Page 3 | Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 21:53

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 18/09/2026 21:40

Obviously this is blaming the sister for not over-functioning enough to anticipate that the bloody H doesn't care a damn about his wife's party and even thinks that all their presumed mutual friends are actually all his and therefore they wouldn't have been interested to celebrate her milestone.

WTF. The bar for men is in Hades.

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No not at- just assuming that the person whose idea the party was, has a better idea about who to invite than OP’s husband.
I’m sure the sister worked really hard at it. But as he hadn’t invited people, then someone needed to nudge him. It isn’t blaming anyone to suggest that an additional thing needed to be done. It’s not like you can nudge yourself to do somethIng you haven’t thought of, is it?

Freshrain · 18/09/2026 22:14

Shloopie · 18/09/2026 21:23

A party like that really needs to take place on a Friday or Saturday night to have a decent turn out. If it was a close friend I'd definitely turn up to their Thursday night party, but for someone I had more of a relaxed friendship with I probably wouldn't.

I think there is a big difference though between saying

"Thanks for the invitation but unfortunately we can't make it. I hope you have a lovely time" when you get the invitation

than

Just not turning up when people are expecting you.

It's not 100% clear but the impression I got from the opening post is that the sister was expecting that a lot more people were going to be there, than turned up.

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 18/09/2026 22:35

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 16:32

It takes skill to organise a party like that- your sister needed to take your husband in hand and tell him to rally his friends too.

I’m not blaming your sister, or your husband. It’s just that that kind of event needs to be organised by someone outgoing and determined, as it really is a matter or rounding people up.

I always think it’s less about the person whose celebration it is, and more about the skill and pulling power of the organiser.

This 💯

Original poster

RGEdin · Yesterday 09:47

movinghomeadvice · 18/09/2026 21:26

My 40th is next year and there is no way that more than 3 people outside of family will come. My circumstances are different as I’ve just moved home after living abroad for 15 years, but I honestly think that if I can manage 3 non-family members that would be an achievement!

However, I agree with the PP regarding the skill of the party planner. I planned my best friend’s surprise 30th and we had a great turnout, but it was seriously a full-time job for about 3 weeks! I also had to get her mum involved in the planning as I realised pretty quickly that I couldn’t do it on my own.

Thanks. Yeah, I guess it's all down to circumstances. I think 40 is a bit different to 30 too - less appetite for nights out, family commitments etc. And TBF to my sister she did invite everyone who would have come

OP posts:

Original poster

RGEdin · Yesterday 09:51

PennyPugwash · 18/09/2026 21:39

Oh I completely hear you.
My friend on the night took me aside and said how sorry he felt for me and how he hoped I was okay. I had tears in my eyes and kept over explaining about my friends with the genuine emergencies. I had a knot in my stomach the entire night and cried all the next day.

The worst part was, I had asked my husband to please not organise anything and I was absolutely right.
Lesson learned and I’ll be heading on a very epic trip for my 50th. No parties for me ever again!

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I was the same making a big deal about friends not being able to come to probs I DO have friends outside of work and my sister got annoyed at me because she thought it would offend those who had bothered to come...

I've felt tense about it since, need to move fast it, I feel so guilty! Haha, I'll be exactly the same with my 50th ☺️

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Original poster

RGEdin · Yesterday 09:53

Freshrain · 18/09/2026 22:14

I think there is a big difference though between saying

"Thanks for the invitation but unfortunately we can't make it. I hope you have a lovely time" when you get the invitation

than

Just not turning up when people are expecting you.

It's not 100% clear but the impression I got from the opening post is that the sister was expecting that a lot more people were going to be there, than turned up.

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TBF it would probably only be about 5 more people had everything gone to plan - my sister did try her hardest 👍

OP posts:

Totaldramallama · Yesterday 10:00

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday.

This is so sad. Honestly I have such a deep fear of stuff like tbis. I haven't had a party for my own birthday since I was a young child and DH would never never arrange something like that. We even eloped to avoid a party. Why are people so hideously unreliable.

For my next big birthday I'll be going on holiday thank you very much

Boreded · Yesterday 10:26

Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/09/2026 16:20

Weaponized incompetence

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Or maybe instead of automatically blaming him for having a penis, we could look at the fact he wasn’t the one organising it, the sister was. She should know who the friends are, and if not should ask the husband to invite them…

restingbitchface30 · Yesterday 17:48

If I were one of your colleagues I’d genuinely be thinking you’re a smart girl who keeps her circle small! I wouldn’t for a minute think anything negative

Tifical33 · Yesterday 17:53

It sounds like they all had reasons that were beyond control but you're well- liked and men go blank? Most I've known..Happy Belated Birthday, also! And your sister is a dear 💓

Mumsince2021x · Yesterday 17:59

In my experience you have to invite wayyyyy more people to ensure that if lots inevitably drop out there are still a decent amount. I had this with a family members big birthday. Lots were invited but it only takes a few declines, one or two ill, one childcare troubles etc etc that all of a sudden you’re left with way less than half. I feel for you. This is why i’d never have a party myself!!

LondonLass2026 · Yesterday 17:59

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 16:32

It takes skill to organise a party like that- your sister needed to take your husband in hand and tell him to rally his friends too.

