Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Is there really not enough real life potential to come across problems that the two of you need to manufacture imaginary scenarios to argue over?
I think you both need to get a grip quite frankly

I mean it’s a bit of a non-issue seeing as it’s a hypothetical situation you’re getting wound up about and also you’d not know if he did anyway.

But also, it’s a bit shitty of you to lay that on him.

Oh FGS, grow up

You will be dead, no feelings, feck all

But your husband will be alive and living a life, so tell him that all you want for his is his happiness - or WTAF did you marry him? A trophy

Horses for courses isn't it. You never know how you'll react or what you'll do in a certain situation until you're in it - you might have an idea but it probably won't hold.

DH and I have discussed who else in the village we would like to shag should the other one die. 😁

Why on earth would you want someone you love to live alone and lonely if they didn’t want that!

I hope my DH finds love again if I croak it … as long as my half of our estate goes to our kids and not hers 🤣

This. It’s like kids fighting about which Paw Patrol pup would make a better RL guide dog or something.

Wow. That was mean. A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer and met someone less than a year later so many people made comments. He’s happy.
My LTR ended in 2020 when my 25 year older partner died and I met someone a year later.
Do not say these things. Everyone has a right to be happy in the future.

I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion.

Well it's not like my husband was planning to die when he suddenly got ill in February. However, that didn't stop him dying in June.

Thats something you think, you dont say. Especially when your DH'S family is both grieving and moving on.

Yes you may hate the idea of your partner with someone else, thats entirely fair.

But essentially you've now rendered him celibate or perrenially guilty if the worse did happen. Thats not really fair either.

Especially as it is actually relevant to the family member, its the kind of comment that festers if left untackled. Yes you could double down. But will the result will be worth the damage to your relationshipand your partners family? Your MIL was giving you an out, whatever I actually thought id seriously consider taking it

It's an unusual take.

I'd be delighted for DH!

I'm quite annoying so he'd have the chance to marry someone less annoying. Perhaps someone who likes cuddling at night instead of space in bed. Or someone who doesn't wake up on a Sunday and panic that there's too much to do and instead has a lie in.

Also. I'd be dead.!

My biggest fear about dying is the people I leave behind being sad. I’ve openly said I want my husband to meet someone else.

don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to bring a date to my funeral but the thought of him alone and sad for the rest of his life would kill me (If I wasn’t already dead!)

Why on earth are you wasting the life you have arguing about hypothetical things that might happen after you're dead?

I feel sorry for your DH. I mean, hopefully you’ll live a long and happy life together but if something happened to you, surely you would want happiness for him?

Yadbu

That's like putting a curse on someone! Everyone has the right to happiness as long as it's not hurting anyone. And if you're dead it won't hurt you. The roles could be reversed and you could find yourself widowed. What if you met someone else? Never say never! It's hardly freakish for widows or widowers to remarry. Most people would want the best for their partner after they've died, not condemn them to loneliness. I do however agree that men often seem to move a bit too fast in that department.

18 months is not necessarily that soon. You don't know firsthand what the relationship was like between your DH's relative and their partner; partner may not be in deep mourning.

Your comment to your DH was weird, but feeling odd and unhappy about picturing your partner with someone else once you're dead is a normal emotion; you should be free to speak about it if that's how you feel. It's not like you're actually preventing your husband from dating in the hypothetical future.

His response is an overreaction and also a bit self-centred - if what you said bothered him so much then why not try to understand why you feel as you do rather than having a tantrum and telling Mummy?

Which, actually is the oddest part. WHY did he tell his MOTHER, and why did she feel free to muscle in as soon as he did?

I think it's quite common for men to remarry or start a new relationship quite soon after the death of their wife or partner. Whereas not so common for a woman to do that.

I think you were being harsh to criticise the relative who has started a new relationship and it seems an absolutely ridiculous thing for you and your H to be arguing about what will happen after one of you dies. Who knows what the future holds in store.

Not a good hypothetical to play around with. But awful for you to say that to him. Imagine you did die and he’d feel endlessly guilty about sharing his life with someone new. Horrible thing to do to him.

I think it’s the dh that needs to grow up not op. If she’s gone he can do whatever the hell he wants anyway, so why get in a silly strop over it. It’s not like op wouldn’t want him to ever be happy, she just doesn’t want to imagine and think about him being with someone else, that’s not that strange!

I lost my husband recently. He was 40s, incredibly healthy etc and we'd have never predicted it. I'm nowhere near dating again but if he'd said something like this it would have made it even more complicated and difficult to face the future. Hopefully he'll never be in that position but life can change in the moment.

It's incredibly judgmental to make that comment about your relative. I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself in future.

Oh please 🙄

Yep! I told DH find a new partner if he wants, but don’t entangle the finances! We have everything in a trust and our kids are the beneficiaries.

What a ridiculous conversation to have. No you wouldn't be happy about him moving on after your death. You wouldn't be anything, except dead!

Obviously we hope it will never happen but that's a terrible thingg to leave him with - your ghost in the back of his mind telling him you'd hate him to move on.

Also, until you've been widowed you have no idea how you'd behave in the relative's situation, and you also don't know what their relationship was like when his wife was alive.

I'm not surprised everyone is possed off with you.

That’s a terrible thing to say to someone you’re supposed to love but you do you I guess.