AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

Had you never had the conversation about marriage in the whole 6 years of relationship?

If he does ask this weekend is it likely to be another year to the wedding to make it 5yrs as with his parents?

We married almost two & a half years after meeting but we were 29 when we met & felt we didn't have loads of time!

Yes we did and we bought 2 houses and I thought he was the one.....

Until his comment at lunch one day.. I was like wtf.

To be honest you sound a bit needy. I wonder if he's frightened of getting the proposal wrong? I.e. he is struggling to find a way/place to do it that'll blow your socks off? It sounds as if you may both be a bit like that with the comments about not wanting a wedding until after children so you can have a big fancy wedding? Is he frightened that the engagement won't be flashy enough for instagram etc??

Personally, I'd never have children before getting married as I regard children as a much bigger commitment than marriage, but I know people are different.

You've been together for 4 years, you SHOULD be able to have an adult conversation with him about engagement, children and marriage. Why are you letting him dictate things? It's not Victorian times. You have as much right (if not more) to influence timelines and events as he does. Grow a pair and talk to him, get things planned, tell him what YOU want and when.

Just ending it is massively shooting yourself in the foot. You don't know when the next suitable bloke will come along, if ever. It may mean you never get engaged, nor married, nor even have children. You say yourself you're effectively perfect for each other, so stop the romantic/instagram nonsense and sort it out.

I'm confused because (1) he's not ready to even discuss any kind of timeline or prerequisites in his mind for getting engaged, but he is ready to move in, combine finances, and talk frequently and concretely about having children with you? And (2) when you said you'll never marry him if you're not engaged by next year, he was "terribly devastated". The first one of these sounds like he has an issue with marriage and really doesn't want it, but if that's the case your comment should have been GOOD news for him - unless he took it as your saying you'd break up with him if no engagement? Is that what you meant?

If there's clear communication in every other area of your relationship except if and when you'll get married, that's a strong sign that he's got some baggage about it that you're completely unaware of. You two need to talk, now, clearly and honestly. If he's consciously waiting for something to change or some milestone to be reached before getting engaged, he owes you an explanation of what that is. Ditto if he's ruled out marriage (to you) altogether. If he's waiting for some kind of cosmic sign or change of heart to suddenly feel that he wants to marry you, but he does not feel that yet, then you have to figure out if you really want to wait a year to see how he feels (I wouldn't). If the issue is that a big wedding is too much pressure then talk about it. There are options - smaller more casual or less expensive wedding, elopement, Registry Office, long engagement, etc. A compromise on a smaller but trad wedding may not be as "scary" as he possibly thinks. But you've never going to know what's going on unless you can get him to tell you. And what you're going through right now seems unnecessarily miserable.

You sound very high maintenance sorry.

Nothing wrong with wanting to marry, but the hyperbole around being embarrassed at being old to get engaged, and it being 4 years etc, is absolutely bonkers.

Oh and don't put so much store in being engaged. It means nothing, only that you were gullible to accept that instead of marriage, unless a date is set and real plans made.

You sound obsessed. If I was your boyfriend, it would have me running for the hills.

OP if you decide to ask him to marry you, as other posters have suggested, how will, you feel if he says no ? Regardless of who asks who, or even whether the question is asked, l would be making it clear that there will be no children without the protection of marriage. Something is stopping him from concrete commitment - an engagement ring is not that, and being a single mum is no fun.

It must be exhausting living like this. You’ve given this massive decision over to him while wanting to control it at the same time. Why?

Simple advice ...

Get your hair done, See what happens and if there's no proposal then next day sit him down and tell him:

a. you want children and are running out of time.

b. you're not having kids without being married. a simple wedding will do.

See what he says.
If he doesn't say anything constructive then tell him there is no future for the two of you then. Be dead serious.

And when he ages to propose spend the rest of your life knowing he did it to pacify you, rather than because he wanted to. Great plan.

doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Right well that's very early for peri - and while I personally also had deadline for motherhood I will say it's a myth fertility drops off after 35 - it's later than that for most women nearer or past 40 - it's base on old histrocial records that lack undestanding that women that age in past may have been avoiding pg and while they didn't have modern concrtceptive there were ways to do that.

If you are that unlucky and do want kids you do not have waiting around time.

I was engaged two years - but we were speaking all that time about when and how much - I was more focsued on the marriage part than wedding as wanted kids and wanted to be married first.

DSis got future faked by her first ex - engagement was to shut her up and give him more time before she wanted more commitment.

At this stage if marriage is a deal breaker you ask him and take back control over your life.

Why do you think you have no control over your own future? You can ask him. It's a simple yes/no question. Then you have your answer. It beats sitting around for years wondering what he's planning.

Likewise. And married 33 years here.

Mumsnet generally suggests that women get married and then have children.

Honestly, this all sounds exhausting, yet superficial, as if you are living your life for Instagram.
There is no need to announce to anyone how long you have been in a relationship. Feeling pressure to have a fancy wedding because others in the city (do you even know these people?!) are having them.
Pressurising him regularly to get engaged.
Embarrassed by being older than him - you always will be, so get over it or move on.

Agree - @gingerandpeppermint unless you have not mentioned a significant hormonal/health issue, then your peri menopause won’t start for another 10-15 years. Usually late forties, with menopause around 50-52. It seems to be a SM-lead trend for young women to be claiming they are in peri from their mid 30s, when really they are just wanting children and getting anxious about it. It is rather damaging to women who actually ARE struggling with peri symptoms.

But it is wise to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship indefinitely when you could be moving on to find another partner who does want marriage and children. TBH if he asks you now that you’ve given an ultimatum, it will sit there between you. He may feel forced and you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering whether he only asked because you held a figurative gun to his head.

You should have had a rational conversation and explored together what you want rationally. If you couldn’t do that, then marriage and parenthood is probably ill advised anyway.

It's not about the proposal, is it? You're rightly worried that he will be this limp when (if) you have kids. You're probably right, he is unlikely to became a driven go getter. Only you can decide if you want to keep trying to have a family with this guy.

I proposed to my now husband after a year and a bit (we’d talked about it beforehand - we wanted children and I wanted to be married beforehand) just quietly the two of us sat by the fire. I can confidently report back that the actual marriage is the best bit. Not the proposal (lovely). Not the wedding (great day).

My advice would be approach the relationship and marriage as equals. Stop waiting around for something to happen (and assigning the proposal as something only a man can do) and have an adult conversation where neither of you hold all the power. If it’s a dealbreaker for you then that’s fine, but less focus on the romance of it / the big white wedding, and make important decisions together like it’s 2026 and you are equals.

If it does not feel right in your gut do not do it. But if you are ready then propose to him!

I can see you are getting hopeful but he might just ask you to get engaged which means nothing. You could stay engaged for the next 10 years. If you want to be married by let's say next year let him know.

This!

For goodness sake, just ask him. If he says no then you need to make a decision about your future

Don’t propose to a man Jesus Christ.
if they want to, they will.
marriage and weddings are a capitalist ‘look at me’ ceremony now. It’s about spending money.
I can’t for the life of me understand why this is such a huge big deal to people. A baby or a mortgage is a bigger commitment that lasts longer and is harder to get out of. It’s 500£ to divorce and you don’t even need a real reason.