AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

You’re a single man in his thirties.
When was the last time you were in a relationship? What’s the longest relationship you have had? Have you ever been close to getting engaged?

And most importantly - are you happy in life? with these strict parameters about the latest you could have children and the earliest you could get engaged?

Bit unfair given that there are often threads on here where people say that a man in his late 40s wouldn't have the energy to keep up with a child, nor deal with a teenager when in their 60s.

There might not be a biological hard limit on men having children, but it doesn't mean they may also consider themselves too old. Or want to be one of those guys on dating sites looking for women 15 years younger.

I think men in their 30s who actually want kids but do not want to be dad over 40 - which I agree is fair enough- would shorten/condense their relationship milestones rather than stick to rigid longer time frames. Much the same was women in mid 30s who know they want kids tend to do.

If the rigid timeframes of 6-8 years remain in place to point arbitary parent deadline is passed - honestly I do not think there was real intent or want to be a parent - which again is fair enough as long as clear to any partners.

It's such a myth that everything is halves in a divorce.

it depends on the circumstances.

in my case he probably would get half. The value of this house means we could sell and buy 2 x 2 bed flats or smaller semi’s quite comfortably.

someone living in a family home which wouldn’t stretch to buying two homes out the proceeds would likely be an uneven split to keep that home as it’s pointless selling.

IME it’s the person with less earning power and fewer assets that gets the higher split, as they are less able to financially support themselves. So a high earning woman is likely to be expected to be able to fund her own lifestyle, and the lower earning partner will get more of the assets as they have less ability to buy a property and support themselves, at least in the immediate future.

Oh I see it all the time in MN

alone with the “free half hour consult with a divorce lawyer”

@gingerandpeppermint , I've been thinking of you this weekend, hope the anniversary was successful, so to speak! Fingers crossed! 💕

Obviously it wasn't.