Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

That's a big leap 😂, it must be another woman???

I must be reading a different thread to some posters.

The one I read, DD has a messy room, and DH doesn’t like her makeup - these are not crimes of the century and what business is her makeup of DH’s?

He seems to have entered her room which has upset her. Fair enough, why does her dad even need to be in her room?

She may be ND and she’s struggling at school.

I understand why DD kicked off. I don’t know what an adult man is doing shouting back though.

I think if you and the other kids feel calm at home now, then that’s telling you that the behaviour and stressors are not only coming from DD…
I would suggest you have a conversation with DH at his parents and articulate that the stress and escalations aren’t helping anyone and you need to agree a united front before this worsens or derails further.
It sounds like a lot is going on all around and it must be very difficult to find approaches and strategies which work, especially in the heat of the moment.

Yes, have children. Absolute hierarchy at home - absolute respect for older family members. I don't know how it happened, but dc never tried to scream at us or grandparents. One German great-grandmother, I suppose it all comes from that. Compared to the shite other people tolerate at home in the name of 'respecting the children' (respect them???? what? Love them by all means, adore them, but respect them? Like how? Ask for their opinions and respect them? Bugger that, aye, right), ours is more like an army, Prussian army.

The argument started because DD thought DH had been in her room/messing with her room door whilst she & I were out. I wasn't in the house when in started, I was still in the car. He said he hadn't & somehow it escalated from there.
yet
Interesting how people are assuming DD went in & started the argument. I don't know exactly how it started as I wasn't in the house, and neither were you.

(Assuming that your h is innocent) How do you think an accusation like that would land with most people? My children have had that argument when young but they were able to say what was missing or what had changed about their door.

If your h comes back, it sounds like you can’t leave them together without you. You aren’t ND so might have been able to diffuse things by splitting them up into different rooms or something but most people would argue against an accusation like that- especially if they were innocent. If she had said that you had been in her room or messed with her door would you have just bent over and taken it? I’m guessing that as a ND person, she wouldn’t accept a calm “No, I did not go in your room or messed with the door”

I understand that you are scared for ND DD’s mental health but you seem to make no allowance for your h’s ND. He’s an adult who chose to have children but I think he did the right thing by physically leaving if that’s what he needed to do. I think it’s more appropriate than you and dd leaving tbh.

He could start by not screaming and shouting at his daughter and not pissing off back to his parents when the going gets a bit tough.

Family life is hard at times and everyone can get stressed/heightened and catastrophise. If your husband is generally an OK bloke I would perhaps send a Whatsapp saying "let's take a couple of days to calm down then talk".

It's not easy living with people but family forgive each other.

If you think your husband is actually a bully or violent then that's different and you shouldn't let him come back if that is the case.

Has your daughter had blood tests at the doctor? Did they give any clues about her health? If you think it could be an inflammatory bowel disorder (Crohn's or ulcerative colitis) then look up the Calprotectin stoole test which might be helpful evidence for diagnostic tests. Is she underweight or losing weight?

You can agree with your husband/daughter that no-one will go in her room. In return she will need to bring down dirty pots/rubbish/dirty clothes regularly and you'll need a plan for how she will change her bedding.

OP id DH the father or stepfather of your eldest DD?

It sounds like she needs some one to one time. Could the two of you manage doing something 1 to 1? I play a board games or cards with me similar aged DS, try and get the odd walk in just the two of us. It makes the world of difference and he often opens up quite a bit during this time. It doesn't have to be every day, 15 minutes here and there.

DS had the ND (recently got a diagnosis but suspected for some time), the physical symptoms, school refusal, and moodiness. What made it better in our situation:

He went no contact with abusive father
Got a diagnosis
Good quality 1 to 1 time where it's just him and me
Had some counselling

We also have the very messy room. Pretty sure its ADHD related....

Hi op is this your dh usual behaviour walking out? He’s not exactly parent of the year either is he. I think you should see him away from the house to discuss everything going on and if he cannot cope with his own dd this is on him. I get he had to walk away when it was so heated but overnight it’s a bit extreme. I bet there is hardly anyone on here who hasn’t had something similar happen. Ask him is he really willing to give up on his whole family on a tantrum. Can your dd attend counselling for her issues as she can’t go through life arguing with people can she. Also a decent husband and father should be there to support all of you. Your dd might feel you favourite the others but the first step is finding out if your dh is coming back.

