Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Don't be silly! You'd be dead. You wouldn't know would you?

Youll be dead, couldn’t you have just said that ‘the thought of it upsets me because it means I’m not with you, but I love you and I trust you would make good decisions in the future and I would want you to be happy’

imagine if you died now and your husband didn’t feel like he could ever be happy again because you wouldn’t approve. I mean it isn’t like he was saying he would jump into bed with someone two weeks after you died

He sounds like a wally.

I've told my DH that if I die I expect him to be lonely and miserable forever. I'm nice like that. He laughed.

Back to reality of course, if you or I get terminally ill our menfolk will have probably left us before we even shuffle off!

Can’t you express that as you being sad at the thought of missing out on your life together but you absolutely want him to be happy

It is the marriage part. It can often mean the children are screwed over by the surviving spouse. If it is a partner/gf that is to be expected especially if you are young. But remarriage when you already have children, dicey and often unnecessary unless you are planning to have children together and I would not want my husband to remarry. No don’t give your blessing, they’ve got a nerve. Who do they think they are, if you wouldn’t want it, why should you say it’s fine. Partner does not equal wife. I find people on this site using the terms interchangeably even when someone has specified the other.

That’s really awful of you. Both the judgement about someone’s choice to get into a relationship after 18 months and to tell your DH you wouldn’t be happy if he met someone else after you died.

I have made damn sure DH knows he has my absolute blessing to meet someone else should I die before him. I hate the idea of him never having a partner just because he lost one. What a horrible way to want your loved one to live

Are you an only child by any chance OP?

Lie ffs. There's a big difference between saying 'The thought of it make me really sad' (selfish) and 'Even though the thought of it make me really sad, I want you to be happy and not be lonely so of course I'd like you to meet someone if I die'. (unselfish)

Saying the thought of it makes you sad is quite different from saying you don't want him to. Would it not be truthful to say something like 'It makes me sad to think about it but of course I would want you to be happy and to have companionship'.

Or is it specifically the case that thinking about it makes you sad, therefore you want him to be lonely forever?

You have dug yourself in a bit of a hole here. Could you try to lighten the mood and tell him you have had a think and on reflection, he would be allowed to marry x person or y person…maybe a public figure plus one other real-life good person that it wouldn’t upset you to think of becoming part of your family? Obviously you have no control over what would actually happen, but I think you need to back-pedal a bit. Good luck!

Sorry this is on you and YABU. It isn’t up to you to decide what is a right or wrong length of time to find a new partner after losing a partner through death. It might be 12 months / 18 months / never and as you have never been in that situation you have no idea how someone in that position feels.

With regards to your DH again it’s very selfish on your part to expect them to stay alone forever in the event of your death, you yourself don’t know how you would feel if you sadly lost your DH. You might think never but then you might meet someone you do want to share your life with. really it was a stupid conversation to have as unsurprisingly it has caused an emotional reaction from your DH. While at the moment it is a hypothetical situation, sadly as many on MN will tell you life has a nasty habit of turning itself upside down when we least expect it. These type of comments / feelings are very emotive and best kept to yourself unless actual circumstances occur. It’s also very controlling to say to someone that they should be on their own in the event of your demise.

Personally I am the DW who suddenly lost her DH after 23 years together. While I am not actively looking for a relationship who knows and I have friends in a similar position who thought they would stay alone but have met amazing second partners. I would certainly never have told my DH if it was the other way around that he should stay on his own after I had gone. It’s for the surviving partner to decide. It doesn’t mean they forget you / your life , it just means that it’s a new phase.

Because in this case the truth is incredibly selfish. It can be massively difficult to move into a new relationship after a bereavement - it’s a rollercoaster of emotion, including guilt that you’re cheating on you late partner. Should the worst happen he will revisit that comment time and time again, which will make the grieving process and moving on that much harder.

He’s pissed off cos you’ve basically told him you want him to be miserable and lonely

I don’t . It’s just the thought of it makes me sad ?

Well that’s not what pretty much all of us has taken from your posts. So it’s fairly reasonable to assume that your husband will take it the same.
You need to apologise imo

I’ve had this conversation before, I’d want DH to remarry. And sooner rather than later, even if it’s only companionship, I couldn’t stand the thought of him being sad & lonely. He has 2 children with his ex girlfriend but I wouldn’t want / wouldn’t expect them to have to give up weekends and evenings to keep him occupied, I’d like to imagine they’ll be busy with their own fabulous lives.
I’d just want him to be happy and have a nice life.

YAB extremely U.

Yes youre entitled to your own opinion, but it's not an opinion is it? You're stating how youd feel about it. Noone id saying you're wrong to feel that, but you are wrong to state it like that. Why wouldn't you want your DH to try to find happiness if you died?

My DH told me to find someone else cos he couldnt stand to think thered be noone looking out for me. My DH died 10years ago. I have chosen not to find someone because I couldnt go through that loss again, it would kill me.

Give him your blessing that you want him to try to find happiness if you die. He is not your possession.

And ref the relative, they are probably still vulnerable at 18m in unless they relationship was a difficult one. but the new relationship might be helping them or couldeven be with the right person, so dont knock them, it's really none of your business, is it?

You said in your OP you went further than that. You said you’d hate if he had a relationship. So what’s the alternative? He is alone for the rest of his life.

What a silly thing to say. My friend’s dearest wish was that her husband would find someone else to love after she died at 36. He instead has been desperately unhappy since. I promise that his life would make you much more sad than the imaginary scenario of your husband falling in love again. I would hope my husband finds someone wonderful if anything happens to me because o love him and want him to be happy.

Do you object to him having a live in gf? Is it a serious relationship or marriage that you object to? Don’t blame you btw, I feel the same but realistically they will have someone at some point.

I’m amazed by the answers on this thread.

Firstly, it wasn’t op causing the argument - her DH went sulky and then involved his mother who shouldn't have weighed in.

Secondly, I agree op, 18 months is too soon. If my DH died it would be devastating - it would take me years to get over it, let alone thinking about seeing someone else.

Thirdly, I’d hate the idea of him moving on with someone else. That doesn’t mean he wouldn't, hypothetically speaking, but that doesn’t mean I’d be cockahoop about the idea in this life. Do what you want when I’m dead and don’t know about it, but don’t ask me to pop the party poppers at the thought of you shagging someone else 18 months after my funeral . Fuck that.

I'm with you op.

If you know even the most basic information about the tenets of science then surely you'll know that you will not think or feel anything whatsoever when you're dead.

To start a hypothetical conversation about something absolutely impossible is as pointless as it is slightly childish and depressing.

You'd be dead, right? So you wouldn't know and would have no say. As it is, you're being unreasonable and weirdly controlling about what a person does after your death. It doesn't mean he will have loved you less.

I had this conversation with my husband when I got my cancer diagnosis. I gave him my blessing to find someone else if the worst happens, with one rule. DS comes first. If he were to put his new partner before DS I'd come back and haunt him.

I can't imagine wanting him to be unhappy for the rest of his life.

What absolute claptrap. OP isn’t saying she wouldn’t want him to remarry because of any of these issues - she’s simply said she would be sad if he did. It’s not on either partner to try to dictate what the other can and can’t do after they have died - whatever the reason.