Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

I am a freelancer. I am beneath my client, not before God, but in the hierarchy of a business relationship. My income depends on my client. Not the other way around. Who do you think depends on whom? Do you understand that it is only thanks for hierarchy over centuries and rules and prohibitions due to this hierarchy we did not descent into chaos as a civilisation and still exist?

So yes, both the cleaner and myself as a freelancer are beneath our clients in our business relationships. And as such cannot lecture our clients - seen the thread the other day? Where a cleaner is ticking off the client? Don't get me wrong - a cleaner is entitled to say 'there is a lot more work here, because of a.b.c. and list them and then say - because of that the agreed 4 hours are not enough, you need to pay me for 9 hours', that would be OK, but to lecture clients?

So yes, the cleaner is beneath the client. And that is why on the lying disingenuous Mumsnet we get 'oh, every profession is equally respected, all jobs are equal' but not a single one 'Oh, I dream that my Sebastian or Crispian will become a cleaner - all jobs are respected, aren't they....'

No, instead we get 'My Sebastian did not get into Cambridge - do you think this is the end of the world? He does not want his insurance, Durham.' And a flurry of answers - oh, no, take a gap yah, then reapply to Cambridge.

So, yes, a cleaner is beneath their clients.

True!

Wow. How dare a cleaner have a view and share it with their superior.

What an odd post.

Your DH needs to work on his behaviour, shouting and screaming is not acceptable and he needs to model appropriate behaviour.

The person who makes the least parenting effort does not get to be the boss of parenting. A united fronts all well and good, but it is something that is discussed and decided in calm moments when the child is not present. This united front does not stem from how can you subdue your awful child. It stems from concern about their wellbeing and helping them navigate the world.

If someone is shouting and screaming at your child, your first priority is getting them to safety.

If your DD is able to access MH support or an assessment for Autism/ADHD @NotTonightDeidre , there will be a lot of questions about home life and family relationships and trusted/safe people. I don't think your DH will be coming out as the 'good' parent.

Yeah, that was a funny one wasn't it?

So dd is struggling and it seems to me that h is sticking his head in the sand and not doing anything to help her. Instead, he's just blaming the OP because she's not able to force dd into behaving as he thinks she should.

Why is he filtering his opinions about dd through the OP. Like giving her the bullets to fire! What was he doing to assist when dd wouldn't go to school?

Leaving the family home could he massively damaging to dd - she will be absorbing the message that dad has left because of her. That's shit parenting imo and could cause long term damage.

I think he doesn't understand what it's like to have a child who isn't straightforward, who has anxiety that the GP cannot easily fix. And who sometimes refuses school - at this age, you can't actually make her go. What does he think should be done because he seems very big on criticism and not so much on contributing solutions.

Seriously ? He voices his concerns about the make up to OP, not his DD. And of course the state of her room is his business. You seem to think he should be invisible and mute in his own home.

What a shit comment to make

I don't know how we are able to advise from these two limited posts. You are probably both going to have to compromise. Try and parent better in your case and try not to disappear when the going gets tough in his case..Maybe some more details might be helpful. 15 year olds are a PITA..Good luck :)

My DH nearly left me years ago because of extreme stress and disagreements on parenting and he’s a bit of a similar type - control issues, wanting to be “stricter”, not understanding the concept of children being equal human beings, and that it’s your job as an adult to demonstrate emotional maturity and control over oneself or you can’t expect that from your children.

It sounds like he doesn’t know how to calm himself down/stay calm in the first place, and when you wouldn’t throw the DD out (which I agree is unnecessary and you could just go into different rooms) he didn’t know what to do and felt undermined, probably humiliated because you were questioning his authority and even more angry. Like you didn’t/don’t have his back.

I don’t know how to help really because I get why you feel both hurt and not sure if you want him to come back. I suppose if it was me I would approach him and say as calmly as I could how I saw the whole thing, and ask him to tell you as calmly as he can how he sees it all. Try and work through it with agreed ground rules for the future - calming down in separate rooms for a start - and if he refuses to engage then you can’t fix it on your own and you’ll have to separate.

On the contrary, when men piss off and leave their wife and children, because they need some 'SPACE' there's very often another woman involved.

If you was an employer and your employee started screaming at you, would you join in with the shouting and screaming and get into an argument?
I'm going to guess you wouldn't as you say you're a freelancer, you need some good communication skills to pick up business. I think what a sensible, rational person would do is calmly follow disciplinary procedures. "X, I am not going to be spoken to that way. I am leaving now and will contact you tomorrow to discuss formal disciplinary action".
Now transfer them skills to parenting. " DD, I am not going to listen to you screaming and shouting at me. I am going to turn off the WiFi and it will not be back on until your bedroom is tidy, if you continue to scream and shout it will not be back on until we have a respectful conversation tomorrow".

