Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

160 replies

RGEdin · 18/09/2026 16:02

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · Today 07:44

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 07:41

But what about his friends who did show up? His behaviour is a massive “fuck you” to the people who did bother.

Show quote history

I agree it's unfair to them. Ideally you'd realise that they are the people you can count on. I wonder if he felt so humiliated in front of them that it ruined those relationships form him too.

As I've said, I'd never attempt a large get together. Too risky for me. I don't know if he felt similar but was in the dark completely or going along with it somewhat and completely taken by surprise.

Rituelec · Today 07:53

Please dont over think this. When people have hundreds attend, they can't possibly all be good friends. Its not the norm to have a huge bunch of friends, please dont be embarrassed x

OneBiccieTwoBiccie · Today 08:02

This reminds me of the surprise party on Friends for Rachel because they forgot to invite anyone to the baby shower! I imagine your husband probably thought it was all in hand and didn't think it through!

CJ50Mum · Today 08:15

PrettyLittleRose · 18/09/2026 16:32

I do know (personally) 3 different people who over the last 10-12 years had parties arranged (1 was a surprise one...) One had 12 out of 39 invited turn up, one had 8 out of 34, and the third one had 8 out of 28...

It's really upsetting, embarrassing, and devastating. One was my friend's husband's 50th. About 8 years ago. She invited a few extended family - like half a dozen cousins and aunts, 10-12 of his work colleagues, about 10-12 friends/acquaintances, and half a dozen neighbours. (34 in all.) 8 turned up. He was crushed, and she was upset, because she arranged it, as a surprise. Just to have only 8 turn up. Out of 34!

She said he's never been the same since, he never wants to mix with people, he trusts no-one, and he thinks everyone hates him. Utterly heartbreaking. No matter how many times she (and others) have told him that this kind of thing has happened to people before, and it's nothing personal, he won't have it, he just says 'fuck everyone.' He never lets anyone in, and has no friends, as he doesn't trust anyone, and is worried about being hurt and let down.

Don't take it to heart @RGEdin I am sorry this happened though, and happy birthday.

That's awful, very sad. I think that's why I've never organised a party like that for fear of a poor turnout

MumOf4totstoteens · Today 09:06

Yes I had a 30th and hardly anyone who was invited came. The list of excuses was hilarious from poorly, skint to lost a front tooth. I’d never do it again. Going on hol for my 40th. My in laws are very sociable though and have party’s for birthdays and anniversaries etc and hundreds turn up. I think it depends on how social your friends are.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 09:10

Hotap · Today 02:18

What do you mean by most of your town? Were they actually friends? Usually authors invite a lot of fellow authors and librarians etc too.

Show quote history

I live somewhere very rural where everyone knows (and is friendly) with everyone. There's not much excitement going on round here and I thought they might like to come to a party Obviously I didn't expect them all to attend, but some of them might.

No librarians round here, no library for a long way and no other local authors. It was only my second book so no famous authors were going to travel to the arse end of nowhere for me.

I gave up book launch parties after that. They are clearly meant for people who live in big cities.

TB23 · Today 09:17

I find surprise parties weird and my partner and kids know that I don't ever want one under any circumstances, but each to their own. This is precisely one of the issues, you end up with an odd selection of people. If you plan it yourself, you start with the availability of your closest friends and work from there. Having said that, 7 guests with partners is not a small number, I am sure no one is giving that another thought

TB23 · Today 09:26

Parky04 · 18/09/2026 18:58

I've always said, if you truly want to know who your real friends are, have a party!

I'd amend that to "if you truly want to know who your extrovert friends are...". Not everyone likes a party, often the person planning a surprise party likes parties a lot more than the person it's in honour of. Seen that a lot of times.

PrettyLittleRose · Today 09:26

MadMadaMim · Today 02:20

Happened to me for my 40th (nearly 20 years ago). My birthday is just as the summer holidays start . We sent invites early and confirmation request 2 weeks before. There were supposed to be 30- 40 people - very close friends, some colleagues, some newer friends. We had a marquee in the garden, a sound system set up, loads of food and drink. 12 people turned up. We had an excellent night but I was really upset and hurt, and embarrassed. I've never celebrated another birthday with anyone but my immediate family.

Sorry this happened. Older and wiser me knows it wasn't really about me - people are just generally rude. They think them not turning up when they confirmed they would, won't make a big difference but if lots of ppl do the same thing, situations like this happen.

Next time, spend the time, anergy and money on a lovely family meal or a short break.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sorry to everyone else this has happened to too.

However, I hope on some level that this thread is making people (including the OP) feel better about only a quarter (or a third) of people turning up to their party.

Seems it happens more than we all think, and it's almost certainly not about people not liking the person. More about people being thoughtless, not being arsed to go and not thinking of the consequences (like only 7-8 people turning up out of 30-40 invited as has happened to some people, and people close them,) and things just coming up that are out of peoples control (babysitter let them down, they got sick, something else came up, or they simply couldn't go because they had a prior commitment.)

Above all, it's not because you're not liked. I am sorry to everyone this has happened to.

PrettyLittleRose · Today 09:33

OneBiccieTwoBiccie · Today 08:02

I remember that. Monica had forgotten to invite Rachel's mum too!

However, they managed to get around 20 people to come really quickly - and most of them turned up! (2 days notice I think!) This is fiction though, and I don't think this would happen in real life. If someone invited me to a party for Tuesday this week, I would go because I work part time (and my hours are flexible,) and I have very few commitments, and I like a good party!

Most people would struggle to attend with that kind of short notice though.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread