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Original poster

Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

160 replies

RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:02

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:
TheBlueKoala · 18/09/2026 16:04

@RGEdin Why didn't your husband tell your mutual friends to come?

HoraceCope · 18/09/2026 16:20

I hope your colleagues are kinder than you think

Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/09/2026 16:20

TheBlueKoala · 18/09/2026 16:04

@RGEdin Why didn't your husband tell your mutual friends to come?

Weaponized incompetence

purplecorkheart · 18/09/2026 16:29

Your colleagues must think a lot of you if they came to a midweek dinner.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 16:32

It takes skill to organise a party like that- your sister needed to take your husband in hand and tell him to rally his friends too.

I’m not blaming your sister, or your husband. It’s just that that kind of event needs to be organised by someone outgoing and determined, as it really is a matter or rounding people up.

I always think it’s less about the person whose celebration it is, and more about the skill and pulling power of the organiser.

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday. Flowers

Ansjovis · 18/09/2026 16:46

The last birthday party I had was when I was 10 years old because there hasn't been anyone to invite. If you had 3 friends, 4 colleagues, 3 friends who couldn't make it and a whole other group of people who weren't invited due to your husbands error, well. Regardless of what any of the attendees think, you know you are not billy no mates. If I were invited to a small birthday dinner I'd probably be really happy that I wasn't having to listen to 20 different conversations going on simultaneously, not judging the birthday person for having no friends.

Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:46

TheBlueKoala · 18/09/2026 16:04

@RGEdin Why didn't your husband tell your mutual friends to come?

I think he just thought of them as his friends and didn't think but it's a couple (the male partner was originally his friend) and we've been to lots of things together

OP posts:
Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:50

HoraceCope · 18/09/2026 16:20

I hope your colleagues are kinder than you think

They are a lovely bunch!

OP posts:
Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:50

purplecorkheart · 18/09/2026 16:29

Your colleagues must think a lot of you if they came to a midweek dinner.

Yes I am lucky TBF!

OP posts:
Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:51

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 16:32

It takes skill to organise a party like that- your sister needed to take your husband in hand and tell him to rally his friends too.

I’m not blaming your sister, or your husband. It’s just that that kind of event needs to be organised by someone outgoing and determined, as it really is a matter or rounding people up.

I always think it’s less about the person whose celebration it is, and more about the skill and pulling power of the organiser.

TBF my sister did really try but some people are just unreliable! Thanks though ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:52

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday. Flowers

Oh no what a shame! I guess people just have their own lives to lead and don't think. Hope he recovers eventually!

OP posts:
Original poster
RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:53

Ansjovis · 18/09/2026 16:46

The last birthday party I had was when I was 10 years old because there hasn't been anyone to invite. If you had 3 friends, 4 colleagues, 3 friends who couldn't make it and a whole other group of people who weren't invited due to your husbands error, well. Regardless of what any of the attendees think, you know you are not billy no mates. If I were invited to a small birthday dinner I'd probably be really happy that I wasn't having to listen to 20 different conversations going on simultaneously, not judging the birthday person for having no friends.

Haha, good point! And yes, when you put it that way of doesn't sound so bad, thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Motnight · 18/09/2026 16:54

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday. Flowers

That's awful @PrettyLittleRose .

BillieWiper · 18/09/2026 16:56

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday. Flowers

I'm sorry but your friend's husband needs to get over it. If that's how OTT he is I'm not surprised lots of people didn't come. And that list of people, not one of those groups did you describe as his mates. So maybe he had very few friends before the party.

It's kinda insulting to the 8 or whoever that bothered to show up that they simply aren't enough. And their presence is actually an aside against his personality.

sonjadog · 18/09/2026 16:57

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday. Flowers

Did he has issues with friendships and/or self-confidence before? That seems like a pretty extreme reaction. Sure, it is hurtful that so few people showed up, but I would have thought most people would accept that people had other priorities, without seeing it as a sign that everyone hates him.

OneNewEagle · 18/09/2026 16:59

Happy belated birthday, your DH should have invited people.

sounds fine to me that’s more people than I know. I didn’t do anything for my 50th as no one to invite. Really nice of your sister.

Cetera · 18/09/2026 17:14

I think that’s ok and very kind of your sister. Your husband could have been more involved and invited the mutual friends. Perhaps you could arrange a catch up with them another time soon?

I still feel sad about my 50th, I know where you are coming from.

Daygloboo · 18/09/2026 17:16

RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:02

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

No but my mum organised a surprise meal at a lovely restaurant for my dad's 50th many years ago and he was furious and hated it. She'd invited various couples they knew who didnt really like each other and had nothing in common. It was a bit awkward.

Whynottryagain · 18/09/2026 17:18

I rarely know how many people were invited to any dinner / party I attend. So if I arrived and there were 10 people, I'd think that was a good number, and intentional! Certainly wouldn't be judging. I don't think you can talk properly to more than that really.

The only time I've felt sorry for someone was a girl from work who had a housewarming and catered for about 40 people. My boyfriend and I were the only people who went, and it was so awkward.

diddl · 18/09/2026 17:20

2 ill & 1 away obviously can't be helped.

Sounds like enough people for a dinner to me.

Honestly if someone did this for me the number invited would struggle to get into double figures!

Pallisers · 18/09/2026 17:29

I'm sure your sister meant well (and had to work with your incompetent husband!) but this is why I hate surprise parties - i've never understood the attraction.

CalamityJane81 · 18/09/2026 17:35

Don’t give it another moment’s thought! Everyone that’s the same age as you knows how often this happens. We’ve all tried to arrange a party and have people fall out one by one. Husband needs telling you would have expected him to invite your ‘couple’ friends in case anyone tries to arrange anything for you again.

Cotopaxi · 18/09/2026 17:39

Well now at least you know how much effort you need to put into your DH's next big thing, don't you?

HoraceCope · 18/09/2026 17:48

i did a surprise for dh 40th
it was awful, so many people cancelled at the last minute.
i think he was ok and got over it and we were grateful for the people that came!