Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

It sounds like you're the only one empathising with her and have her back. Trust your gut and keep backing her how you feel she needs it. If your DH was speaking to you the way he spoke to her, everyone would be telling you to leave. He can be frustrated, and still communicate rationally, he is an adult. If you want to salvage your marriage, come at him in a supportive way seeking to get on the same page and understand his perspective, maybe suggest going to some courses for neurodiverse or anxious teenagers and you will learn the same things and strategies together. If he's not interested in controlling his temper and not role modelling how she should expect to be spoken to by a man, don't let him back in. I imagine she will be calmer and happier without him.

OP you have raised a brat and are now in a situation of your own making. Nd or not she should not be screaming at others. Would you find it acceptable for her to scream at your mother, her teachers or a bus driver like that? One day she may just scream at the wrong person and end up on her arse with a black eye.You reap what you sow.

Did he actually say you are a shit parent or is this your assumption.
Teenagers are like a cartload of monkeys at full moon.
Sometimes limits and the discipline a father can instil can help hugely.
Your daughter will leave the first opportunity she has and lead her own life.
If you love your husband remember your daughter will not thank you for throwing your marriage away.

It has been suggested upthread that she may have an ND condition which means that she may have Rejection Sensitivity Dysregulation and if she also suffers with Pathalogical Demand Avoidance Disorder, then the poor child will find it very difficult indeed to cope with any rules.

What is the OP to do?

It sounds as if she may be prepared to ditch her husband and she can then let her daughter behave as she likes which, as long as the OP doesn't upset her in any way, should mean that everything will work out fine.

My mother would have kicked me up the arse and that would have worked out fine too but I suppose everyone has to deal with it in the way they judge best.

My mother would have kicked me up the arse and that would have worked out fine too but I suppose everyone has to deal with it in the way they judge best.
Thank you so much for saving me saying this. I mean what in the name of all that is holy is Rejection Sensitivity Dysregulation or Pathalogical Demand Avoidance Disorder.
Seems there is an excuse for every out of control, spoiled teenager out there.
Give it a name then you can absolve yourself of all blame.
My mother chased me down the road with a tennis racket once.....I still laugh over it a lifetime later. She took no cheek that one.

You know, it IS possible to acknowledge that someone can have the challenges that come with RSD or PDA and not automatically assume you have to just let children behave ‘however they’d like’. There is a middle ground, as it turns out, you don’t have to sneer at everything.

You're right, one doesn't have to sneer at everything but one does have to laugh at some things and laughing or sneering at some things is exactly that-some things, not everything.

It sounds like it’s your DH who’s the crap parent as he’s not listening to either you or his daughter but instead he’s acting like a Victorian parent from the 1900’s expecting the women of the house to obey his every command.

What a prize tosser!

I think he needs to move out for a bit and give you all some breathing space.

Yep, good save. You’ve really made a good point.