Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

[RGEdin]

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Thank you, that's a kind response. Nail on head too. You are describing my friend's husband.

I am ignoring the spiteful and mean responses, from people who know nothing about my friend's husband. Some people just love to stick the knife in and twist it, and when they're ignored or their comments are deleted, they keep repeating the comments. They're not worth getting bothered over.

I like smaller gatherings with different groups too.

I have made friends from different interests and areas of my life (so career related, parents of dc, family friends, hobby groups etc) and sometimes parties just go off better if you choose how to mix them together. It is easiest for the birthday person to do that, as they know what their different friends might have in common. It can be really awkward to just throw a handful of names together without that understanding. For instance I have some friends who are very academic and like to "talk shop" which other friends would find tedious. I think knowing how to mix your friends together so they have a lovely time is a skill and you need to know them well to be able to. It isn't just about a big number on the guestlist.

I remember one excruciating meal where a mum from one of my dc's NCT groups came round when DH had asked a few of our friends who had studied together and who are lovely but very focused on their line of study. I just remember squirming when I saw the deeply mortified look on this single, rather staid male friend's face as my other friend was regaling him with the complexities of expressing breast milk. At that time, the ins and outs of breast milk loomed rather large in my mind too, so I had plenty in common with her, but that conversation was just so awkward. Somehow she wasn't picking up on it, and her anecdote seemed to go on for about an hour - though in hindsight it was probably only minutes.

I think this is wisdom personified. What an excellent summation of the truth of the matter.

Omg I'm never having a big party ever again. So many sad stories.
30th on a cruise/party boat half showed up
40th in a cruise ship only family - still a disaster
50th - holiday with one other only. Perfect 👌
60th - when it comes around probably just me

I know how he feels. Not that I have ever had a surprise party thrown for me, nor organised one myself. But most people are lazy arseholes who won't put themselves out for others and just assume no one will mind or notice.

This is why I've always refused to have a book launch. I just tell my various publishers that I am too socially phobic to deal with it. Not true really, I'm quite sociable, but I couldn't face that happening. For what it's worth, I've seen it a lot of times at other people's launches. I hope you haven't taken it personally.

This makes me think surprise parties aren't such a great idea. Maybe better to involve the birthday person so they can sound out who's around before deciding what to arrange

It’s crushing when no one turns up.

Happened to me when I was in my 20s and it was even worse that not a single person turned up. This was before mobile phones were a thing and most people had said yes. At least it was just a dinner party type thing at home but still very upsetting. I withdrew socially from that moment I think and found it difficult to trust people after that.

If those spiteful posters are anything to go by, no wonder the poor man has lost all faith in humanity.

I've done a lot of parties for my DH he did his first for me a couple of weeks ago. It was supposed to be a surprise but he fessed up he didn't know how to contact people I might want to invite. DS designed the invite. I made a list of guests who were invited. I chose the venue because it was convenient for all. Outside caterers, and a free bar. All but one attended and he's terribly flakey.

@RGEdin my advice make sure you control with a light hand. It was amusing seeing my husband stressed out for once instead of me.

My friend organised a party for my 25th I think - 4 people turned up. (We had many of the same friends and I’d organised a party for her 2 months earlier where 21 people came)

Another friend organised a party for my 30th and I think 2 people came that time.

I organised my own 40th and 6 people turned up.

These were all in very different places with completely different groups of people so I can only conclude that I’m not very popular. But each time, after initially feeling gutted, I ended up having a lovely time, and I think the people that came did, too. It hasn’t changed how I live my life, and I don’t assume people hate me. But from now on any celebrations will be very low key.

Oh no, this thread has thrown me back to the worst flatshare I ever lived in! I’m having flashbacks!

I organised a surprise birthday party for a new flatmate ‘Regan’ who seemed rather depressed. Regan was a friend of a friend, so I was able to get in touch with about 15 people in their circle, who all agreed they’d come to what I thought was a very well-known pizza place.

Years before, I’d been given a surprise birthday party by a dear flatmate ‘Corinne’, the only downside being that I walked into the living-room full of dressed-up friends in my dirty clothes with grease on my hands and face, having been at a bike-maintenance class after work.

So anyway, this time I made sure to invite Regan supposedly for an evening out, just us and our other flatmate but in our party clothes as it was her birthday.

In reality, I’d booked a table for 16 people, with a birthday cake.

The other flatmate went to a work event instead. Four of Regan’s friends spent an hour searching for the place until they gave up on despair. Two cancelled on the day, several others just didn’t show up.

