Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

Is he also doing therapy by himself? Seems to me the behaviours you describe stem from his own insecurities and personal issues. And unless he addresses these i would assume his changed behaviour in your relationship will be short lived and he will revert to type.
I also think feeling addicted to him is not the basis for a healthy relationship and perhaps you need some work on yourself.

No. Read Lundy Bancroft.

I think he would do individual therapy. Our therapist has called him out on him feeling insecure and controlling behaviour. He doesn’t see it as controlling behaviour but I’ve told him that’s how it made me feel. I’m trying to understand trauma bond and if that’s the reason I feel so tied to him.

No - get out of there. This sounds like coercive control. He needs therapy, not you as a couple.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2026/aug/31/as-a-therapist-heres-why-i-sometimes-advise-couples-to-end-their-marriage

Abusers never think they’re abusive. This is an even bigger red flag for me that he apparently doesn’t understand why his behaviour is wrong
He is an adult. He knows right from wrong. It is not your job to fix it. It is your job to stay safe and protect yourself

Do you have a child with him because you have been through a lot in 18 months and are still flinging energy and money at the problem while he does not perceive his behaviour as wrong.

I don’t have any ties with him. He has achknowledged his behaviour in how it made me feel. But when I told him it felt like I’d been suffering abuse, he said I had to be careful throwing words like that around because he has care of his kids etc. The therapist even mentioned the words coercive control at our last session, so it wasn’t just me. But he said he isn’t going to argue about whether it was or wasn’t abuse.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

There is nothing to rescue or save here. This relationship is dead in the water because of the abuse he metes out to you. Abuse is about power and control and is NOT a relationship issue.

Protect yourself. End the relationship: have someone else with you when you do this. No more attending joint sessions with him. You are not emotionally safe enough to be with him in those and again abuse is not a relationship issue.

Your time in joint therapy would be better spent reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Enrol yourself also onto the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

You need to leave.
no woman leaves a man and becomes a single mother for the lolz.
I know you don’t like what we are saying but you need to get out before you do have ties and it’s harder

No mate, you're only 18 months in and he doesn't acknowledge abusive behaviour as abusive - LISTEN to that. He's downplaying it - I'll tell you a story. My ex was abusive, we were together 6 years, had a kid, only reason I tried to work it out. When I said the condition of staying together was him going to anger management. He went on his own. 3 sessions in and he was giving it 'Everyone has anger, even you're angry when you wash the dishes loudly' <- I knew then. He wouldn't change and he never did

He will never accept his behaviour is abusive but please believe us and the therapist who used the words coercive control in your last session. This man targeted you deliberately to abuse. Your boundaries too, perhaps already skewed by poor life relapse experience, have been further got at by him. He saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends, he is a master manipulator.

You have no ties to him so ending this relationship will not involve paperwork. Men like this too hate women, all of them. Remember that if and when he is around your son. You are indeed likely trauma bonded to him but that can be broken and you can break that. Staying with this particular person will break you and your son.

Why are you bothering with this man, does he have a magic dick or something?

I agree on reading Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that' - because he's performing what you want to see right now, there's oversight in the form of the therapist. It's not an accident, he knows when someone is watching his behaviour. As soon as they're gone, he will go right back to the way he was before. Trust us on that

He doesn’t see it as controlling behaviour

That's your answer.

He has got to own it, want to change and seek out therapy for himself to address it. (Not go to couple's therapy because you have made it a condition of continuing the relationship).

It would take a LOT of work on his part to do this and there will always be trigger points or flash points in the relationship that would cause him to feel the need to control and he would have to employ a lot of mental energy a and emotional strength to do that.

He would only do that if he recognised the behaviour as controlling. Which he doesn’t. And wanted deperately to change it.

I'm going to give you an analogy.

I am an untidy person. I would love to be a naturally tidy and organised person. I recognise my untidiness.

A couple of years ago, I spent a lot of time and effort on becoming orgnaised. I cleared out cupboards, got a skip! Emptied the loft and the garage, bought boxes to keep things in, followed methods to keep on top of things...

Two years on, my house is tidy. My workspace is tidy. But its a constant effort and I still have disorganised cupboards because im not a naturally tidy person. It's a constant effort to keep the house tidy. I have to really psyche myself up to keep on top of things.

I put the effort in because its what I want. Not because someone else has asked ot of me and I can superficially appear to be a tidy person but I'm still not really.

Now apply that to him... the controlling tendancies will always be there. He will just have to keep them suppressed and to recognise they are wrong and want to not be a controlling person.

But, in your own words, He doesn’t see it as controlling behaviour.

That’s very helpful thank you

Why do women always want to date construction projects? I never see men doing this in return.

18 months in is far too early for therapy. If it’s this hard already, cut your losses and move on.

In my opinion controlling behaviour is who he is but he can hide it for long enough to get you sucked in. It will always re-emerge.

You’ve only been with him for 18 months.

His behaviour is already causing you grief.

Youve identified he is controlling and so has the counsellor.

Stop this madness! Get rid! This is heading for disaster.

And to add to those telling you not to endanger yourself further, no reputable couples therapist would take on a couple with a controlling or abusive dynamic, because it just provides another theatre for the abuse.

Well that’s what has confused me. She did ask me at our first session if I ever felt unsafe, to which I replied - no. I haven’t. He’s never put me down or ruined my confidence, he’s always bigged that up if anything. That’s why I’m genuinely curious as to if he can change as he’s shown me the last couple of months that it’s different

Why are you choosing to be with someone that tries to abuse you? You’ve only been together a very short time, you have no ties to him etc, so why are you choosing to be with a man that treats you badly? Why not choose a man that treats you well?

He does have so many good quality’s and treats me well. He would do anything for me. If it was horrendous all the time it would be so easy to leave.

That's how abusive relationships are. That's why you find yourself asking why other women are in horrific situations and not leaving. There are intensely good moments peppered throughout, but it's a game of diminishing returns. You eventually get worn down and adapt to the control, then more, and more, till finally he's controlling every aspect of your life and you're asking yourself how the hell you got here.

You’ve only been together 18 months and you’re in couples counselling. That really tells you everything you need to know.

Your gut is telling you something, it’s the reason you can’t shake off the feeling of unease. Listen to it and move on.

A lot of abuse is perpetrated under the guise of 'because he loves you so much' that's why it's so insidious. Once he's isolated you from friends and family, he will gradually drop the facade when he thinks you have nowhere else to turn. It's systematic and deliberate.

You shouldn't need couples counselling 18 months into a relationship - this is the time when you should be getting to know each other, having fun and generally adding value to each other's lives - not trying to control and isolate. You are on very dangerous ground here. He's managing to rein it in now, while under the 'supervision' of a therapist, yet he openly says that he doesn't think his behaviour is wrong or abusive.

You need to walk away now before this gets worse. You don't need couples therapy, what you need is to leave an abusive relationship.