Interesting how people are assuming DD went in & started the argument. I don't know exactly how it started as I wasn't in the house, and neither were you.

By "vitriol" I mean she was saying thst she hates us, the DS & DD2 are our priority, nobody cares about her etc.

I suggested DH ignore her until she (and he) had calmed down. Screaming accusations and insults gets nowhere and trying to have a conversation in the moment is pointless.

I'm not perfect, I know I'm not, but I'm trying my best. There is lots more going on but a lot of it would be outing.

I'd love to be a parent who had a teen that followed the rules 24/7 & never had an issue. Thankfully in my real world I know I'm not the only parent struggling with their teen DC's behaviour.

He's not parenting her, he's being a disciplinarian and that's the easiest most fall back stupid option for all concerned. We can all shout. We can all lose our temp. Parenting is more co placated than that and as for asking a 15 year old to leave or asking you to remove her from the house... wtf kind of parenting is that!? Obviously you are both on different pages, but if he thinks his methods are working they clearly are not.

He sounds like a control freak tbh, and make up wise teenagers go through phases, I'm sure my parents quietly talked about my goth makeup as a teen but I never felt their disapproval. If you don't like an untidy teenage bedroom, shut the door. There's some people can't abide that though, rankles them that they aren't being obeyed explicitly.

OP, what worked for my dd when she was depressed/anxious like this (she's also autistic) and she didn't want to speak to anyone, was actually bypassing everyone else and going straight to a psychiatrist rather than arse around with counsellors etc. He was incredible with her, did questionnaire stuff that she had ownership over filling in, and gained her trust. He encouraged her to explore therapy as well as medication because they work better together, and we eventually found her a psychologist that she really rates and talks to. It's a long road, she doesn't tell him everything, but she's on sertraline which has majorly helped her anxiety in everyday life and she just finds everything a lot easier.

Stop with the OW comments. There may be but there most likely isn't, but this is a poster @NotTonightDeidre who is seeking support an advice and you are just giving her something else to stress about. Stop it.

My now ex H argued with our son. Told him to do as he was told or get out. My son left. It took so long to find him I was at the point of calling the police. I put my son first and you need to put your daughter first. My son is fine, notwithstanding the school did not report back to him that I'd 100% backed him up and as they did nothing more he spent years thinking I'd sided with his dad. I never knew any of this so couldn't reassure. Years later, son knows he is loved and comes first.

Agreed.

Yes, DH has traits (as do I). This pretty much describes how things are with them.

Cleaners, clients, hierarchy.. do you even have kids? This is a very odd way of looking at family life. It’s not the army.

OK, if you say so treacle.

I think i am veering towards your husband's point of view here. Your daughters behaviour is inexcusable and disgusting. This is not normal teenage behaviour and your post sounds like you are enabling her which is not only damaging for her long term but damaging for your marriage too. Your daughter can shout and rant at your husband, her father, but it too delicate mentally to go to school?! She is taking you for an absolute ride and your husband knows it. He is also totally correct that if you deem your daughter so mentally distressed by school you are keeping her off then she should be taken to the dr. On balance though he could have intervened and made sure this happened. But I do get why your husband would remove himself. At this point you have joined forces with your daughter to excuse this terrible behaviour so he has removed himself from the situation. Until you understand this isn't normal or permissible teenage behaviour there is nothing he can do

"To those thinking there's an OW, you're way off. He went to his parents' house.
DH thinks we should be stricter. I'm not permissive, but I also don't sweat the small stuff. For example, if her room is untidy, it's her room, I don't stress about i
Sounds like your daughter was 100% out of order and your DH asked you to step in and support as it was escalating, and you completely let him down and refused. He’s not the one in the wrong this time"

Interesting. I took it that the husband was the one who wasn't parenting and wanted OP to take over because he was useless.

@NotTonightDeidre

I'd love to be a parent who had a teen that followed the rules 24/7 & never had an issue

I wouldn’t. People-pleasing, rule-following teens are problematic in their own way even if they’re easier to manage.

Oh ok, if you have a fair bit of neurodiversity going on it helps explain rigidity, lack of emotional skills etc.

We do OK mostly as a family of two neurodiverse people and me (after a LOT of therapy, support, parenting books a-plenty etc) but we hosted an exchange student this summer and stress levels rocketed.

You could try reposting in SEN. You'll get fewer responses but they'll be more relevant.

Indeed! And probably "marry their father" later on.