Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

DH's ex moved on quickly each time she was widowed. I think that that is partly because you get to a certain age and realise that you might as well make the most of the time you have left. She was about 80 when she was widowed before lockdown and there couldn't have been more than a year before she partnered up with another widower.

His obituary 5 years later had her names as a 'friend and companion'.

This hypothetical situation has become a family argument? That’s mad. I wouldn’t judge the relative that is a new relationship, they have the right to be happy and I read somewhere that people who were happy in their marriage often meet someone quickly because they want to find that again which is actually a compliment to their deceased spouse. Why wouldn’t you want your DH to be happy ? It wouldn’t mean he’d forgotten you.

I mean tbf I don’t like the thought of my DH with another person but then again I like the thought of him being sad and lonely even less !

I was quite clear in my post that if someone has no interest in remarrying, that is their choice entirely. I don't think family members should ever voice their opinion one way or the other to the widowed person, and they should always do their best to support that person. I was certainly supportive of my own mother when she was widowed and made the choice not to pursue another relationship.

I would never say that being single means someone is doomed to unhappiness. It is undeniable, however, that most people choose to live with a partner and there is nothing wrong with that, irrespective of having been widowed or not.

Again, I was very clear in my post that I was speaking about my mother. Her widowhood was not a happy experience. Having children and grandchildren who adored her, friends and hobbies, etc. could never fill the space that my dad's death left. Of course other people have different experiences. That goes without saying, doesn't it?

In my mother's case, I do wonder whether her life could have been better if she'd been open to finding companionship and love with a new partner. Maybe not. She died recently, so I will never know. It's just something I've wondered about, when I think of the years before and after my dad died. She was an amazing woman and a wonderful mum. I just wanted her to have the best life possible, and hers might have been improved with a partner.

Sadness and loneliness are kind of unavoidable unless he gets wife #2 lined up prior to your passing, which you really wouldn't like.

And finding a new partner doesn't magically inoculate you against sadness or loneliness. I have a family member who married a recent widower (I suspect he had her lined up ready to go) and he ended up cheating on her. OK, so he probably wasn't sad or lonely, but it was hardly an ideal situation for the women involved. It's startling how many posters here seem to think any romantic relationship is better than none.

I never said you weren’t talking about your mother. Indeed I even acknowledged you were talking about your mother which is why I said I wouldn’t comment on that situation specifically, as I obviously don’t know your mum/the circumstances.

Well with the way a lot of people on this thread are talking about singleness no it doesn’t go without saying that people are different in this regard, so again I thought it was worth saying. And I mean we could say a lot of things “go without saying”, but it’s a discussion board so yeah we are going to say them.

But given the prevailing sentiment of this thread, I did think it was important to make the wider point that that it’s absolutely not sad for everyone who chooses not to partner/repartner.

It's startling how many posters here seem to think any romantic relationship is better than none

@deadbobaplace exactly.

This mentality makes me more empathetic towards women who stay in mediocre or even bad relationships. Society really does a number on people.

I was quite clear in my post that if someone has no interest in remarrying that is their choice entirely

I am not sure what your argument is here? I didn’t suggest you said it wasn’t someone’s choice if they had no interest in marrying.

OP didn’t voice her opinion to the widowed person. It seems her husband or MIL did. She is absolutely allowed to express an opinion on this in her home which is what I was saying.

Personally I don’t voice any opinion to any widowed person in my family about whether they should stay single or not. But of course if I felt they were getting into a bad or risky situation I would say or do something and not support it.

Again, I was challenging the attitude of this thread equating singleness with unhappiness and coupling up with happiness. .

I was not saying there was anything intrinsically or automatically wrong with having a partner or remarrying. And it’s neither here nor there what “most people do”

There are plenty of posts lauding the benefits of remarriage and indeed many even acting as if it’s necessary for happiness. It’s not a novel position on this thread. In the initial post you responded to, I was agreeing with a view others who are also presenting another perspective for balance.