Birthday girl looked horrified when she saw the huge long brightly decorated table. Eventually about six of us sat at one end of it, while she groaned “Oh god no” at each present she received and complained about the food.
I’d given her a bottle of scent I knew she liked, and she told the party I must have thought she was smelly.
The guests were embarrassed by her weird behaviour.
The staff were understandably offended that so few customers had turned up.
Regan hid her face in her hands when the cake was brought out, then stalked off to the loo.
I left a much bigger tip than I could afford.
The staff looked stony-faced as we crept out.

I died of shame, several times over.

Regan never forgave me, and made my life hell till I moved out. That was over 30 years ago, and I still shrivel up inside at the memory.

I’ve organised quite a few parties since then, but never, never again as a surprise.

I keep being puzzled at how often people here claim to feel humiliated. If it were me, my reaction would just be immense irritation at my husband.

Years ago a friend of mine organized a surprise get together at our local for my birthday. I knew because it was a badly kept secret by her. Anyway, on the way, on the actual day of my birthday, I saw her frantically texting- she’d forgotten to invite anyone! I think she figured it was Fri or Sat night (which ever it was) and people would just be there anyway. I opened my gift from her with the local old blokes clapping along from the other end of the bar 🤣 eventually she found some workmates with nothing better to do and they rocked up near last orders for a quick drink. I remember being gutted at the time but it’s funny now.

What do you mean by most of your town? Were they actually friends? Usually authors invite a lot of fellow authors and librarians etc too.

Happened to me for my 40th (nearly 20 years ago). My birthday is just as the summer holidays start . We sent invites early and confirmation request 2 weeks before. There were supposed to be 30- 40 people - very close friends, some colleagues, some newer friends. We had a marquee in the garden, a sound system set up, loads of food and drink. 12 people turned up. We had an excellent night but I was really upset and hurt, and embarrassed. I've never celebrated another birthday with anyone but my immediate family.

Sorry this happened. Older and wiser me knows it wasn't really about me - people are just generally rude. They think them not turning up when they confirmed they would, won't make a big difference but if lots of ppl do the same thing, situations like this happen.

Next time, spend the time, anergy and money on a lovely family meal or a short break.

This all is exactly why I never, ever have birthday parties.
I'm not the most social and I couldn't risk the humiliation.
I make sure to go away somewhere nice instead.

For my 40th - I was in Russia.
For my 50th - I was in Egypt and the Maldives.

My old mum used to say:
"You can't depend on anyone."
and
"People are hopeless."

I really do think people have become much more flakey and honestly most people are so inconsiderate and have no manners at all and they are only getting worse.

Your husband sounds shit. He really let you down.

Surprise parties are always a terrible idea.

I don’t organise things as a group anymore. Tried to go for meals out and people just flake at the last minute and it makes me sad.
I know I’m an adult but I like to celebrate my birthday.
Instead, I now organise things that I can do with one or two friends, separately. Seems to work better and I get the celebrations to last over a couple of week. Win win.

It’s not “spiteful” to point out that “he just says ‘fuck everyone’. He never lets anyone in, has no friends, doesn’t trust anyone and is terrified of being hurt or let down” sounds like a spectacular overreaction to a birthday party that happened eight years ago.

And he apparently has “no friends” now - so what happened to the eight people who actually did turn up? Did he decide they were all dead to him too because the other 26 people didn’t come? Because if he deliberately cut off people who showed up for him simply because he was still angry about the people who didn’t, that isn’t particularly noble or kind. That’s a choice, and it says something about how he handles disappointment.

Of course he was entitled to feel hurt at the time. Thirty-four invitations and eight people turning up would sting. But there’s a difference between “that really upset me” and “I’ve spent the next eight years trusting nobody, letting nobody in and having no friends because fuck everyone.”

At some point, the birthday party stops being the problem. If one disappointing event eight years ago has become the reason you’ve decided the entire human race is untrustworthy, then yes, I think it’s fair to question whether the reaction is somewhat disproportionate.

And frankly, if your response to eight people turning up to your birthday is to throw away the friendships of the people who did turn up, then yes, I think it makes you a bit of a jerk.

I also think if a poorly attended party is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, then you arent doing too badly in life either.

It’s not spiteful to point out that what PP describes is a huge overreaction to rubbish attendance at a party that happened almost a decade ago 🙄

A party wouldn't have made him this way, that's just an excuse for him to refuse going out. I suspect he has always been antisocial and was just looking for an excuse to stop attending things.

It might not have been just the party but the party could have been the straw that broke the camels back. The trend of more people being flaky or "so busy" despite not doing anything exceptional with their lives affects everything.

But what about his friends who did show up? His behaviour is a massive “fuck you” to the people who did bother.

So what about the 8 people who did turn up to celebrate with him? - are they just unimportant trash?