not ready for marriage and you want commitment, move on. He's still just 31, That's young for a man. Most of my son's friends are only getting married now in their late 30s, having lived together for a few years.

Aside from this, your first post comes over like a slushy romantic novel. Did you use AI?

It's all about the image.

That's what I meant, yes.
No substance, just appearances for other people to see.

Yes, absolutely.