Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

[RGEdin]

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

This. It is my great fear every birthday that someone will organise a truly awkward surprise party for me. Luckily DH feels the same and would say so if he got wind of it, but I never think they are all they are cracked up to be.

I have known a few (not saying this is your dsis op) who have hosted surprise parties for friends at their home and it has been in the wake of a renovation or new house purchase or similar. Cynical old me always wonders if they were not borrowing someone else's friends to show off their home to yet another audience!

Quality over quantity. I hope you had a lovely evening. Happy 40th!

We organised an 80th for my DF and everyone who said they were coming came! But lots of people declined!
His brother couldn’t come because he was having a pacemaker surgery! Younger brother too!
It was funny how me and my sister were so stressed and the hall separated into friends, my DF family and my DM sat with her family!
After 60 years together!
But my DF had the best time and still talks about how great it was and how well we had done organising it!
Was over 5 years ago! We also had in a room in a pub on a Saturday afternoon. So plenty of food, free tea and coffee and anyone who wanted anything else needed to go to the bar!

People are so flaky these days. Think as a society in general we just have less respect for each other, and we’re also more insular and less social. Plus mobiles make it easy to cancel last minute.

I had big parties for my DH’s 40th and also my own. Everyone who was invited came, as far as I can remember although DH met up with his friends in the pub the night before. (His was at home, mid afternoon.)

I say friends, but once we had our DC, the friendships fizzled out as none of them had children.
All they ever really did was go to the pub tbh.

For his 50th, I invited mostly family out for dinner. There was about 20 of us and I made a huge fuss of him as he only really has me.

We did the same for my 50th. Both very enjoyable nights.

I make a point of trying to go to every party/event that I’m invited to, even if it means a fairly long drive.
I like to support my family and friends. Sometimes I’ve been the only family member to go!

I’ve gone to parties when I’ve just returned from holiday a couple of hours before!

I’ve gone to children’s birthday parties early on a Sunday morning and dragged two toddlers with me, no sat nav and difficult to find.

A few years ago, I was invited to a former neighbour’s husband’s 60th.

I did know him but thought it was a bit strange. I went because I was invited.
Turned out, I’d got my wires crossed. It was HER 60th! We laughed so much about it and enjoyed the night.

I would absolutely HATE a surprise party.

I’m sure your colleagues thought nothing of it tbh. And as someone else pointed out, no one knows how many were invited, do they?

That’s an absolutely fine number for a sit-down meal.

Oh god yes I have - my lovely mum arranged a surprise 40th for me and went to great expense (I thought we were just going for a meal and explicitly said I did. It want a a party) anyway party happened and none of my friends were there she’d basically just invited family and had I known I’d have invited all my school friends etc …. Just felt so sad my mum had spent so much but I didn’t have a chance to invite who I’d have liked there so yes I completely understand. I was so grateful I just wished I’d known so I could’ve invited more friends.

I'm not interested in ever having a party for myself and thankfully my husband and young adult kids feel the same, so we will never be in this situation - it's such pressure and high possibility of let-down/embarrassment/disappointment these days. I prefer to socialise with just one or two people anyway, and there's actually a lot of people who feel the same. This idea that all big birthdays should be a huge social celebration is not as ubiquitous as popular culture and social media makes out. For plenty of people they ARE happy to mark it in a special way, but perhaps instead have a nice break or holiday away with their own immediate family.

To me, weddings are the occasions when most people tend to make the effort to attend. They are (hopefully) a one-off in a couple's lives. Big birthdays are ten a penny really. Just not hugely unique to a guest. And if they're mid-week, well....I agree that people who would make the effort to turn up to them are true friends.

À vague friend put huge àmounts of effort into a pancake party... Lots of cooked dishes.... Invited 30 odd people... 2 of us turned up... Horribly awkward and we didn't have the time to stay very long....

Think he hadbt ensured that the time of the party was OK... Midweek lunchtime...

I don't think it's flaky not to want to attend a party.

See I think this is incredibly patronising and unhelpful of your friend. I’d be grateful to anyone who turned up to celebrate my birthday whether that was one person or 10 (and I’d struggle to amass any more than 10, to be honest). If half that number turned up and someone pulled me aside and said they felt sorry for me I’d be furious, I don’t want or need their pity. Not everyone has tens or hundreds of friends and family.

Don’t be embarrassed OP! No one who made the effort to come to your celebration would think badly about you.

Maybe your colleagues will become good friends now 😊 They must like you to make an effort on a Thursday night!

I think mid-week social events hold less appeal than a weekend soirée that you can spend time getting ready for and aren’t rushing/tired after work.

Also, your husband is a doofus for not thinking to invite mutual friends!

Perhaps have a rethink about how much effort you put in for those who were invited and didn’t come.

