AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

Marriage is way more then an engagement or the wedding.

Unless you have a family history of early menopause then your unlikely to be peri at 33 too.

It sounds like your focusing on the wrong thing rather then having a discussion about do you both want the same future. If so then propose to him it's 2026 after all!
I think your friends are slightly unusual if they are getting engaged after 1 year as well.

This and this again.

If he said lets book the registry office and get married, just you and me, in a couple of weeks, would you be disappointed (be very honest with yourself).

Is it :

1. the commitment of someone you love and want in your life forever you are looking for, OR
2. the big diamond ring, big frock, big party and you (him tagging along) as the centre of attention that you are looking for.

Because your post indicates it's the second.

Why do you want to get married?

Is it for the wedding or for the legal/ financial contract before having kids, because ultimately this is what marriage is, not a party. If he wants kids before marriage, then you need to explain to him what your ground rules are - you will only take x months maternity, he needs to subsidise that maternity leave by £X amount, you will be returning to work full time and not sacrificing your career etc.

When does he actually want to try for kids? Is this a delaying tactic, does it therefore not align with your needs?

Are you both aligned on what you want for a wedding, size, cost

When you are calm and rationale you need to sit down and discuss the practicalities. Better to find out if he is capable of communicating and being financially transparent and fair now. Because otherwise these will be the reasons that you divorce (trust me!!).

Adding -

but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married.

Who are you "announcing" this to? Social media?

We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

If you want to be married before kids - and I did to - make sure that is on table as a deal breaker and if it's the marriage not the big white wedding wanted - then say that as well.

Apparently affording the engagment ring was delaying DH and I made it clear I didn't care that made propsal happen earlier than I expected and weddingw as samll and simple becasue we were paying and I wanted to have most of our saving go towards a house deposit.

Are you now thinking he's a bad prospect long term? - if so even if he suddenly decide to make an effort with house buying you do not have stop - or is it the embarrassment of feeling everyone judging you ?- as most will not be - or do you feel he's furture faking you and you are a place holder till something better comes along? - in which case ditch him and move on.

Getting engaged doesn’t have to be about him asking your father’s permission, surprising you, getting down on one knee with his grandmother’s ring and the whole nine yards. It doesn’t have to be a movie-style proposal nor a proposal at all. Agreeing to commit to each other for marriage can be rather functional. I know mine was essentially along the lines of ‘let’s go ring shopping, find one we like and then announce we’re engaged’. It doesn’t have to be Taylor and Travis Mrk II and designed to go viral.

I think you’ve got it in your head that it has to be traditional proposal to count, that is has to be from him and that it has to be done a certain way. Not at all. Many couples will get engaged in a variety of ways. Talk to him and say that you want to get engaged and get married. He’s been committed enough to move in with you and you clearly love each other. He may have his own thoughts on getting married and his own views on what he wants from it (I know some who wanted marriage without a big wedding so did the ceremony in front of almost nobody). Talk your feelings through and that will inform what you do next.

Very invested now!! Let us know how it goes!!!

We’d been together 7 years when we finally got engaged. We’ll have been together 28 years this year. Get a grip, don’t loose sight of the fact you have an amazing relationship, but make sure you’re married (with the kind of wedding you both want) before you have kids. Don’t just do what everyone one else does if it’s not what works for both of you! Oh and I was 32 when I got hitched. 35 when I had my first child. So you’ve got time.

Who would you be announcing your 4 year anniversary to? I don’t think anyone else would care.

It sounds as though there is a possibility that he may be planning something over the next couple of weeks. Sit tight, and see how things pan out.

If you are genuinely in perimenopause at such a young age, I presume you have had medical tests and advice? It may not be a question of whether or not you feel like having children over 35 - you might not be able to without medical intervention, and you should probably be planning for that now.

Give him a few weeks, as he’s been hinting. If nothing changes, be honest- you love him, you want marriage and a family with him, but if he is never going to commit then you don’t have the time to lose your childbearing years.

