Husband furious after I said I would not want him to remarry

[HypotheticalDeath]

A relative of dh passed away 18 months ago. Their partner has just announce their new relationship. I said to Dh ‘that’s quite soon isn’t it ? I’d hate it if I died and you had another relationship’

He took it really badly saying why don’t I want him to be happy? I said ‘Im just being honest? I don’t like the thought of it and if it were down to me I would not want you to but obviously if I’m dead there’s not much I can do about it so you could do what you want!’

He said no I have to say it’s ok otherwise he won’t be able to unless I say I’d want him to be happy. I said it’s not like I’m planning to die so maybe we should end the discussion. He’s still furious.

I then had MIL ask me why id upset him and why was I judging their relative. She told me I need to ‘give my blessing’ so that if anything happens to me dh can move on and be happy! I said absolutely not, I’m allowed my opinion and allowed to say I’d prefer him not to, again I said he can obviously do as he wishes but I’m not going to say I’d be happy about it if it happened.

This is just escalating , his relative was then told I’d said it was a bit soon and is apparently now hurt.

I don’t think I did or said anything terrible ??!

Few people plan on dying 🙄

What a weird thing to fall out over. It's nonsense to say you wouldn't want him to remarry after your death - after all, it wouldn't affect you in the slightest. But it's also ridiculous for your DH to be upset - your wishes aren't enforceable.

I think it was unkind of you and I don't know why you wouldn't want someone you love to find happiness again.

DH and I have agreed (well I agree, he doesn't like to think about sad things 🤣) that he absolutely should remarry if I die first and he meets someone.

I was widowed aged 47 15 years ago. I thought I'd never want to remarry but after 6 years I decided I'd had enough of being alone and met someone 8 years ago and we have been married for 4 years. My husband is really a distant memory now though I still shed a tear on anniversaries. I think you owe your husband an apology

This, have a relationship but don’t marry as that money is our kids’.

I’d honestly want my DH to meet someone lovely so he could be happy and not lonely. I think two or three years of grieving for me would be my ideal time frame😆Mainly so my adult children aren’t pissed off about it and just think “fair enough”.

That is awful that you would want him to be in Queen Victoria style mourning for the rest of his life. You can choose that for yourself if you so wish, but cruel that you would impose it on him. Yes, you would be dead and wouldn't know he had moved on, but he will always know he is doing something you were opposed to.

Ive said similar in jest to my husband OP, he laughed and reassured me no one would compare. Tell him to lighten up you’re both alive now and could be happy…

You’d be dead. You would not be aware of anything so what does it matter?

My husband would be miserable on his own. He might say he’d never want someone else, but I’d want him to be happy with someone new and I’ve told him so.

Me too, I told dh just to make sure they are good to the dcs and to maybe wait a year at least, put flowers on my grave every now and then and not to mope about, and all that matters is that everybody is as happy as possible, as they're the ones that have to go on! It is harder on the ones left behind, so anything that helps is necessary!
Dh sort of looked at me like 😯 and never commented back, so I don't know how he feels if it is the other way around.
He hates things like that, even discussing death, it makes him uncomfortable to think of so I have to respect that.

Well now you know you can make sure you sort out your will/ property/ pension and life insurance appropriately.

What a pack of gossipmongers. Who told the relative?

Anyway, DH would be too busy to move on. He'd better be visiting my grave every day.

So you basically said that if you die you hope he's lonely and miserable forever. Are you always that selfish or do you just hate him specifically?

Exactly, you're a long time dead, life is for the living and to spend it doing that. It is difficult enough, the poor man.

I don't know that I've ever heard anybody say anything more self centred than that.

I wouldn’t be furious, but I do think it’s unfair to say “if I die, don’t you ever move on!”

What a silly thing to be arguing about.

you won’t be there to worry about it, and he’s reading way too much into it. Telling the relative was a petty thing to do too.

@HypotheticalDeath I would probably feel chuffed with myself if a hypothetical woman was so clingy that she said she hated the idea of me marrying someone else. The fact that he's angry about this is really weird.

The marriage vows are Till Death Do We Part.

You are being incredibly unreasonable to want him never to find love again. If you truly love him you want him to be happy, but you seem to regard him as a possession of yours!

Think you need to grow up.

Exactly how I feel. I hate the thought of people being sad and stopping their lives for me. I would want Dh to find happiness again. I would want my dc to carry on living their best lives. I think it’s horrible making him feel guilty for something that may not ever even happen.

I have no illusions that if I died DH would stay single he wouldn't. He's been in a relationship most of his adult life, a serial monogamist if you like. Also if I go first my life insurance and death in service from work would pay off the mortgage and leave him very well set up financially, he also has a good career/senior position in what a lot of women would see as a caring profession, is 6ft 4 has a full head of hair (not a speck grey the bastard) in his mid 40s and is fairly easy on the eye as well as to get along with. TBF if roles were reversed and a man like that came my widowed way I'd give it a shot 😂

Exactly how I feel. Men tend to look for another partner sooner than women.

i cant imagine wanting to get into another relationship but i certainly wouldn’t haunt DH if he did.

You are coming across as judgemental and selfish. Firstly judging how soon or late someone moves on has nothing to do with you, as you know nothing about their circumstances.
And selfish because you are deciding how your husband should lead his life, should you pass away first. What gives you the right to dictate that and guilt him for some hypothetical situation? Surely he will be grieving but equally everyone is entitled to joy and to live life to their fullest. You can only hope that however he chooses to live he does so with dignity and respect to you and your family.

i had a jokey conversation with DH recently about this and said if be happy for him to remarry within a decade !! A suitable mourning period 😂 but it would only be a temporary marriage when his time comes I’d be collecting to take him back !!! Though he didn’t like the thought of me remarrying as no one could possibly compare to him !! I reassured him if there was a second marriage I’d marry for money the next time around 😂

This is awful! Poor DH. Firstly it’s pointless arguing over such a hypothetical and secondly if you do ever die he will be forever wracked with guilt if he has another relationship.

I think if you truly loved him you’d want him to be happy!