I'm with you, it's actually a really nasty, snide thing to do.

Sadly this. It was already happening a bit before covid, but the lockdown definitely accelerated the massive decline when it comes to this sort of socialising

So many people now seem to think nothing of flaking out of stuff last minute and dont realise just how rude it is to say you are coming to something then pull out closer to the event.

Its incredibly rude and i find it really surprising how common it is now.

As i result i wouldnt risk trying to organise any event like this for an adults milestone birthday, you just can't rely on people anymore sadly.

I had a friend who despite being seemingly a good friend, was terrible for being very non-committal about invitations until the event was about a week away. So if you issued an invitation 6 weeks out, she'd say stuff like 'can i get back to you' and then be very vague about whether she was coming til about a week before. It became very obvious she liked to hold off to see if any better /more desirable offers came in, and she didnt seem to see how rude it is! I stopped inviting her to things

I also agree. If that was my friend I’d be encouraging her and saying never mind, we’ll have a great time anyway! And we damn well WOULD have a fab time.

I would not be going on and on about how sad and awful it was and how sorry I was that my friend was so friendless and unloved - that’s horrible 😳

⬆️ I think that’s really good advice.

And have been to one’s for some quite outgoing, friendly people that actually only had a handful of people that weren’t close family. Had a good time, no-one commented on it or thought about it really. I think it’s not as unusual as we think, we’re all just paranoid when it’s about ourselves!

Re-brand it as a ‘Success’ and enjoy those people that came

I have never forgiven DH for talking me into a 40th birthday party in the village. Loads cancelled, loads didn’t bring their OH assuming it was a girls night.
Horrible embarrassing night .

I have a friend who has accidentally found out her DC’s are organising a surprise 40th party for her. She accidentally saw an email. She hasn’t told them she knows. She’s told me and is so nervous about it and no one turning up. She’s going to give me a list of people she’d like there and some how I’m going to check with her DCs that they’re all invited without looking too suss! Wish me luck!

Don’t over think it OP. There were 11 of you there including four very nice work colleagues and three friends. No one would be thinking anything of it, although your OH was a bit useless! Did you have a good time? That’s all that matters.

@thesealion@beaglescurleduplikebagels
honestly, it wasn’t snide or patronising. I think he could genuinely see that I was embarrassed and a little “is this it?”. He isn’t that type of individual, although I can appreciate how it reads.
It was a year ago now and from my point of view, from someone who shows up for everyone, I was gutted to not have the efforts reciprocated. But as I said, lesson learned and efforts saved for a small few in future.

I'm sorry to hear that. Why are so many people so flaky, unreliable, and generally shitty? I love getting invites to parties and dinners, yet so many people CBA. Their right I guess, but I don't get them.

I feel like messaging my friend and getting her to show her husband this thread, to see if he can snap out of this 'everybody fucking hates me!' thing. It's such a shame, as not everyone is a let down...

And it seems that only a quarter of people turning up out of all the people invited isn't that unusual, so he really shouldn't feel that terrible. It is pretty horrible to just not turn up though (and not even say you're not going.) Out of the 24 who didn't turn up to my friend's husband's surprise party, only 3 actually said they weren't coming. Out of the other 21, around half said they'd be there, and the other half didn't message or thank them for the invitation, they just didn't show...

I can understand why he was so upset, and felt like most people hate him, but he needs to try and start coming out of it, and realise not everyone is a flaky bastard, and at least 8 people did turn up.

Happy birthday, OP.
My own 40th was many years ago.
DH organised a surprise party for me, in our house. Quite a number turned up - maybe 20? but it was a very odd guest list because he'd omitted a fair few people I would have expected him to invite instead ie people not even on my Christmas card list. He later proudly told me he'd got their contact details from my address book (remember them?) - I've never told him that what he used was an OLD address book, and the only names not crossed out were the people whose details I hadn't transferred to my NEW address book. Which explained a lot!
Anyway, other than about 4 close friends, nobody who came ever invited us to anything subsequently.
I'm not sure surprise parties are a good idea, on the whole.

Ah that's a terrible turnout. I'm sorry that happened to her. Odd time for a party though.

I think you could tell your colleagues what happened and they’d understand. I understand how you felt.. your husband should have invited mutual friends.

A couple of years ago it was my 40th. We had a 6 week old baby, so granted didn’t have big plans. But then for my 41st I discovered the day before my husband hadn’t organised anything and we went to a pretentious hotel for lunch which is not me at all (out of his desperation for not booking.) Recently he went to a friends 40th birthday party in Germany (she lives there) and I realised how sad it was I wouldn’t have that.

This is not to say my situation was worse.. it’s just to say I understand! Sometimes partners get it so WRONG!!

Do tell your colleagues - hopefully it will feel better after. And maybe organise something else with your other friends? xx