I was with DH 5 years before he proposed, 6 before we married but we’d talked a lot of things through well before then and he was very clear that
a) I wouldn’t have kids unless we were married
b) that I didn’t want to have kids after 35 (personal preference)
I wasn’t actually all that bothered about marriage (I saw the mortgage as a bigger commitment!) but wanted the legal protections of marriage before kids in case I ended up not going back to work/working in a reduced capacity.
I think wanting to be married before kids is totally reasonable and if you both want them then your age has to be a determining factor in the timeline for marriage etc.

I'd tell him that you've booked the registry office for a date two weeks away to give you time to invite family. Forget your instagrammable super-huge bollywood wedding and Mills and Boon down on knee proposal. If you want to marry this man, then arrange to do it. If he refuses, then he's not the Mr Perfect you've painted him to be. Or he is, and you just have to live with whatever degree of commitment he's willing to make.

Do you want to be married or do you just want the excitement and attention of an engagement and wedding?
My advice would be to drop the subject completely for the next few weeks, stop talking about children's name and all the first flush of romance twaddle, which should really be over by now anyway.
Concentrate on how you are together now and what your plans for the next 6 months or so are, but in a very dispassionate way.
Whatever you do, please do not get pregnant.
Actually, you might try going all traditional on him. Look for a house to buy, get married, think about children, in that order.
How are your jobs? Do you both know where you want to be jobwise in the next 12 to 24 months?
Clearly he is not ready to take the leap of faith, for whatever reason, so tone things down and see what happens?

Ditch the proposal, the engagement and the arguments. Sit him down and tell him that you want to be married by X date. Next year, the year after, whatever you want, forget his timeline, his parents, and what he said to his mates. Tell him that if this isn't what he wants that's fine, you want different things and you have to part ways. But you have to mean it. I don't understand why women wait around for someone else to decide their future with a 'romantic' proposal, its a bit pathetic tbh. Of course if he/you want to do the proposal thing do it, but decide when you want to marry, and stick with it.

Of my friendship group, the earliest someone got engaged was 9 years into their relationship. Most who met younger were 11 or 12 years in. Hope that context makes you feel a little better.

Are you pro wedding or pro getting married? I've always said if you want a wedding that's great but if you wouldn't settle for a registry office you don't deserve one nor are in the right frame of mind to get married.

I really didn't feel an ounce different once married. Less money maybe but it's made no odds to our life. I get its helpful upon death and that's the morbid reason we did it but otherwise I'd say if you dream of this fairytale feeling you'll be disappointed

"Nervous"? Why? Sounds to me like you don't want him to ask you at all.

But I cannot for the life of me fathom - every time (and it's quite often) we get one of these 'I want to get married and he won't propose' threads - why on earth you don't just say "Can we set a date to get married?" It sounds like you want drama and a wedding, rather than a marriage.

OP if you want to marry him ask him. But to be honest I don’t think you’re ready for marriage, given how focused you are on how things look or appear to others. I think you should spend time working on your self esteem and values. Marriage isn’t necessary or wise in most circumstances anyway.

Your timings sound almost identical to mine and my husband’s! We met when I was 29 and he was 27. I definitely remember feeling the anxiety of thinking he didn’t understand that I was older and if we wanted to be married before having children we’d need to get on with it etc. He always played it so cool whenever we talked about marriage - I knew he wanted us to get married but there didn’t seem to be any activity on his part to make it happen. Anyway, he eventually proposed on our 5 year anniversary - as much as I’d thought I wouldn’t be excited after that long, I was completely over the moon, and I genuinely didn’t care that I’d “waited” for so long. He had a timeline in his head he was following - he’d always wanted us to buy our house first (which we did) and then he wanted some time to save so that when we were engaged, we could afford to get married relatively quickly. We got married a year later, so I was 35. I then had our daughter when I was 36.
I do sometimes wish he’d shared his timeline with me beforehand, because it should have been our timeline rather than just his, but all that is so irrelevant now. I just want you to know that I remember that feeling of almost panic that it wouldn’t happen, and that all the ultimatums and belief that you’d say no if he waits too long won’t actually come to anything because if you’re anything like me, the love and excitement will completely erase all the negativity.

