Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I think you all need to get a grip.

My husband is likely to die before me, but whatever way round it goes it's about wanting him to be happy. That's really it. By expressing that it would make you sad you could potentially stop him being happy in a future where he can't have you, despite wanting you the most. You're gone. And he's left behind feeling guilty because he knows that you didn't want him to have someone else in his life. Of course the idea of it now while you're alive makes you sad but you wouldn't be alive, you're not even an option anymore

With children I can see marriage is a potentially complex one as a widow but ultimately even with kids I think expressing that out loud to him will have a lasting impact on him

DH can as long as he doesn’t marry anyone with my name - otherwise they will be Liv and I will be dead Liv 😂😂. It was in a tv show and it made sense to me.

Mean to say they can’t move on.

All you've probably done is ensure that he now knows that you don't think he should be allowed to be happy without you - which will no doubt have the opposite effect and you'll get to be sad without dying.

i just don’t like to lie, maybe this is a situation where people would lie to spare another’s feelings?

So you’d be happy for the kids to give up their lives and be fully responsible for his care in old age if you were no longer around, instead of someone near his age who loves him?

How strange!

I remarried some years after being widowed. Had my DH voiced something like this to me before he died, it would have impacted how l grieved and my ability to move on. It may be a throwaway comment at the time, but the grieving process makes you hyper focused on guilt. Even when it’s unreasonable. If the worst should happen this will be his focus unless OP puts things right.

Personally I wouldn’t mind dh finding someone else once I’m gone.
What I would absolutely hate is for him to change his will and leave everything to some other woman and her kids. It seems to happen all too often.

Since we’re no longer young, I would also worry about him getting dementia, and some horrible gold digger getting her claws into him, inducing him to marry her and getting away with everything.
Because this happened to the DF of someone I know - she got away with the whole lot, and it was a substantial estate. The DF’s dementia had not been officially diagnosed when she married him - on the quiet! - so there was no legal comeback.

She was supposed to be his live-in carer - what a joke.

Of course you should be able to say you would want him to be happy. But if you can't, you really should have said nothing, because now he'll never forget that. He'll still be with someone else I expect in the event you die but he just won't think so kindly about you.

I"m just wondering why on earth someone thought it was a good idea to say to the person who had got remarried that you thought it was a bit soon.
Yeah you could have kept that thought to yourself but you were just bringing up a hypothetical situation to your husband... wny has someone reported this back to the person involved? Way to make everyone feel shitty!!

I had to have an emergency operation to remove a brain tumour a year ago. I could easily have died, but very fortunately I didn't.

The last thing I was worried about was if my husband found someone else if I died. I was upset that I might not see my grandchildren grow up. I think your perspective changes dramatically when you're dangerously ill, and you just want the best for everyone in your life.

I think you are veing ridiculous and also really horrible. This is not a loving thing to lay on a partner. You would be dead in this scenario, but it is not enough for him to grieve, he has to be alone forever. Nasty.

First answer? How the hell is it that the first answer nails it???? Every time!

I think you need to examine why it makes you sad. I'm struggling to think of any reasoning that isn't ultimately quite self-centered. Generally, when you love someone, you want good things for them, especially when those good things do you absolutely no harm at all. Do you love him?
If I died I would not only want DH to move on and find someone else, I would want her to be like a mother to my DCs, to adore them like I do, and for them to adore her. I can't think of anything I'd want less than for them all just to be sad forever 😢

That must be awful. Sorry for your loss. ❤️

YABU. If you’re dead he cannot be with you. As much as he might long for you or always love you, you’re gone. He’s not choosing someone else over you, you’re no longer there to choose. The relationship he had with you would still be special and meaningful to him. It would just be impossible for it to be ongoing.

Have you ever lost anyone you love? I can’t imagine not wanting happiness for those left behind. You want the man you love to live the rest of his days with grief, guilt and resentment? Incredibly selfish.

18 months is not long but everyone is different. Maybe he had his wife’s blessing to move on, maybe their relationship had been had been strained for years who knows?

You're not lying though. You're being deliberately hurtful.

How can you be sad when you're not there to be sad? Instead you could make a potentially grieving persons life easier by leaving with your blessing.

Most measured and sensible response yet.

You're entitled to your opinion, which I don't share but that's not the point. No idea why your husband has involved his MIL in this disagreement

Are you Catholic?

His mother! (not his MIL)
My god, the three of them all deserve each other!

Has to be Zuma; he seems like such a nice young man (dog).

What about you OP? Are you allowed to marry and be happy if your DH died or are you to live as a widow for the rest of your days? What’s good for the goose after all…

For me, I’d be happy for DH to find someone else I think, but I’d want the kids to inherit our assets. I’m not sure I’d want to meet anyone else, too old for that nonsense now!

I don’t think you can put that on someone, because as you say, you’re not going to be here, so it’s not going to affect you!

I think where things do get complicated is where there are kids involved. Both the emotional impact and also potential future financial implications for them.

If anything happened to DH I can’t imagine me marrying again (although of course who really knows what will happen in the future). Maybe if I found someone I got on well with I would form some sort of companionship for company and holidays/meals out etc, but I couldn’t imagine marrying or living with someone again.

I would be happy for DH to move on and meet someone else if we didn’t have kids. But as we do have kids I would worry about the impact on them.