Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

I think where we all go wrong as parents is to prioritise each other over the kids! That means you have to accept the others decisions and back them as a parent at least I’m front of the kids. My DH. An over do it in my view but I try (emphasis here!) to discuss it with him later on!

This. ^ He's got someone else, and this is an excuse to leave. Men don't leave their wife/family unless they've got someone else and somewhere else to go.

I'm so sorry @NotTonightDeidre You need to get in contact with him though to try and figure out where to go next. You will be connected financially surely? (Mortgage or rent, and bills and supporting his DC, and so on) He can't just throw his toys out of the pram, spit his dummy out, throw a tantrum, and just leave. He's a husband and a father and he has responsibilities.

We need more information here. In what ways does your parenting differ? It might be relevant to the reason he left.

Have you any idea where he's gone?

Is this the first time he's walked out over something like this OP?

OP, just why do you consider your DD's behaviour permissable? Arguments do happen. but vitriolic ranting should never be accepted. It really sounds as if you have taken DD side to appease her. Are you minimising her behaviour for a quiet/quieter life?

DD was a model baby and slept through the night! She was awesome. I think she liked being a baby.

Does she like being a teen? OMG no, in the sense that she has very great difficulty with the idea that DH and I have any right to make any decisions at all.

We did learn from Mumsnet that when she cries she hates us to respond, oh that's a shame, we LOVE you.

Maybe he sees you always backing your daughters behaviour no matter how awful she is. Maybe he has reached the end of his tether with you not his daughter. Packing and leaving is not great but if you always refuse to see your daughters behaviour as unacceptable then maybe he has to walk away for his on MH.

To those thinking there's an OW, you're way off. He went to his parents' house.

DH thinks we should be stricter. I'm not permissive, but I also don't sweat the small stuff. For example, if her room is untidy, it's her room, I don't stress about it, he does. He doesn't like how she does her makeup, he doesn't say anything to her, but he does to me about her.

The argument started because DD thought DH had been in her room/messing with her room door whilst she & I were out. I wasn't in the house when in started, I was still in the car. He said he hadn't & somehow it escalated from there.

By the time I got in the house they were screaming at each other. DH wanted me to take her away out of the house but she didn't want to leave and I wasn't about to make her, it's her home too.

He wanted me to step in and "parent" her. I said he needed to stop shouting and ignore her and that any conversation at this point was useless because everyone was too angry/upset.

DD is struggling at school. I suspect she's ND and has been masking heavily for a while. She's struggling with anxiety, making friends etc. She's had 2 days off this term where I couldn't get her into school. DH thinks it's my fault and I'm "letting her get away with it".

I said I was trying to support her mental well being and he said if she's that bad I should take her to see a doctor. I've had her at the GP a couple of times now because she presents with some physical symptoms too (nausea, fatigue, headaches). She bareley speaks when we're in there. She says she doesn't want to talk to strangers, she doesn't trust the GP. There's so much going on in her head and I don't know what to do. DH just sees her as difficult.

@NotTonightDeidre

To those thinking there's an OW, you're way off. He went to his parents' house.

That doesn't mean it's not another woman. Just means he hasn't moved in with her yet.

A teenager shouting at dad? Seriously? 'Usual rant'? Seriously? Something somewhere went wrong. If you allow the hierarchy to break, there is no manners, no responsibility, not peace. And the result is the shit world we live in - no respect, cleaners reprimand clients, bank clerks tick off client, GP receptionists triage patients - crazy world of 'we are all equal'. Yes, we are all equal in the eyes of God, but we are not equal in our stations, our jobs, our expertise. Children should not be allowed to shout at parents. End of.

This.

Sounds like your daughter was 100% out of order and your DH asked you to step in and support as it was escalating, and you completely let him down and refused. He’s not the one in the wrong this time

Pointless and unhelpful comment.

Oh for goodness sake.

I swear that some people see this place as a soap opera, and if there's not enough drama for them, they wish all kinds of extra upset on the OP.

This is a really obtuse take, as if you’re determined to put the OP in the wrong.

She walked into both of them shouting at each other. DH didn’t “ask her to step in and support as it was escalating”, he’d already engaged in escalating it and wanted her to punish the daughter by taking her away. If he wanted to deescalate things, he had the option to just stop shouting and walk away himself. Or even better, not start shouting in the first place.

It’s not OP’s parenting job to remove her daughter from a mutual shouting match. The parent doing the shouting needs to get a fucking grip and handle it himself.

Sounds like you’ve got two kids, to be honest. No wonder you’re not devastated he’s gone.

Agree. You immediately supported your daughter instead of trying to see why she claimed he was in her room.
Overall it seems neither of you have a united strategy with how to parent your daughter. You are dismissive of what he finds unacceptable while he seems not to want to be flexible in his approach.
Your daughter needs rules and needs to be respectful. At the moment you are not sweating on things and she seems to be pushing boundaries. Result, her Dad has now left home. He did the right thing as it seems there was not going to be a solution to the row.
How is your daughter reacting this morning?

And that’s a really obtuse take to make sure the man is in the wrong no matter what, despite the teen being out of order, and OP refusing to help at all and just telling him to ignore her, she is the child of the house, not the boss.

So in my home, the expectation is that all areas (including bedrooms) are kept clean and tidy at all times.

This is partly because I am a cleaner and I see that many young adults have no ability to keep their living environment healthy and this is getting increasingly worse. I'm trying to teach my kids basic domestic skills and standards.

It's mostly because it is how I was raised.

I would say my OH mostly shares my standards but I am definitely the one who leads on this because I am so particular. What he does is respect that this is how I want my home and he also ensures the kids do their best to maintain those standards.

It sounds like you're saying that his views on it are irrelevant rather than encouraging your daughter to maintain the standards her father expects when it comes to cleanliness in the home

I’m sorry but you know absolutely nothing about the situation, the causes, any of it. It’s absolutely mental to jump to this with such vitriol based on only your own assumptions.

it is par for the Mumsnet course though

Asking you to take your daughter out of the house because he was angry is abusive OP, and he shouldn't be harbouring any concerns about her make-up or how your daughter prefers to keep her room, it's not his business. He sounds like an awful parent and an even more awful co-parent and partner, I think his departure will soon feel like a blessing.

Ffs rein it in a bit

Oh come on now. I don’t know what side of the fence I am on on this thread as there isn’t enough detail, but asking someone to take someone out of the house as a means of de-escalation is NOT abuse. Whether it’s the right course of action is another question, but abuse is down right silly, calling everything out as abuse demeans it.

I don’t think shouting ever helps a disagreement between a teen and a parent. As the parent he shouldn’t be shouting, she’s shouting back as he’s taught her this is how you disagree/communicate with people.

have you thought about family therapy?

im with you op, her bedroom is her business, i was the same with my daughter. Her room was a tip but i left it to her. Ironically when she moved into her own flat, she keeps it immaculate.

There’s a pretty obvious difference between removing yourself from an argument to de-escalate it and telling your partner that she and her child have to leave the home because you’re angry. He had the option to walk away, go into another room, go for a drive, or otherwise remove himself from the situation. Instead, he decided that his anger entitled him to decide who was allowed to remain in the home.

That’s where it can become abusive: using control over the home or someone’s housing/security as a weapon during conflict. “I need some space, so I’m going out” is de-escalation. “I’m angry, so you and your daughter need to get out” is exerting power over them. Calling controlling behaviour abuse doesn’t “demean” abuse simply because there was no physical violence.