Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

[RGEdin]

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

People are so flaky these days. I've heard of this happening so many times that I honestly wouldn't even consider trying to do something like this for DH, too risky.

It's great that you and your sister have a close relationship. Those relationships are so precious.

I think, maybe years ago, parties were fine.. people finished work at 5pm, so different now, & they are worked so hard that they just want to go home & flop.
Especially if it's mid-week. Especially if you've got kids, all their homework, babysitters to book..
Cost of living, etc..
Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather send a card & gift & curl up in front of the TV..

I've always said, if you truly want to know who your real friends are, have a party!

There’s some kind of hideous cold bug going round at the moment, half the people I work with seem to have it (we’re all remote so haven’t given it to each other!) and quite a few children off in DD’s class. She’s ok luckily but DH and I are both wiped out with it. So it’s believable that other friends could be ill, tis the season and all that.

I think that’s fine and a nice number. I had similar at my 40th meal - 3 close friends, my husband, my sister and her husband, 2 other family members. I have a much bigger family than that and other friends, but I did other stuff with them at different times - my other sister and niece I’d met for a lovely breakfast on the day itself for example, I think it’s quite normal for people to meet up separately in different groups now. Maybe try and arrange something with those you missed another time.

People are selfish - it's as simple as that.

"Yes" to an invitation means yes, if I can be arsed on the night and don't get a better offer.

They think if they don't turn up it won't matter, but everyone's thinking like that and hardly anyone turns up.

I gave up organising anything after 4 out of 23 people turned up for a work meal and one of those was someone's mate from a completely different team who was dragged along at the last minute in a kind but futile attempt to make the whole thing less embarrassing.

I think enjoyment comes ahead of attendance, so if everyone had a good time, even if attendance was a bit sparse, that's better than a full house and arguments, walk-outs, drunken letchery and awfulness, surely?

For comparison, I had a book launch party for my second book, organised in a local bookshop by my publisher. I invited everyone I worked with and most of a local small town.

Two friends turned up. If it hadn't been for the fact that my kids and my publicist were there, we could have held it in a phone box.

How's that sad? That's a lot of people who came to celebrate your day.

I hope I'm not as harshly judged by others, I would've considered myself doing well with those numbers.

Ah that’s so sad. I ask for confirmations on WhatsApp a few days before now so I can cater correctly…and send a reminder the day before…

But in OPs case there was no one who said yes then didn't turn up.

What about the two who were supposedly ill?

I could have written this. My 40th also. Luckily it wasn’t a party, just informal drinks after a meal.
I had genuine bad luck in that several of my friends had genuine emergency situations. It couldn’t have been worse luck.
I only had 4 friends come and my husband was mortified. I was so upset with several other friends who I think couldn’t be fucked on the actual night. I never really forgave them, and make no effort with them at all now.
sad really when you’d go the extra mile for them. You live and learn. Sorry this happened to you x

My dh threw a surprise party for my 30th. It was mostly his friends and our elderly neighbours. I had a cracking night but....

I threw him a big party for his 40th, lots of folks there.

It's my 40th this week, he's booked my mum to babysit and we're off on holiday thank fuck.

It's his 50th next year, maybe I'll just invite the residents of the supported housing over the road 😁

Yeah, I can imagine that wouldn't go down well - it's hard to get right!

Thanks for that ☺️ Oh god, that's awful for your colleague!

Thanks, that makes me feel better. Yes, I'm feeling a little annoyed at my husband...

Well I’ll not tell you my opinion on men in general but this is probably just a bit of a dense moment rather than anything cruel or deliberate.

So true - thank you! Ah, what a shame about the book launch - but goes to show it happens to us all...

A party like that really needs to take place on a Friday or Saturday night to have a decent turn out. If it was a close friend I'd definitely turn up to their Thursday night party, but for someone I had more of a relaxed friendship with I probably wouldn't.

Aw that can be embarrassing. Yes I have had this happen to me (lesser scale) and to someone I'm close to (epic scale - was really a bit awful - and they were a well-liked, popular person). it's no reflection on you (as you know of course). It is an art and a skill, organising and hosting a party. Some people need a lot of chasing and checking to actually turn up.
I think it says a lot about you that you can look at it with grace, humour and gratitude for your DSis. That is the more important thing as you go into your next decade.

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I think what's getting to me, and partly because of the hangover, is how sad the fairly distant colleagues that attended must think I am. I.e. like they're my only friends. But it was also nice they came and I'm so touched by my sister's efforts

Haha, that seems fair!

My 40th is next year and there is no way that more than 3 people outside of family will come. My circumstances are different as I’ve just moved home after living abroad for 15 years, but I honestly think that if I can manage 3 non-family members that would be an achievement!

However, I agree with the PP regarding the skill of the party planner. I planned my best friend’s surprise 30th and we had a great turnout, but it was seriously a full-time job for about 3 weeks! I also had to get her mum involved in the planning as I realised pretty quickly that I couldn’t do it on my own.

I think people are just extremely flakey, if I say I’m coming I will drag myself there come hell or high water, I don’t like wriggling out of things because it makes me feel a bit of a coward and like my word doesn’t mean anything. It’s no reflection on you, they would do it to anyone ,tbh though I do write off unreliable people, it helps me to not hold onto the ill feeling because I just lower my expectations. I just don’t make any effort after that, theres no point.

I also wouldn’t think anything of it if I were one of your colleagues a) because I know people are flakes b) it’s still nice ti be invited to a party and I imagine they had a good time.

Oh I completely hear you.
My friend on the night took me aside and said how sorry he felt for me and how he hoped I was okay. I had tears in my eyes and kept over explaining about my friends with the genuine emergencies. I had a knot in my stomach the entire night and cried all the next day.

The worst part was, I had asked my husband to please not organise anything and I was absolutely right.
Lesson learned and I’ll be heading on a very epic trip for my 50th. No parties for me ever again!

Obviously this is blaming the sister for not over-functioning enough to anticipate that the bloody H doesn't care a damn about his wife's party and even thinks that all their presumed mutual friends are actually all his and therefore they wouldn't have been interested to celebrate her milestone.

WTF. The bar for men is in Hades.