Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

I never said he should be lonely and miserable. I said I would haunt them… that’s not stopping them getting together it’s saying that if the windows slam shut and spoons go flying it’s me! Thankfully my husband has a sense of humour.

Equally I’d have 0 interest in another partner if my DH died so I can’t see why he’d be so desperate to get into someone else’s bed.

Our friend did grieve, he was badly affected for months then just snapped out of it started socializing, I guess he got lonely and found company it all went from there.

Wow I’d be nervous in your shoes

The relative knowing you said it is very embarrassing, why did someone tell them?!

It’s not up to you what your DH decides to do if you die before him. My parents were together for decades but I absolutely encouraged my mum to go on a date a year after my father died. I knew my dad would want her to be happy. I wouldn’t care about anyone’s opinion on it bring ‘too soon’; usually said by people who have no idea what the bereaved have endured.

@OtterlyAstounding you have no idea until you have been in that place.

Definitely not replacing, it's been starting a new life for both of us

As some are discussing inheritance my husband wrote a new will in trust everyone knows what is in it, his children get the bulk of it equally, I get the house for life plus an income. There is no friction, nothing to argue about, I kept all my money and pension separate my kids get whatever is left when I go

For me, I just don't want anyone other than my husband, and I'm not sure why that's considered such a strange sentiment. I don’t want another husband I want him, and there's no other him in the world. He'll most likely die before me (he's a few years older), sadly, but there's no way I'd want to try to fill his place, because no man could ever be what he is to me.

It's fine if people do want another relationship (and I think the younger you are, the understandably more likely you are to want to have another relationship), but I just wouldn’t be interested.

I'm still bewildered at the attitude of DH's ex's second partner's adult children and adult grandchildren.

We knew a fair bit about the situation because the second partner (following the death of the affair partner) was DH's best pal. DH, the ex and the second partner had all attended the same school.

There's no doubt that it was the ex who pursued the initial friendship and that that the pal probably moved in with her a bit sooner than he might have.

The fact was that he'd nursed his wife through cancer and then lost his (tied) home through no fault of his own. The scatter flat that he was offered by his local council was in a very bad area.

The adult daughter who lived in the same area didn't offer him the chance to live with her and expected him to move into the scatter flat in a part of town with a bad drug problem. She and her adult children were so furious at him that they formally disowned him.

To this day, I can't understand the logic.

After the furore from his family, the pal actually phoned my husband before he moved in the with the ex and asked my husband whether he would be offended. (I was there at the time.)

Speak for yourself. Not everyone wants the same things, you know. I'm not sure why that's so odd?

@ThreadGuardDog My husband's pal wrote his own eulogy to be read out by a humanist celebrant.

In it, he spoke of his marriage and then his partnership with DH's ex: "It was different, but it was good."

My only comment on this subject was “if you meet someone else you have my blessing AS LONG as your new women will love and look after my kids like they’re her own”. I don’t want him marrying someone who puts her own kids above mine or worse who is nasty to them or wants rid of them. As long as my kids like her and she’ll take good care of them for me in my absence then alls good. I won’t be here but as a mum my priority is knowing my kids will be loved. If my husband can be happy again that’s a bonus.

I don’t think it’s a strange sentiment at all. It’s natural. And it’s most definitely the way I felt before I lost my DH. And for a long while after i was widowed. But things change and you can move on. But if you can never see yourself doing so that’s fine too. Everyone’s different.

Yes, even aside from the fact that I wouldn't want to replace my DH (as that is how I see it), given my personal history with men up until I met him, it's just not something I would ever do. I'm one and done. But as you say, everyone's different.

I don't think that you need to have a romantic relationship to 'move on' though? No one has ever told my mum she needs to 'move on' in order to '
live a happy, full life after she divorced her husband nearly 30 years ago, and remained contentedly single ever after, so I'm fascinated to see the sentiment that people must be partnered off or they're living some empty half life, in this day and age.

I don’t think it’s strange or odd. At all. I think for myself, my view of what would happen if/when I lost my DH was very different from the reality. I didn’t realise how exhausting and isolating grief is. I didn’t bargain for long standing couples friends distancing themselves from me at the time I needed them most, and then when I did move on, after much soul searching and what seemed like grappling with grief all over again, those same couples cut me out altogether and judged me for being able to accept a new partner.

