Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

Your DD sounds very unhappy. You say she is struggling in a number of directions right now. Your husband needs to experiment with other ways of relating with her, and stop laying down the law, because that isn't working. Is his plan to shout her into submission?

I had an husband a bit like yours. Whenever the kids did something he didn't like, he wouldn't address it with them directly, but would turn to me, express his displeasure, and then wait for me to deal with it. For example: Him - "Why isn't DS finishing his homework, Maple?" Me - "I don't know; why don't you ask him yourself?"

Given that she's having a tough time on various fronts at the moment, it's not surprising she is taking it out on the two of you. Teens always take this stuff out on those closest to them.

Your husband needs to experiment with other ways of relating with her, and stop laying down the law, because that isn't working. so no rules, no boundaries?

@katepilar I agree. We don’t shout at ours nor do they shout back. Shouting rarely does anything except ramp up the stress levels. I suppose people who do shout assume we all do. Mine are both teens & pretty good kids.

Not his business ? Does he not pay the bills or the mortgage? Yes it absolutely is his business what state his house is in. He is the parent and she is a child.

Good grief...

I have two DC and the teenage ND shouts and has far more trouble regulating her emotions. This is very common for ND kids and does require different approaches. Approaches you’d use for neurotypical kids will often just make it worse. Finding out if she’s actually ND will help with getting more aligned in the right way to parent her.

If your DH is also ND that will likely make it harder for him to deal with the shouting as it can make you particularly noise sensitive. I am also ND and find it extremely difficult to remain calm in the face of my child’s shouting because it triggers me badly. It really does take therapeutic support,

Maybe you should have sweated the small stuff.

It sounds like he’s not dealing with things very well and she’s struggling with her MH so the answer is not shouting and getting angry at her. Leave him to it. It will probably give you all a break. Talk to dd about her behaviour and make it clear that some of it is unacceptable whilst letting her know that adults are not always right either. If he has anger issues then you’re better off without him there.

Ultimately he is the bad parent, basically walked out on his family because of a row with his daughter. So what now…family breaks up and daughter blames herself, what a dick he is.

OP I hope this resolves itself the best way for you, but he needs to know he can’t have a tantrum and just walk out

It sounds as if your H has reached his limit, your daughter’s behaviour has, I suspect been a regular occurrence? He’s right to head off to his Mums for a few days to calm down, let things settle. She doesn’t sound easy.

When / if he returns you and he definitely need to be on the same page in regards to what is acceptable and what is not, regarding your daughter’s behavior. She cannot rule the roost, in order for a family to function there needs to be enforced boundary’s by both you and your husband.

We’ve moved to a detached house in preparation for the teenage years that I’m assuming will become more shouty. We did a lot of shouting in my family growing up, it wasn’t abusive, we were just loud expressive people that laughed a lot and danced around and were just very loud. It’s completely normal the way I grew up.

You need to talk to your husband and try and get some family therapy. Teenage daughters can be a nightmare at times and it sounds like the biggest issue is communication. I doubt he ha left his family for good over one row. You and him need to talk to me without your daughter around .and try to get on the same page.

I have had 3 teens, and one is still a teen. I wouldn’t tolerate being screamed at, and I don’t think it’s acceptable she’s screaming at her dad for going in her room. Presumably there’s something wrong with the door. I don’t see it as normal acceptable behaviour that a teen is screaming at their parents or being rude. The fact your DH is getting the blame shows how things work in your home won’t help the situation. Why was she not told off for screaming at her parent instead of your DH getting the blame? I am with him, and ND or not, not acceptable to be rude to parents, but instilling that starts well before the teen years. It sounds like it’s just become the norm now and probably in for a rough ride.

How do the other kids feel about the situation and the atmosphere in the house most of the time?

No. But she is sixteen. Perhaps she could be invited into a discussion about what those rules and boundaries should be. Shouting matches and absolute rigidity is clearly not the way forward.

I have never shouted at my kids.

My ex-husband used to unleash his temper and start shouting at the drop of a hat. The younger DC was so traumatized that for years they couldn't be in the room if the TV was on and someone was angry.

Only read OP's posts. OP - why is it your responsibility to take DD to the GP? Why is it your responsibility to get DD to school? If DH is so amazing, where is he in these moments?

Also, what is it with these men who just get off when things are tough? Let him go OP. Your life will be easier and I'd bet DD's will be too.

Also as a parent to a DD who almost certainly has some level of ND but who doesn't want to explore diagnosis, I would say trying to get them to keep their bedroom tidy is not even worth the battle. If she's anything like my DD, she just can't do it. I spent years cajoling and bribing.and encouraging and, yes, even shouting and none of it made the slightest bit of difference to the state of her room. What does it matter in the grand scheme of things? I only drew the line when there were no glasses left in the cupboard because she had them all!

Hierarchy 🥴 good god it’s not the military, what a silly was to view parenting. Respect is earned not a given. Teenagers see through the bullshit and if you have to rely on “respect your elders” I suspect you say “I brought you into to this world land I can take you out” as well don’t you? Instead of developing a relationship and understanding your child you just demand respect of them.

This. 100 times. Your child will be an adult in a few years time. She should have, by now, found a way to communicate without being so aggressive, she is not a toddler anymore.

Shouting and ranting is not normal, just bad manners and lack of care for other people. Honestly, we are raising a generation of entitled,, nasty people. Unfortunately, most of the times they are like that because their parents also shout and rant at home.

I’m not saying your DH is right in leaving, he may be as bad as your child, but everyone has a limit when at the receiving end of such behaviour and when that limit is reached, things change, sometimes in very difficult ways.

Well, you're not the parent who walked out on your DD when parenting became difficult. I don't think you need to believe what he has to say about who's being a crap parent here.

Because they think a woman reacting angrily is just her showing her strength.

So then you tell her that her inability to perform basic tasks of self care means that you have to pay for someone to do that for her. So instead if pocket money, she pays a cleaner to clean and tidy her room. That is what she will have to do in her own space.