AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

I suspect you're right.

Hope all goes well!

Hi op, you shouldn't be embarrassed about him not proposing yet, I know of couples who have been together a long time before getting married. That and couples who have had long engagements. I think you should check in with him, if marriage is important to you, you need an answer. Is he committed etc. It's one thing to live and buy a house together, it's another to have children. Your body clock is ticking so that is a factor. It is tricky.

I felt quite differently. We hadn't lived together beforehand though. IDK if I'd have felt same as you if we had.

Do you blame her? Lots of pp have been horrible, accusing her of all sorts. She made clear in her OP how much she loves her boyfriend. She's 33 and wants to get on with getting married and then having a family, in that order, as millions and millions of women her age do. And she would like a wedding, the same as most people. Everything she wants is a natural and normal progression from being in a 4-year relationship with someone she loves. What she did to deserve such responses, I have no idea.

It's an important piece of paper to have if you're a woman who wants children, given that women's career and pension usually take the biggest hit. And who wants to have children with someone who won't commit to you, anyway. You may have FELT that it made no difference, but it's not true.

Yanbu to want him to propose! I really hope he does!

? All I said was, "I suspect you're right". No blame was ascribed.

Whatever you do, don't have kids before being married.

Then you'll never find the time/money to get married and never will. They'll always be something that means "next year...". Always next year.

Then if it all blows up, you'll really wish you had that pesky legal document of a marriage certificate.

You think it won't happen to you..... but.....

There are some young women who earn more than their partners and have more assets. (Family inheritances and higher earnings.)

They are disadvantaged by marriage as the spouse gets half of everything unless it's ring fenced in a pre-nup (and sometimes they aren't legally binding.)

I think far better advice is to ensure young women can support themselves, with or without a man.

It's not always the case now that the man is the provider and women lose out.

I have very mature friends in their 60s who have never married (and some have children) as it's not what they wanted. Others married very late for IHT reasons.

Agreed. I have earned far more than both my husbands. I was appalled to learn that, no only was my previously one entitled to half of our joint pensions, he was entitled to maintenance for two years so he didn’t experience a sudden drop in his standard of living. This, despite our children being independent adults and that part of the discrepancy in our incomes was due to me being ambitious, working hard to climb in my profession and him taking the view that he “can’t be bothered” to do that in his. Thankfully, he had too much dignity to apply for maintenance and me agreeing to take on a large loan of his, led to an agreement that he would leave my pension alone. I would be financially better off if I hadn’t married him.

Getting half your pension has got to hurt.

Not always.

this was the advice I was given. So I got married.

fortunately we are still together but if we did split he would probably get half my house, in my name, that I bought before marriage and have solely paid for. He could also come after my civil service pension, which is considerably larger than his self employed chuck some money at if he has any spare arrangement.

o/p hasn’t been back but I did point out earlier in the thread if he has moved into her house, marriage may actually disadvantage her financially.

personally I think unless a man earns enough to compensate a woman’s salary and pension (so can literally afford to pay her her wage and her pension contributions) then women should never become financially dependent on a man.

then separation would be easier all round and no one would need to get married to protect themselves from poverty.

Maybe in a parallel universe?! 😆

How old are you @shuggles ?

You seem to have forgotten that you too have power in the relationship. What I have taken from your post is that you have rigid expectations which you are not communicating to DP, and that you are really invested in the opinions of other people about your relationship. If you want wedding then children, you need to have that conversation, knowing you have the right to have it. Fundamentally, though, the question you most need to ask is is this the right relationship, as that fundamental thing, communication, seems to be poor.

I know a few couples who have multiple children, were expecting a proposal... and still not married. And another couple where guy proposed after 10 year engagement - but they were quite young.

I also witnessed some sad stories - long term relationship where guy would not proposed ending and him getting married literally within months to someone he only just met, and the woman being too old to find someone to have children with.

You need to work out what is it you want. And I would not have children unmarried unless you are well off financially. I would not wait and set up a deadline for him - and if it passes without a proposal I would leave as it would mean he does not see you as his life partner.

30s.

And you are a man

So if you do ever embark on a relationship, and it is with a woman in her 30s and she knew she wanted children… then perhaps she wouldn’t be too happy with your “6-8 years”

I'm too old to have children. Even if I started dating today, the long timeline for dating, relationship, etc. means that I would not be able to have a child.

You are a man @shuggles
in your 30s
What are you going on about? You aren’t “too old” to have children 😆

I’m confused, since when was OP a man?

In my opinion, I would be too old to have a child in my 40s and it is not something I would want to do.

Did you want children @shuggles ?

And if you loved a woman and after 4 years she said that she would love to marry and asked you to marry her - you’d say “no, too soon”? Because you think 6-8 years

@Roosthename Did you want children?

Not when I was younger. If I did want children in the future, I would not have any as I consider myself too old.

And if you loved a woman and after 4 years she said that she would love to marry and asked you to marry her - you’d say “no, too soon”? Because you think 6-8 years

Yes, 4 years is a very short time in relationship terms.