I also didn’t bargain for the crushing loneliness after being in a marriage where we did most things together - that was the hardest part. My children were there for me, as were my DH’s family, but I was conscious of coming to rely on them more and more, and if I’m honest, I do think that there was an element of relief on their part when I met the man who is now DH2. I think when and how you move on, or even if you ever do, is an entirely personal decision and as such is none of any elses’ business and it’s certainly not down to other people to judge.

I've been widowed more than 5 years.

I'd known DH as a colleague and then as a friend for some years. We were married 27 years. I'm not looking for another man, but the feeling of being on one's own is terrible.

I was fairly independent before I married, but after years of knowing that there was someone there who always had your back, being on your own again takes some getting used to.

Yep. This. I was independent but as you say, knowing there is someone there for you provides a cushion. I found life to be very cold and hard after my DH died and it brought home to me how much he had cared about me in little ways that either didn’t register or that I took for granted. Grief, and the massive swathe of different emotions it brings, is a very hard life lesson.

That sounds so difficult, especially in regards to your friends.

I'd agree that it's impolite for people to make comments to the widow or widower about how their decisions to date or not to date – except for the children, who should be able to voice their feelings, imo. Some people may want romantic relationships again and some may not, and either is perfectly valid.

Of course, on this thread, despite OP getting a bit of a pasting, she made a private comment to her husband, who ran and told his mum, who then went and told the relative...so I don't think OP has done anything wrong here, and her husband should apologise for such an over the top reaction.

Tell your MIL to butt out for a start!
Tell your husband your not dead yet,but if he wants future happiness ,that can be arranged too and noone has to die first. Tell his relative you apologise and wish him well but you thought you were having a private exchange with your husband on your feelings. Much ado about nothing! Good luck with this lot!

Life goes on. All would do well to remember that. I can't imagine a more pathetic conversation to have with a spouse. Even wedding vows emphasize "until death do us part". After that, your heart will feel what it feels, with no guilt involved.

Same. I’m so glad my gran didn’t remarry or look to remarry when her husband died in his 50s.

Our family loved spending time with her and and she enjoyed life with them and her grandkids. And her friends and older sisters who actually outlived her. One of the happiest times of my childhood was when she lived with us.

There was never any risk of a man ruining her happy memories of her wonderful first and only husband who she met when she was 21 and had 5 kids.

I’ve seen so many situations of adult children having to keep an eye on their mum or dad after remarriage and it causing a lot of stress and heartache when things go wrong.

Because it's indecently fast. I'd have thought that was obvious! Out of respect for their late spouse, people should wait at least a year. That was the standard before our society became anything-goes.

But equally, there are many situations when people who are widowed marry again and have wonderfully fulfilling lives. It isn't at all inevitable that a second marriage would risk "ruining happy memories." If someone doesn't want to remarry, of course that is their choice. I just think it would be sad if someone in their 50s (or older or younger) wanted to have that experience but felt that other family members disapproved.

After my mother was widowed, she had no interest at all in another relationship. I completely understand that, though in some ways it was quite sad that she shut herself off from that possibility. But if she had died first, I think my dad may have chosen to date and ultimately remarry. I'd like to think I would have been happy for him if that were the case.

It’s not obvious, no. Why is it indecent ? Why would a year be more respectful than a lesser amount of time ? Everyone is different, everyone moves at their own pace and if someone decides that they are ready for another relationship I don’t see it as anyone else’s’ business. I’d much rather have an anything goes society than a busybody ‘s charter to project their own judgment on other people. If you don’t want to move on from bereavement, don’t. If you want to wait a good long time before you do then fine. But judging other people as being disrespectful to a dead person or not having ‘loved them enough’ for moving on when they feel they’re ready is just batshit.

i wasn’t saying it’s necessarily wrong or doomed if you remarry, read the messages I was quoting and the context of this thread .

It was about a few of us challenging what seems to be the prevailing view on this thread that being single is being doomed to unhappiness, and I was also highlighting the fact that sentimentality/jealousy aside there are quite solid and pragmatic reasons for someone to have reservations about their ex remarrying, especially if they have children because it’s not always happy. To clarify I am not saying it’s NEVER happy.

Yes, this idea that remarriage = happiness and singleness = neverending misery is just bizarre to me.

This.

I completely understand that, though in some ways it was quite sad that she shut herself off from that possibility

Well you know your mum and her situation so I won’t comment on her specifically, but I think it’s worth saying for some people it is not sad in any way to not entertain the idea of having a partner. People find love in all different ways and we are all different.

For many women it is a happy and informed choice they make whether they have been married and divorced, widowed or never married/partnered.