I’m not blaming your sister, or your husband. It’s just that that kind of event needs to be organised by someone outgoing and determined, as it really is a matter or rounding people up.

I always think it’s less about the person whose celebration it is, and more about the skill and pulling power of the organiser.

Exactly.

My brother's surprise 40th was organised by his very headstrong, outgoing and no-shits-given European partner. Her contacting me for ideas and friend names was actually the very first time we'd spoke, as they'd met just three months earlier.

She had absolutely no hesitation in contacting all his mates going back to his school days, and there's a group of his mates I get on very well with, from the late 90s, so I helped out there.

The venue was booked by her, and hundreds turned up. He genuinely had no idea. I still look at the photos (coming up ten years ago now) as I love the look on his face.

You have no need to feel bad, because it's your husband who messed up! And that's my point, organisers have to work together and ask each other who they might have forgotten, or friends that one of them might not know of. It's a LOT of teamwork and your sister did so well considering she had no help!

*"edited for clarity

Rpop · Yesterday 18:00

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/09/2026 16:32

It takes skill to organise a party like that- your sister needed to take your husband in hand and tell him to rally his friends too.

I’m not blaming your sister, or your husband. It’s just that that kind of event needs to be organised by someone outgoing and determined, as it really is a matter or rounding people up.

I always think it’s less about the person whose celebration it is, and more about the skill and pulling power of the organiser.

This is so so true. And equally, those that came knew you didn’t organise it so they would know that it could be a slightly random selection. Take the positives and don’t worry about others. Still a nice thing x

BunnyLake · Yesterday 18:02

It’s always best to keep in mind that people are flaky. It’s difficult enough sometimes to just arrange something with 3 or 4 people without at least one of them dropping out, never mind a party’s worth. And there’s always that mindset that they won’t miss one person not going, except everyone’s thinking the same thing.

HavingABlether · Yesterday 18:19

Cripes. This is why I never want parties, and also why I've said I don't want a funeral. Nobody wants to be the poor soul with three mourners. Just fling me in the bin. Meanwhile... happy birthday 🎂

Original poster

RGEdin · Yesterday 18:21

Tifical33 · Yesterday 17:53

It sounds like they all had reasons that were beyond control but you're well- liked and men go blank? Most I've known..Happy Belated Birthday, also! And your sister is a dear 💓

Thank you - that does sound about right!

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Xanhi · Yesterday 18:32

A well attended party isn't really about the popularity of the host/party person, it is much more about the ability to organise a successful event. The ease of location, the groups of people you invite and how well they know each other, the food and drink served and the day of the week/time of year all make a big difference.

Awkwardisfunny · Yesterday 18:33

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday.

That's so sad! And in the nicest way: it might have been the organiser's 'fault'. As the organiser, I'd be ensuring I planned ages in advance, got availability, chose the best date, gently chased regularly to ensure in calendars, had incentives to turn up (like gift bags!) - and then have a couple of venues once I had numbers. So, once everyone arrived: either venue 1 with capacity for 34, or venue 2: an intimidate dinner, with an 'exclusive' vibe. Or one venue but two distinct plans.

I just think it's such a shame to spend the rest of your life feeling that way about people when it might not have been what he thought. I wouldn't even know of 34 people to invite, so he's doing well!

Daysgo · Yesterday 18:34

Tbh I don't understand why people organize surprise parties for children let alone adults... I'd say a sizable number of people detest the thought of one.

shuggles · Yesterday 18:35

@RGEdin I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday.

That's a massive friend circle compared to what the average man has.

JontyGentooey · Yesterday 18:42

Oh gosh sorry OP. I hope you still had a nice time with those with did come.

I remember a guy at my work donkeys years ago telling me that he organised drinks somewhere for his 30th, in the days where you made an event on Facebook rather than actually phoning or texting people. Anyway, one person showed up and it was his ex girlfriend. He told me this story in a sort of jokey way but my heart broke for him and I've never forgotten it.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 18:43

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday.

Does your friends' husband realise how offensive and unkind his behaviour is to those people who actually did turn up?

I also wonder whether people didn't show because he's prone to that kind of nasty behaviour.

AprilMizzel · Yesterday 18:44

I think all parties are risky and you have to expect a certain number of drop out - at least some turned up and hopfully you all had a .good time.

DH not bothered since he tried to do a house warming party when we moved here- previous ones we had lots of people turn up this one everyone dropped out - we went away for weekend for his 50th. TBH even IL who have hosted and used to go to lots of parties now tend to do hoildays or more informal meet up in pubs.

watchingthishtread · Yesterday 18:48

I don't know why you're so grateful to your sister.

Surprise parties are not for the person being surprised. They're all about the person doing the organising. You don't get the fun of the anticipation, they do. You don't get to pick who you would like to have there or where you would like to go or what you would like to do or what you would like to wear. There is always someone left out. You have to appear grateful even if you didn't want the party because it's poor form not to be gushing over the organiser. It's a horrible thing to spring on someone.

Rant over.

PoliteGreyDreamer · Yesterday 18:58

I've heard of this happening quite a lot.

TBF, people turned up to my husband's 40th, but we just sent out invites to 18 people (9 couples) for a low key meet-up at the pub for his 43rd, and 1 has RSVP'ed they are available.

He has cancelled it.