In the initial post you responded to, I was agreeing with a view others who are also presenting another perspective for balance.

Meant to say:

In the initial post you responded to, I was agreeing with a view shared by the few others on this thread who are also presenting another perspective for balance. Again that was the context of my comments.

If I die I hope my partner falls in love at the wake.

Yes I agree. After I wrote that I thought the same. I wouldn’t mind what DH did tbf. ( I’d be dead anyway so it’s moot)Just as long as it alleviated any sadness or loneliness. He’s happy in his own company or with family, lots of interests so he might not even want to get remarried 😂

IMHO this was a bit of an overreaction on both your parts. You would be happy for your DH never to have another relationship after your death and he has become unreasonably irate at the idea that he couldn't move on to find more happiness. 🙄

I haven’t really seen any evidence that people think that. I think opinion is split as to how long is ‘long enough’ to wait before starting another relationship, and whether others have the right to judge. My own opinion is that the decision whether to move on or not, is deeply personal and no-one knows better than the person themselves.

I'm honestly not sure why you keep responding to me with more and more posts. You've made your position clear. I disagree that it is the prevailing view on this thread or IRL that "being single is being doomed to unhappiness."

I believe I've made my position entirely clear as well. As I wrote above, my mother died recently. I have been thinking of her constantly and of other people who have lost beloved spouses. My views are no doubt coloured by the experience of the loss of one parent and then the other several years later. Many people who are widowed choose not to remarry, either because they never truly recover from the grief of losing their spouse (my mother's case) or because they are pressured emotionally by family members not to pursue other relationships or for various other reasons. I think that in some cases, they are shutting themselves off from the specific (not exclusive) happiness that can be found in a loving partnership, and that can be a very sad thing to witness.

Anyway, I have no interest in continuing this interaction, so I won't respond to any more of your posts.

That's hilarious but also very relevant to the insecurities and immaturity of the OP. For goodness' sake we all have a sell-by date and when we're gone we're gone. If I die and my wife wants to shag half the human race then that's no skin off my decomposing / burnt nose. I'm all for everybody being happy.

Well, a lot of people have said that OP is dooming her husband to be miserable and unhappy forever with what she's said, as though it's literally impossible to be single and happy.

The prevailing opinion on this thread is very much 'relationship=happy, single=misery', as though it's impossible for a person to grieve, move forward, and have a happy, fulfilling life if they don't get into another romantic relationship. It's very odd.

It is entirely possible to be happy being single. One of my work colleagues was widowed in her mid twenties and her husband was 29. Now she is still working 16 hours a week at the age of 77 by choice not necessity as she cannot stand being at home and as she puts it twiddling her thumbs all week. Work colleague has children and grandchildren etc and has found fulfilment in work and family but has never remarried.

OP is being quite closed minded in not allowing her husband to move on after her if he so chooses without guilt. I know a few people including my late beloved mother in law who was widowed in her 20s. My mother in law was happily working and raising her son with the help of her parents, her late husband’s parents, both of her sisters and their husbands. Mother in law wasn’t looking for another partner when she met him quite by chance at one of her sisters houses fixing a door.

OPs husband is behaving like a child going running to mummy and telling her everything so she can kiss it better and spread gossip.

You cant make statements like this until you are in the situation yourself.
I always feel sorry for the new partner coming in in these situations. Cant be easy.

Every one has different emotions and practicalities influence the choices you make, when I divorces I had a reasonable settlement but limited lifestyle choices at 60+ I had no thoughts of a future relationship. The first date came out of the blue I was stunned I knew he had lost his wife but had no idea he would be "looking", at first I hesitated, then quickly thought why not, when I realized he was serious I slowed it down and steered him to the things I wanted to do, theatre, travel, gardens. There was no doubt he wanted me so after 3 months i move into his place, 7 yrs on I still can't believe it happened to me