Surprise birthday turnout embarrassment

[RGEdin]

My dear sister organised a surprise dinner for my 40th last night and I'm beyond grateful, I love her so much.

I'm just a bit embarrassed as all that came in addition to my sister and husband were three friends and four colleagues - most of whom I'm not even that close to. Two other close friends were apparently ill and a third was away on holiday. And my husband didn't think to invite mutual friends, despite the fact I went to their 40ths.

As I said I am so grateful to my lovely sister for all the effort she went to but I'm just a little humiliated that my colleagues must think how sad, why are we here?? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Happy Birthday op. I went away for my 50th. Found people super flaky in past few years. My dd is 21 in dec and thinking of a party. I said be wary in case loads pull out. I dont know find people cancel things now and you left hurt

Oh OP, barely anyone turns up these days.

It’s the last thing you should take personally - people cancel at the drop of a hat and doubly so midweek.

Everyone thinks everyone else is going and bails. Just had it with a 40th where a guest cancelled cos exhausted and the birthday girl said oh hardly anyone’s turned up.

Maybe the friends who came and the ones from work really love and like you and you should spend more time developing the relationship that they obviously hold close

I did a surprise party for my husbands 40th. It was a disaster. On the day of the party I got so many texts of people saying they couldn’t make it after saying they were coming. I was in talks with one of his work colleagues and asked him to send an email out to his colleagues, no problem he said. And even said he’d had a few yes’s. It turned out he didn’t send it! Strange bloke.
Anyway lesson learnt and my husband and I organised his 50th party together, it was a great success about 100 people came.
Its really not a reflection on you OP, surprise parties are a nightmare to organise.

Aww I think it's still lovely, I had a joint 40th for my birthday with a friend, it was a big proper bash... we both had a good turn out... however NONE of her friends came.. not one - only family... and NONE of my family came.. only my friends...despite her inviting her friends and me inviting my family... we just had a great time anyway. the people that came made an effort and everyone enjoyed the evening... lots of missing faces but honestly organising 40ths is hard work as everyone is in the midst of life going a bit crazy. If they came they must think a lot of you and I am sure they just had a great evening out and appreciated the invite.

Apparently it's really hard to get people to commit, even about attending a wedding! And even if they RSVP yes, some don't turn up. I think that's really shitty.

I've been lucky with my last two decade parties, might not push it for my next one!

This is exactly why I don’t celebrate my birthday. While reading your story all of the embarrassment I had ever felt came rushing back - mostly focusing on the tarzanagram some work colleagues thought it was a good idea to book for me for my 21st. I still cringe now thinking about those awkward few minutes I had to stand making small talk with a hired “hunk” in the very small toilets of a Chinese restaurant and that was a very long time ago. I have lived my life assuming no one would ever come for something planned for me so I don’t plan anything. I have also engineered me just leaving work one day and not coming back after secretly working my notice.

Bloody hell that’s so sad to read .

No it isn’t, it’s ridiculous, this man sounds like a tantruming toddler. If he went his whole life until this surprise party without ever being let down or disappointed by friends he’s incredibly lucky.

I'm wondering if that pp had made it obvious to the guest she was upset about it, which makes it not quite so snide. She said she had tears in her eyes and was over-explaining.

I also think 40ths are not a good milestone for a big party.

Lots of people are quite worn out at that stage of their career, have youngish dc to organise babysitting etc etc.

My mum is in her 70s and seems to have a cracking social life as none of them have work to get up for!

I'm clearly very naive, but why were you in the toilets with the tarzanagram (who is like a stripogram?)?

I find any party after the age of about 10 to be a chore.

I can think of little I want less than a birthday party as an adult. I’m not surprised attendance is typically low.

I agree and he's being incredibly rude to the friends who did come along and make the effort - acting as if they're completely unimportant.

He is very rude

This is a huge part of it, plus social anxiety in general. Add to this money concerns.

I hate surprise parties and I’ve always been very clear about never wanting one. I think midweek evening parties are tricky for people who work and who also have family commitments.

My family arranged a surprise 50th for me (years ago now) at a nearby restaurant and I was mortified. I absolutely hate fuss and attention and I know they (especially DIL) made a big effort to organise it. There were lots of people there, but I felt so absolutely uncomfortable about it all and family are well aware never to organise any surprises again.
OP - No need to feel humiliated and I don’t think your colleagues would think how sad it is that so few people attended your party. I know of so many people who organised parties and get togethers and people drop out at last minute, that’s the way life is.

That was so sad to read. I’ve noticed some people have concluded that he must be demanding and high maintenance or an intense person and that’s possibly why no-one came. But it’s often people who quietly show up for everyone else’s stuff and don’t ever really ask anything of anyone else that are most devastated when they finally have their moment and no-one can be arsed showing up.

This is why I never plan a birthday party of any kind. I always fear the two dread possibilities:
a) nobody comes
b) everybody comes and nobody has a good time
It's just not worth it

I know this has now been said many times but - I honestly think something like this happens to most people at some point if they are brave enough to host!

I really disagree with surprise parties - if you were involved yourself you could have had control over the invitation list, worked out what you really wanted - made sure people were committed.

@hellywelly3 your story made me sad! But yet was just what I went through on my own 40th. I'm a pretty sociable person with a wide social group.

But on the day of my 40th - people just kept cancelling! I cried - and I remember afterwards (and the party absolutely went really well in the end) - I thought I am never doing that again.

40 is 100 per cent a bad age to have a party - multiple people very close to me pulled out on the day because of sick kids/ whatever I can't remember now - but it felt incredibly stressful - and OP sa you say I burned with shame at the thought of this venue I'd carefully picked being so empty!

What saved it in the end was 2 friends I barely ever saw who had turned up full of good cheer and just put me in such a good mood - which has taught me a lifelong lesson to ALWAYS GO if you are invited!

The massive error people make is that they think it won't matter if they don't go - you could be the person who makes the birthday girl/boy feel it was worthwhile.

It was two unlikely people who made my day.

Anyway - I think this stuff happens and best to just accept it as a bump in life.

I like small gatherings with different groups; I would celebrate again with your mutual friends. Don’t worry about what people think of you, those that came obviously care about you.

Focus on the folks who were there. It sounds like they really care.

I've had mixed experiences of organising over the years but generally- if it's viewed as a crowd situation - ie more than a select few- my experience is people may or may not come because they assume there will be plenty more people. Therefore they don't assume you are relying on them and so can appear unreliable.
I think though that the number you've described is about what I'd expect given the number of invitees- sometimes could be more or even less.
Getting a whole crown in the room at the same time is easier said than done!

Thank you. 😘 It really did upset my friend's husband, and he became very down about it. My friend wishes that he would realise that these things do happen and it's nothing personal, but he says he doesn't want to bother with people now, as he lost faith in people that day. Quite sad really. As I said earlier, I may ask my friend to show him this thread so he can see it's quite common for only a quarter of people invited to actually turn up!

Exactly this. I have long since given up going to massive gatherings, even if it's for my best friends. In my experience you get to spend about 30 seconds with the guest of honour, and spend the rest of the time making small talk with people you may not even know very well. No thanks.