Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

I’m 36…I’ve had 3 bad relationships and panicking now

Don't panic.
Trust your instincts and end this dangerous relationship.

No need to panic - take some time and enjoy being alone. I saw on your next post you already have a child which takes the pressure off. What you report is concerning, as is being “addicted” to him.
I’m sure you can find a healthier dynamic.

Practically you have no ties to this man. You can end it today because you are self sufficient. There are no legal ties or responsibilities and you don’t wish to continue the relationship because it doesn’t work for you etc.

You may think you are staying for the love and affection. It’s hard being a lone parent and lonely. But you have not found a genuine person here who can give love and affection. You have become prey to an abuser. You will never experience genuine love and affection in this relationship and will end up even more lonely.

There will never be an easier time to end things.

Lundy Bancroft is a predator – Crying Out For Justice

Blog exposing him Here

The lesson here needs to be that no relationship is better than a bad relationship, not that having had bad, or ‘failed’, relationships means you must stay in the next one no matter what.

What are you panicking about? Is it being single? Why does that panic you?

He told you? He didn't ask if it was ok?

Oh honey he's a wrong 'un.

The longer you stay with him the more of your life you're wasting on the wrong person.

He told me. I explained I found it strange he did it without asking me. Especially given the fact he doesn’t like being in a mix of a lot of people.

I have been with my partner for 25 years and for many many many years, experienced what you’re referring to.

Whilst therapy did help us, it took the most amount of time, tears, heart ache, confidence issues and self doubt. If I had my time again, I’d would have walked at the very first red flag, which was a bombsrdment of phone calls on my first ever girly weekend away at age 18.

my DH also doesn’t put me down, he’s supportive in many ways, and he’s a good Dad. However, rewind 10 years and I couldn’t go out for the night without a major argument. There’d be constant comments about what I wore for work or questions about work. We argued for years about me wanting to go on the work Christmas doo and stay in the paid for hotel. If I really think about it, it makes me hate him.

however, we have worked through that but the scars are frightening. Anxiety, egg shells and more.

you mention you’ve always felt safe, and so have I mostly. But psychology safety is a different conversation.

If you’re prepared to have your relationship dominated by these thoughts and feeling in the hope it might get better with a whole lot of work, accountability and recognition on his part, then go for it.

Spending the rest of my life on my own. I’ve had relationships where I feel so lonely. This one is toxic but I don’t feel lonely

Seems like he hates anyone spending time with you when he's not there. So he books time off when you make plans with your children or are due to have family over.

Did you let him spend the week with your family?

Yes he did. But it all blew up in front of my family when I told them what it had been like. They all hate him. He sat there and took me telling them all what it had been like, he still chose to stay and try and sort it with therapy etc. My mum and dad support any decision I make. But my older brother does not like him

Kindly, this is bonkers.

You're young. Don't waste your life on yet another toxic relationship. Ditch him and get your own therapy.

You don't have to spend the rest of your life on your own!

I could not agree more. All the time you’re living apart you have some control and security. Game over and a very long road ahead if you move in together.

And, respectfully, OP, this is why your bar is so low. You’re in ‘stay in a relationship at any price’ mode. You’re in couples therapy and trying to find a reason for staying in a coercive relationship that’s clearly already caused you considerable trauma when you should be still in the honeymoon period at 18 months!

@xsunnysideupx you already know what a bad relationship looks like which is why this one is ringing massive alarm bells, rightly so.

How a "therapist" is counselling you both together when they've evidenced coercive control absolutely beggars belief!!

Both academics and psychologists strongly advise against couples therapy in this kind of relationship as it's considered both dangerous and unwise.

Please read this @xsunnysideupx

What to remember are all the times that were so bad which ultimately led you to seek help.

You must protect both yourself and more especially your children, have courage.

I find it astonishing that you’re going to counselling with him when you’ve only been with him for 18 months! That’s well within the getting to know you stage. I’d just end it.

To me counselling is for couples who have a history together and a relationship worth working at. He’s given you a list of obnoxious behaviours to deal with, why do you want to stay in this relationship?

Read your initial post back to yourself OP. He is gradually undermining your confidence, by mentioning your clothes, by restricting you stroking your cat! You can't see it because its covert, its coercive. Eventually you'll second guess everything you're doing. It'll become second nature to you.
An example- he may not tell you how long you can stroke your cat for any longer but he's already set that restriction in place. So everytime you're stroking your cat, you won't be relaxed, your mind will be conditioned to thinking that you shouldn't be sitting there that long. You may even experience palpitations.
I know. I've been through it. It stays with you for a very long time. It's shit.
He's changed temporarily but it won't last as he doesn't recognise and acknowledge that he's doing it. Give it up before you get sucked into his world even further and you lose who you truly are. Short term heartbreak for longterm happiness.

He isn’t going to argue if it was or wasn’t abuse because they don’t admit it. They either think they’re not doing anything wrong or they enjoy it.
I don’t think abusers can change.

i’m sorry but would you listen to yourself? You already said you asked him for space and you were then flooded with voice notes from him explaining why that was hard for him. He’s is NOT getting it. Can’t you see that? He sounds so needy, clingy, over the top intense. Your posts indicate (through your own words) that if there was an easy way to exit the relationship you would.

please just listen to yourself. The answer is not a conundrum to figure out, it’s very clear. You’ve answered it multiple times on this thread yourself.

This is a mindset that makes you extremely vulnerable to dangerous men, OP.

You know it’s not right to stay with someone for company even though they are treating you badly, or you wouldn’t have started this thread and been so insightful about his behaviour.

Please find the courage within yourself to end this. I know it’s hard, but this man will break you.

I don't think you're supposed to do couples therapy with a controlling partner. I thought it could make things worse or something.

You are in couple therapy after only 18 months? Bloody hell woman get rid.

It is NEVER horrendous all the time.

Not sure exactly what is happening here. You have been with this man for only 18 months and you already have problems, so much so that you felt you needed therapy. Why? Why trying to fix it? Just leave.