Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

What a horrible thing to wish upon someone you love. If I were to die, I would want my DH to move on and be happy, so long as our DSs were still loved and looked after.
By saying that to him, he’ll either live a lonely life or a life with a new partner but forever feeling guilt whenever he thought of you. It would ruin his memory of you.

I think your real problem is your mother in law is over invested in your real and imaginary life.

Actually, I think my DH would have preferred me to say something similar. I once told him to feel free to move on if I were to die first, and he didn't like it at all.

I don't think you'd know if you were dead...

Don't you like your husband much?!

This. How absolutely selfish of you. If you love your dh, why on earth would you not want him to have at least a companion to enjoy life with?

I can’t imagine telling my husband that if I died I wanted him to spend the rest of his life sad and alone. That doesn’t really scream “I love my husband so I want the best for him and for him to be happy”

As it happens I have told my husband I would want him to find someone and what I was adamant about was that he must make a new will immediately after marrying because the marriage will invalidate the old will, and I need to be sure that our children get assets that have been accrued by us as a couple.

I have told dh he can have as many girl friends as he likes. But I want my children to inherit the results of my hard work. I have seen things go badly wrong too many times.

If I die I hope my DH goes on to fall in love with a wonderful woman who loves him and our DC and they have beautiful happy lives.

How can you claim to love him and want him to be lonely and unhappy?

How can you criticise his relative for trying to live their own life especially after they've been left with no doubt how precious and finite it is.

Why are you so selfish?

Of course you're going to die. Is this a joke? Your DH is going to die too. Neither of you know when.

Exactly - I said to him I’d be dead so he would be able to do what he wanted but he’s so wound up saying he can’t unless I say it’s ok ??!! And if I don’t then that will be it he will be miserable and lonely forever. It’s not like I told him he can’t I just said the idea of it makes me unhappy .

The op who said if the worst happens you are leaving him either celibate or perpetually guilty, is spot on.

Well. You’d be dead. So, very BU tbh

This is such a mental thing to have an argument about 😂.

YABU for saying what you said - you should want those you love to be happy, surely.

He’s being unreasonable for being “furious.”

Living in your house must be a tense affair if these are things that cause arguments.

My husband and I have both independently said we wouldn’t remarry if we lost the other. But if he did meet someone I’d want him to be happy and loved as he deserves. And as much as I would love him if I was still here. Why would I deny him that?

Why would you deny that for your husband?

I would love for my husband to find someone else if I die if she makes him happy. @HypotheticalDeath I think you're selfish trying to decide for your husband from your coffin. He will move on anyway- he just might feel a bit guilty about it which I presume is what you want?

Me me me

Jeez

I know of a man who was happily dating 18 days after his partner died. They had a happy relationship by all accounts but he moved on immediately

But can you not see the burden he would carry if something happened and he did meet somebody else? People often struggle to move on for fear they are in some way betraying their lost partner but to have actually told him you wouldn’t want it, is quite a tough potential situation.

It is pretty selfish of you, especially along with your obvious judgement of the relative. 18 months is not too soon, but you chose to vocalise an opinion formed on something you are fortunate enough to have no understanding of, which doesn’t make you come across well.

Hearts can grow bigger and love can change without disappearing, but I hope neither you nor your partner have to discover that for yourselves any time soon.

Honestly, I think you are being incredibly mean and hurtful. To essentially deny him the chance of future happiness when it wouldn’t impact you at all, it’s almost a kind of beyond the grave power play of the cruelest kind.

Are you regularly controlling and do you aim to make him unhappy or is it just an accidental byproduct of your approach?

lol! I’ve told my DP that I’ve a list of my single friends who I think would make a decent replacement for me. We met a lovely woman a few months ago at a local cafe, she was a very young grandmother with an autistic granddaughter who goes to our DS Sen school, I said if I become ill that I’ll be emailing the school to pass her his details. She’d make a lovely stepmum 😂

Yes re marrying in these circumstances can cut his children out of inheritance.

Mmmm but it won't be 'your estate' if you're dead. It will be 'his estate'. Best start leaving things in trust and/or willing your own savings to your children if you mind the possibility that DH will have a new partner he wants to leave something to, or more children.

Can you not see that it doesn't matter what would make you happy or unhappy, seeing as you'd be dead? But that he'd be left behind thinking he would be betraying your memory if he does find someone new - or be forced to say "fuck Hypothetical, I'm moving on". Nobody would want that.

I think you've been ridiculous about all of this, and if my DH said this to me (in fact we've both told each other the opposite - although we're now too old to bother with a new spouse) I'd be looking at him quite differently.

My DH is very ill with advanced cancer. Early on in his illness he said that he hoped I will meet someone after his death, he wouldn't want me to be alone, that he hoped I wouldn't forget him but he wants to think that I would be cared for by someone when he's no longer here. It was the most loving kind thing he has ever said to me. No-one will ever replace him and I'd rather die before him, as I can't bear to think of life without him, as I know I am so loved selflessly.

Wow that means 1) to judge the person who has met someone else and 2) to expect your husband to stay lonely and depressed if you dies! Gonna bet he sees you through you , when you’re still alive!