I think you’re allowing what others around you are doing to impact your thinking. If everything is as perfect as it sounds then by pushing him to propose you’re effectively spoiling it.

To say you’re already in peri is ott! I get you’ll not want to wait too late for children but you absolutely can have a baby at 35 - I speak from experience!

To have said to him if you don’t propose by x time I won’t marry you ever isn’t the greatest way of going about it because actually now, he’s probably proposing to keep you happy rather than him genuinely feeling it is the right time. Thats not to say you shouldn’t say anything about your future with him but there is a way of saying you want his commitment to a future together and to be married without giving him such a hard stop date.

It sounds like he is a very laid back person and so he might need more of a nudge to get him to understand how you feel and what you need from him in general, not just in regards to getting married but beyond. From your post it feels more like you’ve given him an almighty shove and chucked a bucket of cold water over him for good measure

I don’t think you’re wrong to worry about a long engagement and not getting married but I do feel you’re going in hard and you’re potentially going to cause some conflict and resentment from him doing it that way.

I hope he does propose and it is everything you want but try and focus less on what everyone is is doing and when as everyone is different, who is to say that your friends that are getting engaged and married are ready and have found the right person?

We got engaged just before our 5 year anniversary. Got married the following year & the next 2 years had our children.

If hes the one for you, then youll wait for him to be ready, not just you!

This has got to be the ultimate in cutting your nose off to spite your face.

You want to marry him so desperately that you threatened him with an ultimatum that you will never ever do so unless it's soon, therefore taking the very thing you want off the table.

I hope he responds to the ultimatum as anyone should, with non compliance. This is all very juvenile. And do you honestly want to be married to someone knowing that you had to twist their arm up their back to get them there? I can't imagine anything worse.

I asked him to marry me after 5 years. My husband is very laid back, relaxed and never rushes anything - he's always been like that.

We've now been married 8 years. He is still hopeless at big life decisions like when to have babies, when to move house, and has been in the same job 20 years haha. I'm glad I did it - don't let him go because of this x

If you have genuine concerns about peri (you’d be very young…)

I got engaged at 34, after a conversation about timescales re having kids. DH proposed on a nice walk but it wasn’t a surprise as such as we had agreed we wanted to be married and have a family.

Due to my age, and knowing we ideally wanted 2 children, we started ttc immediately after getting engaged. We wanted to have a “wedding,” (even though it wasn’t anything extravagant) so agreed to start planning but didn’t want to delay ttc as we didn’t know how long it would take to get pregnant. Booked our wedding when I was pregnant, got married when eldest was 9 months. Had my first at 36, 2nd at 39.

The big thing was I was really honest about what I wanted and timescales due to my age and concerns about fertility. I was happy to compromise on things like wedding dates etc but we both were sure of our plans and expectations.

OP, it sounds like you're giving too much brain space to the people that you think are judging your relationship and the pace you're moving at.

If you're happy, and he's all of the things you've ever wanted, why does it matter so much that it happens right now? I understand about having children, but is it more that you feel that it 'should' have happened by now and so somehow you're failing?

I don't want this to sound harsh, but relationships where one partner is under pressure to propose within a timeframe, rather than because they want nothing more than to commit to the person they love, don't always work out the best. My first wedding being one of them.

I hope the anniversary delivers what you hope for.

Are you really in peri? For most women peri doesn’t start until mid 40s. The fertility ‘cliff-edge’ of 35 is complete bollocks, bad science done with Victorian data, so don’t let it scare you.

Christ it's only been 4 years
Maybe if people were together longer before getting married the divorce rate in this country would be lower.
I really don't see the issue