AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

Marriage is nothing to do with big weddings, anniversary announcements and engagement parties. I think you overly focused on the public the performance element of the relationship.

Take a step back. Do you want to spend your life with this person, do you trust him, do you want children with him? Are you able to have a sensible conversation with him to find out if he feels the same?

DH and I didn’t have a big wedding nor do we celebrate wedding anniversaries because that isn’t us (I guess we are well suited 😂). However, I absolutely did have a sensible conversation with him about what we both wanted and then we decided that marriage was right for us. That was over 25 years ago and we are still together- my wedding bouquet faded after a couple of weeks and I can’t remember the last time we looked at the photos - the wedding fades and it is the relationship that lasts.

I can understand you don’t want to leave it too late to have children but if you are in peri at 33 then you need to see your GP.

YABU. If you love him so much why would you put a deadline on marriage. I waited 9 years for my proposal and another 6 to actually get married then covid hit a cancelled the whole thing. By the time we had the proper wedding we had been together for 18 years. There may be a reason why he hasn't proposed. Does he feel ready,? Can you afford it? Does he even want to get married at all? You need to find out why he is stalling and if you are prepared to wait for him, if he is the one.

I would enjoy your anniversary weekend for what it is, it’s 4 wonderful years together.

Have a conversation about marriage next week, do it as a practical what wedding plans and costs might look like, be assumptive.

He wants children before marriage, it’s the main reason to marry.

Never care what other people do, it’s irrelevant what people in your city do.

He may propose at the weekend. If not you ask him to fix a date for marriage very soon. A Registry Office date and then a 'big wedding' if you want later.
If he says no or maybe in X years, after we've had children, a pay rise, more time to plan etc etc, then you know one thing for certain - he's not that into you.

Men who are in love with a woman are frightened she'll be snatched by another man. (He's not apparently?) They very much want to get married asap.
Men who procrastinate are still looking out for the one. They're happy to have some one to pass the time with, even have children with ( children they'll forget as quickly as they'll forget their previous partner btw) but they are not in love.

Is that enough for you?

Shamefully place marking to see if he proposes this weekend.

“Announcing your four year anniversary”

Why do you need to announce your anniversary?

Please ignore people telling you to propose to him. What absolute nonsense.

Have you had the conversation where you said you would like to marry him and he said no? If not have that coversation. If he says not now but later you can decide whether you are prepared to wait another year or so. If he says no then you can make a decision.

If you go ahead and have children without marrying him I GUARANTEE he will never marry you.

What's nonsense about it? Many of us didn't think we were in a fairy tale with a prince on one knee proposing to us but instead had a rational conversation about marriage with our adult partners. It doesn't make it any less exciting to marry the man you love if he didn't organise an insta photo shoot for the decision to do so.

Communicate. You need to find a moment where you're both calm and open and able to speak without interruption or the urge to apply any pressure. You sit down and ask him how he sees the future. You explain how you see the future. You see where you align, explain what your hard lines are and get it all out on the table. And then you wait.

My partner (now husband) and I met in 2016 and were chugging along very nicely - like you said, no arguments, deeply in love and very happy. I'm not sure what triggered it exactly, but literally I was turning 33, and in the space of a couple of months my body clock began chiming very loudly, and I knew that it was essential (to me) to marry before having babies. My man is the slow steady type, so I knew I was going to have to bring it up myself.

We finally had a lovely lazy morning where we could have a heart-to-heart - he was always really clear about wanting kids, but I don't think he truly understood that for me, kids simply could not happen without marriage beforehand. So I explained what that looked like for me; we discussed timelines for engagements and realistic timelines for kids, I reminded him I loved him, and then I backed off. I didn't give him a deadline, but I guess it was kind of implicit and we both understood that.

Anyway, I trusted our relationship enough to give him the grace to process everything his own way and he proposed on his own terms a few months later in the most perfect way. Even though it was expected that he would, he still managed to catch me completely by surprise :) We married a year later and were pregnant a couple of months after that. We are very very happy together.

I wish you the very best - don't lose sight of what's important. His wants and needs are as important as yours. Respect each other, and you'll find your way. Good luck! x

Bet you had "obey" in your vows 🙄

He's probably terrified of the big wedding and the waste of money when you are happy as you are.

There is a communication gap between the two of you and, lovely though he sounds, this might not be a firm footing for a long term partnership.

Why?
She wants to get married.
She should ask.
Doesn't have to be a big proposal with flowers and candles and rings...just
"I would like for us to get married. Will you marry me?"
He will either say yes or he'll say no.
At least then she will know.

This sums it up.
If its more about a big wedding then like i say to my children if you force/guilt people into giving you something or buying a gift . Then its ruined before its even happened. You shouldnt force people to do something they dont want too.
If its about being husband and wife then just ask him. And tell him if the big wedding is putting him off then come up with a smaller/simpler compromise.
And then have a serious plan for children if you both want them .

I'm not against women proposing, but it's not going to help OP. He's already told her he doesn't want to marry.

Please don't read anything into that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
That said don't buy a house or set up a joint bank account without a wedding date. I think you're right to consider that the lack of proposal is a lack of commitment.

Do you need to announce the 4 year anniversary? What do you mean by announcing and how is it embarrassing?

I understand how you feel though. DP hasn’t proposed although we’ve been together for almost 5 years now and although I never thought of marriage, it’s starting to piss me off, I don’t really know why. I think it’s because if we are to be married, I want it to be before I’m 40 and I’m not far off (and like you, he’s younger).

I’ve decided not to bring it up though, but in my case it’s because we don’t plan on having children and the tenancy is in my name only, so I don’t feel like I’m risking much. He’s amazing company overall… for now.

Are you actually in perimenopause so young?

Also I wouldn’t have children outside of marriage because of the protection marriage gives you.

He wants everything without the legal commitment. He's a Mommy's boy. He's literally told you he's not ready. Well, if you live together, are planning on house buying together, and having kids, when will he be ready to marry you? It sounds like never.

I think this guy is future faking you. If he knows that marriage is important to you and he wanted to marry you, you guys would be talking about it and he would have proposed.

I'm not a fan of big weddings. I had a City Hall wedding and I wouldn't do it any other way.

It would be a good idea to put sharing financials on hold until you're married. No joint bank account, no house purchase. Tell him that's what married people do and you're not willing to share financials until you're married.

A word of advice, Mommy's Boys usually make bad husbands and fathers because they've never gotten independent of that first emotional bond and she's the main woman in their lives. They think their mom has a place in their marriage and parenting. Are you ready for her to have input into when and how you get married, where you live, how your kids are raised and educated?

If you think you're in peri menopause at 33 you really need to see a gynaecologist.Get your fertility tested for starters. AMH blood test. You'd be having a premature menopause.

Why do you think you are in peri?

Why does getting married mean so much?

You're living together, you're happy. Why the rush?

@gingerandpeppermint remember there's a very big difference between getting married and a wedding.
Getting married is a legal commitment.
A wedding is a party.
Maybe it's the thought of a wedding that he doesn't like.
You need to talk to him about what he thinks marriage actually means and what it actually means to you.

'kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings.'

Might he think you are expecting this, too?

Would you be happy with an intimate wedding?

Have you spoken to him and told him what kind of wedding day you'd like - and could he be worried about affording it?

Is this a bot?

Also why does 'your city' dictate the kind of wedding you have?
You can do what the heck you want. Why are you feeling under pressure to have THAT kind of wedding?