I would be cautious of deciding that physical symptoms are symptoms of neuro-diversity without thorough investigation first.

We had well meaning people telling us that my son's "feelings in his tummy" were to do with autism/anxiety/neuro-diversity. He now has a diagnosis of Crohn's and biolgic treatment at the hospital every 6 weeks after his camera tests showed deep ulceration.

Physical symptoms should be investigated and ruled out first in my opinion.

I suggested DH ignore her until she (and he) had calmed down. Screaming accusations and insults gets nowhere and trying to have a conversation in the moment is pointless.

That approach we've done with ND teens - mostly. Then let them come to me usually later - occaionally DH when I was one at my limits.

We had screaming door slamping occassional nasty push and many nasty words - some of which we let go till calm but often needed a quick firm correction which sometiem made this worse initally- which is needed depends entirely on situation and not aways got right.

DH did used to make DS worse as a preteen - DS actually most chill of them as a teen oddly. It did mean I learnt quickly not to involve DH even when exhasted - same with reading and written homework when younger though was better with project making homework.

A few times I've had to step in with teen and DH - and sometime he has with me - but nether of us have gone so far as to leave and both ultimatley have each others back - (depsite both likley being ND as well or very least traits).

Not being on same parenting page is going to cause friction - will he be receptive once he has calmed down or is this a my way or the highway sitiuations - if it's the latter then frankly I do not see how it's moved on from.

I’m sorry OP, this is shit for you.

Try and find your rage. I get that everyone needs ‘space’ but FFS why do men just feel it’s OK to leave and have someone else pick up the slack?? No questions asked, no consideration of what you want/need, just an assumption that you’ll do all the parenting (of a now upset and angry DD) while he gets to wash his hands of it all and fuck off. Presumably for as long as he wants.

He sees you as the default parent, it clearly doesn’t occur to him that he has any responsibility here. Dick.

There’s no proof he was in her room though. He said he wasn’t. We have no idea what made the daughter think he had been as the OP hasn’t said. If he actually hadn’t and she kicked off for no reason and accusing him of something he hasn’t done then is it still understandable? Maybe another member of the family had been in her room. Who knows.

And the wife could start with not turning a blind eye to the daughter terrible behaviour too. Maybe the only option was for him to remove himself?

Sorry, I didn't mean that the physical symptoms were definitely a symptom of stress, just that it's a possibility. If course ongoing pain and fatigue should be investigated. I should have said that my son was seen by numerous consultants regarding the pain, and had multiple tests including an upper endoscopy, so it was well investigated, but in our case turned out to be connected to trauma from childhood abuse.
Hope your son is doing well now

I'd side with my daughter over a grown man screaming and shouting at her. If that makes me a shit parent then I'll take that.

I didn't think she was turning a blind eye so much as let things cool down before talking about it?

I should add though that from when we first started seeing doctors about the physical symptoms, to when we finally got a date for endoscopy was 4 years... so maybe work in the stress alongside this

I agree. A family member, now 30, was one such teen and she has a whole raft of issues. She's very awkward socially and constantly apologising, and I suspect that her partner is inclined to be controlling. He certainly comes across that way.

No it’s not understandable. If he genuinely hadn’t, and she must have had some reason to think he had, then I don’t see how this has escalated into him shouting a teenage girl. It’s completely unacceptable.

I didn't so much as look at my parents wrong, as I knew what the consequences would be. Similarly, my son would never have shouted at me when he was younger (or even now).

... I've seen some replies above now where apparently parents of well-behaved kids are "smug" and "superior". Shrug. Ok then.

Op, was your daughter regularly shouting at and disrespectful of your husband and/or you? And he'd just had enough? What was the actual reason he called you a shit parent?

It's surprising though that he'd walk out on you because of this. Whatever I said above, parenting is bloody hard, and I'm struggling to understand why he's walked out on you. Were you having issues separate to your daughter?

I think your dh is the adult and needs to remember it. He's not helping anything by shouting or casting your dc in the role of the bad guy.

This.The father is supposed to be the adult here he needs to be able to control his emotions. Screaming just makes him look unhinged and foolish at his age

@NotTonightDeidre it was you who gave the impression it was your daughter started the argument.
In your 2nd post you said the argument started because your daughter said your husband had been in her room while she was out. He said he hadnt and it escalated. What proof did she have?