Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

Sorry Op that must be hard. How has your teenager taken it? Is he hard on her, or are you really soft?

OP- try and whiz past the sad/ lost stage and find your anger.

What he has done can really affect your child.

And I wonder if he sees the hypocrisy. Your daughter was ranting and then your husband got angry, couldn’t regulate and just left. What a twat

Why was she shouting/being vitriolic? What started the row? To be honest neither of my teens ever shout at me & I don’t think it’s OK for teens to treat their parents like that. Maybe you took her side & he was fed up? If he was towering over her shouting then of course you should defend her. It’s hard to judge without more context.

Sorry OP

probably an excuse and he’s got another woman. Otherwise where would he go?

Parenting teenagers is hard and takes a united team approach. Your husband has expressed quite clearly what he thinks about that.

What kind of things were causing the conflict and has he shown willingness to work as a team on them? Have either or both of you sought any help or support?

Im not sure I would call shouting/ranting as “usual teen angst” I have 2 teens (one older than yours) and they’ve never shouted. There’s clearly more going on here. Not sure if you’re wanting to get into it to try to fix, or just looking to vent.

I’m not saying he was right to leave because what does that tell your DD?

However, I would not accept my child shouting at me. Part of being an adult is the necessity to be able to manage your hormones and emotions and not turn to aggression. As a PP has said, are you just refusing to deal with it because “it’s tough being a teen”?

Some teenagers shout and argue and are disrespectful to their parents
Some never would
Then there are few rest in between.

I don’t think it’s a reflection on parenting style but one thing is true - it can put a lot of pressure on your relationship.

This sounds like a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ scenario and things have been difficult for a while.

Even though you are in shock now, at least this period might give you a chance to let the dust settle and think about what you want. Ie is there hope for you if you both want to make it work? If you can’t see it changing then do you actually want him back? Is this just about teen behaviour or are there fundamental problems in the marriage?

I have been here and I know how hard it is. I hope you have good people around you.

Hmmmm, he thinks you are such a shit parent that you should have full responsibility for parenting with him not even in the house to help mitigate it? Because everyone knows that parenting by vibes from a different location to the child is definitely better parenting than being there in person.

This might require some reflection from all of you, for it to be solvable.

Sounds like neither of you painted a picture of wonderful family life, but you are human and these things happen.

Yes this!

I think it's worrying that you seem to think your DD interacting with her parents in the way you describe as being normal teen behaviour.

These threads always reveal quite quickly the people with the compliant teens who think it's all down to their superior parenting rather than personality.

My DSis has got two lovely quite timid girls whereas I have one complete firecracker. I'd say we've both got quite similar parenting approaches and both of us are married to calm, quiet chaps.

If you get a DD, you get a DD...you have to become a BETTER parent then as it's harder.

If I couldn't come to a consensus with my partner on how best to raise our kids, I'd separate our homes so our kids at least had one home with proper boundaries.

Parenting teens can be hard. They can act without thinking of the implications. Alot of it will be regretted after. But I think it can be very hard for them to have the awkward conversations and see things from a parents point off view.
If he means you should be more strict then that doesnt always work. And can make teens react badly. Then you are just in a negative cycle.
Putting all the blame on you is a huge cop out for him. You all need to sit down when calm and try to talk. Without any passive aggressive comments.

What actually happened? What was the argument about? Does this happen often?

Why does he think you are a shit parent?

If he thinks you are such a shit parent why is he leaving DD with you?

I mean how do you KNOW how other people's teenagers behave in their own homes unless you're there to witness it or close to the people in question. You're got a very small sample.

I don’t think all difficult/aggressive/rude/badly behaved teenagers are a direct result of bad parenting; but equally I absolutely don’t believe all unruly teenagers are completely un-parentable and inevitable.

We can never know which is true online, people on both sides of the fence will defend themselves until they’re blue in the face, but if poor teenage outcomes are inevitable why does anyone bother to reflect on parenting if it’s biologically pre-determined.

That's a sensible and measured post @oizzle .

Unfortunately life experience suggests that it's much more likely this bloke walked out because he wanted out of the marriage anyway/couldn't change his own approach.

If the OP does come back hopefully she can give examples of what was specifically causing conflict.

I knew someone who had 6 children. He said that if he’d stopped at 4, he’d have spent the rest of his life thinking he was a good parent. But the final 2 showed him it was mostly down to luck.

I agree. I have one of each (both DDs).

If I had two like DD1 I would think I was a superior parent with a teen who never shouts. If I had two like DD2 I would think either I was a crap parent or all teens are like this (sorry DD2, you're great in other ways!).

It's a bit like having a baby who does or doesn't sleep through the night.

I mean parents have some impact in both situations but I think it's also luck of the draw.

Sorry OP that was off topic but just anticipating the "my teen never shouts" replies.

This, do you have very different parenting styles?

@Phineyj true, and I’m sure even if the DD wasn’t getting the boundaries needed to help that the DH equally wasn’t putting them in place. Parenting needs a united front, you can’t just point fingers at the other parent without self reflection and action, and I’ve no doubt the DH wasn’t exactly doing a lot of that to proactively manage the situation.

Parenting teenagers can be an absolute minefield. You can sometimes sail through the toddler and primary school years thinking you’ve got this parenting lark sorted. Then the teen years throw you curveballs on a very regular basis. It’s really not easy.
DC1 looking back was fine, normal teenage stuff, but it felt bigger at the time as they were the oldest.
DC2 is a different person and I’ve had to develop a whole new set of skills to support them, as has their dad.
Opting out of parenting and leaving you to support your DC isn’t fair, but it’s not uncommon.
Parenting teenage girls is very different now to how it was even 10 years ago, the world has changed and there are so many more challenges.
Decide whether you want to parent with or without him. Either way some counselling or a parenting course could help you all.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, it does pass and they get easier.