Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

There is absolutely not enough information in this thread to call out abuse. You’re being ridiculous.

“I’m angry so you and your daughter need to get out” is twisting the story into something it’s not, and adding in context that doesn’t exist.

>There is enough information to comment on the specific behaviour being described, which is what I did. Telling your partner that she and her daughter have to leave their home because you are angry is controlling behaviour. If his intention was genuinely to de-escalate the situation, he was perfectly capable of removing himself — going into another room, taking a walk, going for a drive, whatever. He chose instead to make them leave.

You don’t need someone’s entire relationship history before you’re allowed to recognise that a particular behaviour is unacceptable or potentially abusive. And disagreeing with you doesn’t make me “ridiculous”.

I’m afraid I agree with your husband

Again, you are adding in crap that didn’t happen.

And all because a petulant teenage girl doesn't get to live in shit.

You are inferring things out of the situation. Calling out abuse is a serious thing. There is not enough about the situation or relationship here, OP has barely posted. This isn’t a matter of opinion, you’re seeing what you want to see, like that other daft poster calling out an affair! Some people just like to be dramatic.

You think a cleaner isn't equal? That they're beneath their client?

Your DH sounds like a controlling dick and I suspect your DDs MH will improve if he stays away.

So had he been in her room or not? Because it sounds like he hadn't and as soon as he walked in the house, having done absolutely nothing to her he was confronted with accusations and "shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol" in your words.

And instead of dealing with that you told him he should 'ignore her'.. I think I'd leave too to be honest, you are failing her and failing him by sitting back and letting that all unfold, doesn't sound like the first time either.

In no circumstances, should she be shouting, ranting and spewing vitriol at anyone in the household, no one deserves that, so stop making excuses for her.

Perhaps he just wanted some peace & quiet

So he went to his parents

It sounds like you need to get to the bottim of why your daughter is angry
What can you do to help her ?

The home should be everyones safe place

Screaming matches aren't normal and while I would have absolutely been put in my place if I went off on one of my parents the second I walked in the door (why does she think that's appropriate rather than "dad, have you done xyz?"), it wouldn't have involved being shouted at or sent out of the house. Dad is the adult and should behave as such, this lack of control would make me lose so much respect for him, that I wouldn't be bothered he left either.
I'd make sure DD knew she was in the wrong as well though.

If your dd is ND then there’s a high chance that you or your h is also ND.

Based on your telling of the story, you are so keen to appease dd that you think that your h should be too. Going into her room and messing with her things is an unfair allegation if it’s untrue and one that your h can’t prove his innocence.

As dd wouldn’t go out with you to calm down then your h obviously had to leave to calm down. I’m not saying that it was reasonable to want dd to leave but if your difference in parenting approach has been going on for years then tethers will be short. I’m not saying who is wrong and right here because you being “too soft” might be the right amount of “soft” and he is too strict and rigid or vice versa. We don’t know because we don’t live there.

Is dd calmer without her dad at home? If so, this could be a good thing for everyone. Parenting a ND is hard and I can only imagine how much harder it is when your co-parent has the opposite approach to it. Is she ever apologetic about her behaviour after she’s calmed down? Discipline when they are kicking off won’t work but teens can try and practice alternative ways of dealing with emotions like anger. If she behaved like that with friends then they wouldn’t accept it and it’s hard being a teen without real life friends.

From the little you've outlined, I'd say I've got a very strong feeling that your husband is really bad at emotional regulation, he's fretting about her room and her make up whilst she's going through something, and you're worrying about her wellbeing and mental health.

He's worried about how things look, you're worried about how she feels.
He wants you to take her out of the house to punish her, rather than calmly explaining/proving that he wasn't in her room. Why isn't he concerned that she thinks that? Has he been in her room ever? Does he think that her room is relatively private to her, or does he think it's his house and she needs to appreciate that she allowed to take up space there?

My Spidey senses are working over time on this, and until OP proves me wrong I'm going to say you know something is up, she's under immense pressure, and dh just doesn't care. How he feels is the most important thing as far as he's concerned.

The fact that you've felt relief at the idea he's going, tells me everything I need to know.

You’re right but you’ll get told you’re wrong. Mumsnet is the place where it’s always the man who is wrong, and “abusive”. It’s a word that’s thrown around so much it loses its meaning and is diluted

Oh get over yourself 🙄

Please explain.

Exactly this. Not a chance I'd leave my DC with someone I consider a shit parent.
I'd also never argue with a child, which seems to have served me well because my older teens do not shout at me and disrespect me.
You may find life a lot easier with him gone and your DDs anger may disappear (if it is him that has been arguing with her and not modelling healthy discussion and emotional regulation).

I'm afraid that most of us do not let our children behave in that way. Towards us or anyone else.

It reminds me of Dumbledore speaking about Harry and Dudley to the Dursleys:

Dumbledore paused, and although his voice remained light and calm, and he gave no obvious sign of anger, Harry felt a kind of chill emanating from him and noticed that the Dursleys drew very slightly closer together. “You did not do as I asked. You have never treated Harry as a son. He has known nothing but neglect and often cruelty at your hands. The best that can be said is that he has at least escaped the appalling damage you have inflicted upon the unfortunate boy [Dudley] sitting between you.

I imagine hes gone to cool down and reflect on family life, and how to cope with your dd's behaviour. It will do you all good to have some space. Give it a day or so then ask to meet up and suggest (in fact politely insist), on counselling or a parenting course for both of you. Its vital for your dd and your marriage that you two parent as a team.

That's a work of fiction.

I agree, and I think OP has included the bits about him fretting about her make-up (privately) and him not liking the state of her room, to make sure she gets the response she came her for.

In her OP she even calls it an argument DH had with DD, rather then the truth, which she later said stemmed from DD absolutely going off on him the second he walked in the door, over nothing. I'd also like to know what "vitriol" she was referring to, as that suggests DD started a particularly nasty, personal attack on him, to which OP seems to have sided with her daughter.

I think he is better off out of it to be honest.

It is, indeed. The fact that parents who fail to give their children appropriate boundaries are damaging them is not fiction, though.

In dynamics where parents have different parenting approaches, they both drift further away from their spouse over time. Soft parent becomes increasingly soft as they want to make up for strict parent. Strict parent becomes more strict to make up for soft parent.
Do you really think that your h went into her room and messed with her stuff? If you do when why would you allow him to live with dd? If you don’t then when dd is calm, she should be told that she is out of order dealing with things like that.

I shake my head every time I see behaviour like your daughter's described as 'normal teen behaviour '. It really isn't.

A parent wanting their child to live in a clean, functioning space is not a bad one.
A parent having concerns about a child's make up or dress is not automatically a bad one.

It is a parent's job to guide their children, and sometimes that includes telling them to tidy their rooms, not look like a clown (in nicer words) etc.

Why is it normal to have zero expectation of children. They are a part of a family and that comes with responsibilities as well as rights. The same as will be expected of them in society.