Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

[RGEdin]

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I agree it's unfair to them. Ideally you'd realise that they are the people you can count on. I wonder if he felt so humiliated in front of them that it ruined those relationships form him too.

As I've said, I'd never attempt a large get together. Too risky for me. I don't know if he felt similar but was in the dark completely or going along with it somewhat and completely taken by surprise.

Please dont over think this. When people have hundreds attend, they can't possibly all be good friends. Its not the norm to have a huge bunch of friends, please dont be embarrassed x

This reminds me of the surprise party on Friends for Rachel because they forgot to invite anyone to the baby shower! I imagine your husband probably thought it was all in hand and didn't think it through!

That's awful, very sad. I think that's why I've never organised a party like that for fear of a poor turnout

Yes I had a 30th and hardly anyone who was invited came. The list of excuses was hilarious from poorly, skint to lost a front tooth. I’d never do it again. Going on hol for my 40th. My in laws are very sociable though and have party’s for birthdays and anniversaries etc and hundreds turn up. I think it depends on how social your friends are.

I live somewhere very rural where everyone knows (and is friendly) with everyone. There's not much excitement going on round here and I thought they might like to come to a party Obviously I didn't expect them all to attend, but some of them might.

No librarians round here, no library for a long way and no other local authors. It was only my second book so no famous authors were going to travel to the arse end of nowhere for me.

I gave up book launch parties after that. They are clearly meant for people who live in big cities.

I find surprise parties weird and my partner and kids know that I don't ever want one under any circumstances, but each to their own. This is precisely one of the issues, you end up with an odd selection of people. If you plan it yourself, you start with the availability of your closest friends and work from there. Having said that, 7 guests with partners is not a small number, I am sure no one is giving that another thought

I'd amend that to "if you truly want to know who your extrovert friends are...". Not everyone likes a party, often the person planning a surprise party likes parties a lot more than the person it's in honour of. Seen that a lot of times.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sorry to everyone else this has happened to too.

However, I hope on some level that this thread is making people (including the OP) feel better about only a quarter (or a third) of people turning up to their party.

Seems it happens more than we all think, and it's almost certainly not about people not liking the person. More about people being thoughtless, not being arsed to go and not thinking of the consequences (like only 7-8 people turning up out of 30-40 invited as has happened to some people, and people close them,) and things just coming up that are out of peoples control (babysitter let them down, they got sick, something else came up, or they simply couldn't go because they had a prior commitment.)

Above all, it's not because you're not liked. I am sorry to everyone this has happened to.

I remember that. Monica had forgotten to invite Rachel's mum too!

However, they managed to get around 20 people to come really quickly - and most of them turned up! (2 days notice I think!) This is fiction though, and I don't think this would happen in real life. If someone invited me to a party for Tuesday this week, I would go because I work part time (and my hours are flexible,) and I have very few commitments, and I like a good party!

Most people would struggle to attend with that kind of short notice though.

Nah, what would be embarrassing is not having people to invite. You do, your husband is just a bit useless.

Then you don't suffer from social phobia. Good for you.

Seems an odd choice for his wife to throw him a surprise party if his social phobia is that severe

People with social phobias generally dont go around wishing people to fuck off and drop all their friends either because they'd be deeply worried about what people would think of them if they did, so I doubt this man has a social phobia

Odd choice of event for his wife to organise for him if he has social phobia. Also, would he not feel this way even if he hadn't had a party with this phobia...

Oh this is hard. My husband tried and failed to arrange a 30th for me. He really really did try and put lots of effort into what we were going to eat, seating, bought a gazebo and a heater for our house. He really did think of a lot…except inviting people properly.

He isn’t used to doing it, he didn’t realise you have to remind people, give lots of notice. A couple of people he just sent a casual whatsapp without our address.

I was devastated like you at the turn out - it was embarrassing and I felt like I had no friends. 4 years on I recognise how hard he tried, it just wasn’t in his skill set.

He messaged a bunch of people asking when they were arriving and I got lots of messages the next day profusely apologising and saying they didn’t realise it was a real plan!

All of this to say, ignore the people who say your husband cocked it up on purpose. Hosting things is hard and not everyone is good at it.

Where on earth does it say he has social phobia?

'He messaged a bunch of people asking when they were arriving and I got lots of messages the next day profusely apologising and saying they didn’t realise it was a real plan!'

See, you are right about inviting people/convincing them to come being a social skill in its own right, but the behaviour you have described really annoys me. I hate how casual we have become about formal plans.

No matter how badly your husband 'managed' them, that was quite rude.

Well not necessarily famous authors but just authors in general tend to attend each others book launches.

But you’re right that the launches are usually in cities or large towns which yeah does means more authors and other book-ish people can make it.

That’s a pity no one in your area turned up considering you’re all friendly with each other!

Oh please do- that would be hilarious and I'm sure you would all have a great time!

I know what you mean but I asked him the following day to show me the message he sent out. It was something to the effect of

Thinking of having a party for kitchenaid’s birthday at our house on X, let me know if you can come!

No time, no address. The people who came were either local or the sort of person who would actively follow up.

These days you have to message people individually, then set up a WhatsApp group for people who have said yes and send 3 week, 2 week, 1 week and day before updates!

Yeah that message comes across as putting out the feelers for what sort of numbers you'd get for an event like that. Most people would need a time and a place before interpreting it as an invitation.

We didn't have a wedding party as I had no one to invite and couldn't face being judged by people from my Husband's half. My Husband would have colleagues and acquaintances to invite, (no close friends himself really) and family. We got married on a Thursday afternoon, organised overnight care for our children and booked a hotel for a night away.

Honestly this is why I hate planning gatherings, I even hate planning parties for dc because I’m afraid nobody will come and they’ll be crushed. I’m sorry this happened to you op but as far as being embarrassed….dont be. Even if the night was a total washout (which I’m sure it wasn’t as you still had a decent crowd) people will literally forget the next day. You’ll be dwelling on it much longer than them. We just take it to heart more when it’s something that directly involves us. I can completely understand why you’re upset but try to forget it now.

But did people respond to that message? It requires a response, even if to ask for more info when it becomes available, if that is what you need to make a decision. Leaving it just hang is really rude.

No they responded and said something along the lines of “yeah sounds good” but you can’t rely on that as an rsvp…as my DH learnt to his detriment!