Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

My daughter went through a patch (a year) of severe attitude, stroppy, everytime I asked a question had my head bit off. She too struggled with friends at high school - all very judgy. She too is possibly ND, as she does have a few learning difficulties. I too am with you, the small stuff doesnt matter. A lot of that attitude is linked to their general mood and us being closest to them is as we are their safe space they can vent. It was like walking on eggshells, wondering what mood she was going to get home in. Things escalated and her mental health deteriorated. We got her therapy. But I did realise me on at her about her attitude and what she was doing did not help. When they are not getting validation from friends as school the last thing they need is criticism at home. Am I a bad parent, no - she didn't get born with a manual! I pulled her out of school 4 weeks before GCSEs, and now she's at college and seems happier - long may it last!

Completely agree with this position

It's nothing to do with him being a man. Getting into a screaming match with a child is ridiculous, there's no way I'd be supporting that. It's not how you teach a child to be respectful and manage conflict. No man or woman should be shouting and arguing with a child, it's pathetic behaviour and shows a real lack of maturity, emotional regulation and communication skills. If you can't parent without shouting and screaming, you're failing.

I mean, we all know that many of those blaming OP for this situation and canonising her long-suffering husband would be calling her a terrible mother if she had packed her bags and gone to live with her parents because she was fed up of her husband’s parenting style. It may be interesting for OP to see what happens to the mood in the home now her sainted husband has taken a sabbatical from parenting . . .

Yep.

I think it depends if he had been going through things in her room. If so then obviously a teenager would ask why. And if he had said no he hasn't and also got defensive quite quickly . Then it was going to escalate.
Saying to take her out of the house sounds like he couldn't control his temper. Which given he is the adult he should not be trying to win the argument. He should be trying to defuse the situation and calm it all down.

You think a dad walking out because he can't control his teenage daughter makes him a good parent? I think it makes him a weak parent. Lets hope he stays away for his daughters sake.

Of course it’s not right. But then you sit down as a couple and discuss how to handle it. Not kick off and storm out.

Too much whatabouttery and yeah buts.. on this thread.

YOU DO NOT STORM OUT. Whether or not he thinks the OP is the world’s shittest parent. She’s not by the way because he is.

It's not his business ? Is a mother allowed to have these concerns ? Is it only the father who isn't allowed? Or are teens allowed to do whatever they want and no comment ?

The physical symptoms sound like they could be the result of stress. Your suspicions around ND could be right, and if so will be a contributing factor to the stress.

The shouting from DD. Of course it's not ok, but it sounds like it may be a learned behaviour, and your husband's approach of shouting her down is escalating everything and not helpful. When everyone is dysregulated like that, no one is using the rational part of their brain. I think your approach of waiting for everyone to cool off and then talking about it in a calmer environment is better.

Your DD absolutely needs boundaries, but I would approach it by picking your battles, talking through the issues when everyone is calm. Take breaks if you need to. Work on the bug things first and get that under control. Once they are, the smaller things will likely sort themselves out.

The break from DH might be no harm. See how things run with the calmer approach and maybe consider family therapy regardless if what you two decide about your own relationship.

Are you pursuing an assessment for DD?

Agree with this 100%

Hi op.

we had a daughter who found her teens very difficult.

things that helped us:

me and my then husband had a meeting each week to agree strategy. So if we agreed that we weren’t going to nag about the bedroom that week we didn’t

we disagreed on quite a lot of stuff but the agreement we came to was that we would back each other up if we’d agreed on something in advance.

if I unilaterally decided to have a go at her about her room and we hadn’t agreed on what to say about it he didn’t have to back me up.

honestly it did help. Not so much with our daughter (she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease which causes fatigue and cognitive problems) but with us feeling like we were on the same page.

a diagnosis helped aswell as then we could both have some confidence in the future.

like your situation, my dd and my husband often clashed. He got angry very quickly mostly I suspect because deep down he was worried about her future and was trying to get her to be “normal” and do chores and go to school.

they had some spectacular rows, particularly as my dd really did have a temper on her in those days (she has much better control now) and she’d respond by saying things like I never asked to be ill and I’m just too tired etc etc.

if your teen is getting anxious and missing school and is having issues I would genuinely recommend (if your husband comes back) that you and your husband sit down and try to agree some boundaries/rules but also look into what else may be going on - get gp to check for glandular fever, speak to your dd about anxiety etc.

eventually my dd and my husband had a spectacular row and he lost control and hurt her quite badly, so we had to leave as he was violent and out of control.

i’d like to say he regrets it but I’m not sure. My DD has several diagnoses now of mostly auto immune stuff and uses a wheelchair as she has a lot of trouble with fatigue. I think he still believes he could punish her out of her illnesses.

sounds like your life will be easier without him.

he screamed at his teenage child and demanded you take her away so he didn't have to see her FFS

Maybe the OP would have liked some peace and quiet! But she can't go anywhere as he's buggered off.

Even so, why do men think it's OK to just fuck off and leave? Why do men find it so easy to just pack a couple of suitcases and leave their wife and children when the going gets tough and things aren't going his way?! Throwing a massive hissy fit, and walking out like a bratty toddler!

It's always men who this, (well nearly!) I have known personally of many dozens of men (over the years) who have packed their bags and left their wife and children (mostly when they've got another woman, but occasionally they haven't.) I can count three women in my entire lifetime, who I have known to walk out on their husband and children.

Some men are fucking pathetic. Think when family life is getting a little bit difficult that it's OK to walk out. Women are monsters who never deserved to have children when they do this. But for men 'oh things just got on top of him.' FFS!

I think your husband is a waste of space who can't control his temper.

He’s teaching her that shouting is the correct behaviour, she’s imitating him, I assume this isn’t the first time he’s done it. However, it does seem you’re excusing her behaviour. Although I’m at a loss to understand how parenting her is solely your job and not his too.

Because they care far less.

My friend has two really demanding teens and an intermittently useful DH.

She goes for an "angry walk in the forest".

And then she COMES BACK.

I find it hard to side with anyone who blames someone who wasn't even there at the start of the incident.

I would be very tempted to change the locks and start divorce proceedings.

Oh OP … 15 is often peak arsehole age.

We nearly divorced when one of ours was 15 .. we also had the school refusal.

Try and hang in there and get through it together if you can.

Well said.
The op's husband is yet another man who doesn't want his child to be his problem.

If the argument was about the daughter thinking her dad had gone into her room when she was out, there is a good chance she started the argument. The dad had stated he hadn’t been in. If I was getting shouted and screamed at by my teenager for something I hadn’t done. I would not be leaving my house. It is the OP’s parenting job to teach her daughter that shouting and screaming at people is not acceptable, the dad has not covered himself in glory either, it’s very difficult to parent when one parent constantly undermines you.

I see you think she is neurodivergent. Does your husband have any traits?

My sister has autism, we are very very certain my dad is also but won't get diagnosed and gets offended when its suggested. You can't leave them together unsupervised, it's absolutely awful.

My dad was fixated on our rooms, disproportionate punishments. The non ND kids would ignore his tantrums. ND sister obviously felt entirely different to how he did and also couldn't let it go and its nuclear war within seconds.