AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

I got married at 40 (shock horror according to you!) having met my DH at 37. After a year together we had open and honest conversations with each other about our future and what we wanted before setting a timeframe. We both had fertility assessments so that when we started TTC we knew what we would be dealing with if any issues and not waste time. Had a baby at 41. All good!

You sound like you need to work on your communication to be honest, and this does not bode well for marriage and kids. Sitting around waiting, getting resentful and allowing friends’ opinions and social media to be the drivers behind your life decisions is not healthy.

I don’t understand, you want to marry him. But if he doesn’t want to marry just yet you want to stay with him but never get married? It doesn’t make sense and feels like you are just going to miss out on what you want out of spite

Very likely he will propose this weekend OP, based on the things he mentioned about going fancy and his friend suggesting getting your nails done etc.

He probably feels a little (time) pressure to do it now tb honest, based on what you posted. He likely doesn’t feel the same pull of urgency to marriage in the time frame window you do, but you made that clear that you are not happy with waiting longer. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though, just that left to his own devices it would have taken him longer to independently initiate.

If it makes you feel better my DH took an age to propose - 9 years! But we got together as teenagers and think had just acclimatised to being perpetual bf/ gf! 😂

He suggested getting hair and nails done- not his friend.

So al the easily reproductive years of yours were wasted? But the OP wants children - this is important to her.

Love, love, love stories like this!

I know, plus imagine waiting 10 years for a man to make the decision about your future.

He hasn't asked you to marry him because he doesn't want to marry you. It is as simple as that. He can say what he likes, actions speak louder than words.

Yes, I don't think that's a happy story either.

Precisely. Sod that.

So what's the (his?) idea about kids first?

That you'll then save for a mega wedding like everyone else?

He wants you to get hair & nails done for a meal out?

Would you usually?

It does all sound style over substance.

Sounds like youve got all the bases covered here for a perfect social media post......sorry i mean marriage....
Getting nails hair and makeup done, posh resteraunt....4 year anmiversary

Sounds like a bloody dream post......sorry partnership
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

You are going to destroy your own happiness with this attitude. If marriage is that important to you - propose yourself.

FFS, marriage isn't a prize given out by men to women they deem worthy.

If you can't have a proper, grown-up conversation about how you see your future and what matters to you (is it the proposal or the wedding or the marriage you want?) rather than silly remarks in response to what other people are doing (they are not you, they are not in this relationship, their relationship is nothing to do with you) and some imagined timeline of how long you should be together before doing x y and z....well, maybe you're not actually ready for marriage.

Your first sentence is spot on, but thats what it seems like nowadays. Why have we regressed?

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off

Well.... that's probably a bit true tbh.

I think there are two ways of looking at engagements. Some women are pragmatic. If they want to get married, they don't fuss about who asks or the glamorous "very white," as you put it, wedding.

On the other hand, some people want the fairy tale cliche of being proposed to and quite honestly, that loses all it's magic if you know deep down it's been done because of ultimatums "I'll never marry you if it's not by x date" etc. To me that all gets a bit like fishing for compliments: you might twist someone's arm someone to say you look lovely in the dress, but is it ever really the reinforcement you wanted if it is prompted by you?

I think you are flip-flopping between two approaches here op. You actually ARE pragmatic and want to drive the process, but you want it to look and feel as though he is, and I think you just have to be honest that isn't where this is at. He was being very honest the time he told you he wasn't ready - and honesty is valuable and shows respect.

I don't think the bit about not wanting a child after 35 is realistic. If it is important to you, you will. But don't force-ripen a relationship. Too many children come into the world to fit a timetable that in fact wasn't the right one.

ETA and forget what others around you are doing.

Well it definitely sounds like he’s intending to ask this weekend. I can’t speak for you or your boyfriend but a big elaborate wedding is not necessary just because of where you live or what others you know have done, so if that’s one of the things putting either of you off then just decide what you would genuinely be happy with and do that.

Good luck.

And on a separate note, I would try to relax a bit and talk about your feelings (his and yours) before just steaming in with ultimatums. It will help with married life.

This was a hard read. You sound like a child!

Are you definitely perimenopausal, have you been to your GP and had blood tests, gingerandpeppermint?

I've known many women who have thought they are because of changes in, or absence of, menstruation and it turns out they are not. Menstrual cycles can change for all sorts of reasons and anxiety can be a huge factor, it was with me. Sometimes just going to the doctor and expressing your concerns, having a blood tests, relieves anxiety and period arrives.

Others have suggested you propose to him. As you are keen on marriage, why not do that? It seems reasonable enough but do it when you are on your own. He obviously thinks a lot of you to be with you so long and living together. Some people are put off by the thought of a big fancy wedding, maybe he is.

Good luck, I hope it all turns out as you hope (but do see your doctor if you haven't already).

Chill a bit, it's not meant to be this hard or intense. Take a breath, get some perspective and be happy with yourself and what you have.

You sound very happy - other than for the need to tick a list of 'requirements' announcements, proposals, ultimatums, splashy weddings...
woah there cowgirl - these things are all so unimportant.

Is he a nice guy? Does he make you laugh? Does he look after you when you are vulnerable/ill? Do you share the same values?

Do you want to be married or do you want a proposal and fancy wedding? If its the former, be less passive. My now husband and I had talked about getting married. When I realised we had a free weekend, I suggested we went ring shopping. No drama, no instagram moment, just two adults moving forwards with their lives together. We got married 10 months later.

I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.

These really are pointless stresses OP.

Do you share a lot on SM? Because there is a lot in your post that suggests you spend a lot of energy (and experience a lot of anxiety) around the curating of your life and how it looks to others. I think it is a real issue for many these days, and not a recipe for happiness - or good life decisions for that matter.

This sounds really childish. And if your peri and definitely want children that would be my first concern not a piece of paper

why do these women wait around and get so stressed about the proposal ? @gingerandpeppermintmaybe he doesn’t want a big wedding ? Surely not everyone in your city does a huge white wedding ? Much better to put the money to a house deposit.
Just ask him if you’re going to get married and when.

One question- you say he moved out of his parents and in with you.

is the house rented? Because if you own it I would think very seriously whether marriage is the right step- should you split you may have to hand him half your house.

marriage is only good for the person with fewer assets or career potential.

oh and don’t blame or minimise your feelings with “hormones”. It’s how you feel, you have every right to speak up.